FB Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Not sure if this has been seen before??? ??? :D :D DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No **** Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly*person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - ***** Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am Upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 True on all counts, excellent!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Flat down in this country so driving fast is allowed for some Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 Not sure if this has been seen before??? ??? :D :D DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No Boobies Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly*person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - ***** Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am Upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm *** :D - superb Ben... and ALL true as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 a little girl, round at her friends, playing in the garden, suddenly screams and runs into the house and says to her friend's mum "I've pricked my hand and I need to put it in cider". "In cider dear,... why do you say that?" "Well I heard my big sister say to her friends the other day that whenever she has a ***** in her hands she wants it in cider". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 a little girl, round at her friends, playing in the garden, suddenly screams and runs into the house and says to her friend's mum "I've pricked my hand and I need to put it in cider". "In cider dear,... why do you say that?" "Well I heard my big sister say to her friends the other day that whenever she has a ***** in her hands she wants it in cider". :D :D Oh Nigel... you just HAVE to write a joke book mate :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 a little girl, round at her friends, playing in the garden, suddenly screams and runs into the house and says to her friend's mum "I've pricked my hand and I need to put it in cider". "In cider dear,... why do you say that?" "Well I heard my big sister say to her friends the other day that whenever she has a ***** in her hands she wants it in cider". :D :D thats off round the office on monday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day Marky went into town and went into a shop. He was only in there for about 5 minutes, when he came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. Marky went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving an old man a ******* break?" He ignored him and continued writing the ticket. Marky called him a Nazi turd. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So he called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more Marky abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, he didn't care, he came into town by bus. Marky tries to have a little fun each day now that he's old....... It's important at his age.......... ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day Marky went into town and went into a shop. He was only in there for about 5 minutes, when he came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. Marky went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving an old man a annoying break?" He ignored him and continued writing the ticket. Marky called him a Nazi turd. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So he called him a Poohead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more Marky abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, he didn't care, he came into town by bus. Marky tries to have a little fun each day now that he's old....... It's important at his age.......... ;D :D - Nice one James F... I'm not QUITE retired just yet mate... but funny joke all the same :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Just found some Essex girl jokes from an old dusty book which i found highly amusing i'll show you a couple. Why is an Essex girl like a washing machine ? A. They both drip when they're screwed Why did the Essex girl join a golf club ? A. To be the inter-course champion An Essex girls boyfriend asks fancy trying something off the Kama Sutra She replies: Nah, don't like Indian food Why did the Essex Girl join an Escort service ? A. She always wante an XR3i Sorry if i may of offended anyone .... Blame the book !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britainsnut Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Thats like why do essex girls prefer to make love with the light off Because its too cold to leave the car door open Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 ;) Read them all mate ... An Essex Girl is complaining to her boyfriend that he has a small organ He replies by saying ' Yes but i've never had to play it in a Cathedral Maybe a few later hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Re-posting these pictures from yesterday. Math Humour :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 There is a old couple and they have been married for 40 odd years and they made a promise to each other that they would never go in to each others bedside draws. One day Mr F was doing something in the bed room and knocked MRS F,s draw over so he picked it up and was looking at the stuff in it and there was a 12 pack of eggs with 2 in it and $150 cash. he was puzzled and put it back. When Mrs F got home Mr F confessied to what he did and asked what the egg carton was for. Mrs F replyed: Well Mr F each time i have been unfaithful to you i have put a egg in the carton. Mr f thinks 2 times in 40 years i can live with that. Then he asks what the cash was for Mrs F replyed: well i had to do somthing with the eggs so each time i got a full carton i sold them :o ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Very funny indeed Kiwi, liking that one alot. I went to a pantomime last weekend, it was staged by the Paronoid Schizophrenic Society. It started off quite well but soon turned to chaos when a member of the audience shouted out "He's behind you!!!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Subject: ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 Subject: ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only Crude humour :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil2860 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil2860 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same Little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Deala?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Neil, fantastic son!! Little chinese man jokes are so funny to imagine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I got talking to a cab driver the other day... He said "I love this job.... I'm my own boss.... NOBODY tells me what to do". I said.. "Left here" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 :D Theres tom thumb, cinderella and quazzimodo sat at a bar talking, Tom thumb says i must be the smallest man around, Cinderella says i must be the prettiest person around and quazzimodo says i must be the ugliest person around.. So they got to the guiness book of records Hq to see if they were right. Tom thumb comes out and says "its a fact i am the smallest person around". Cinderella Comes out and says "its a fact im the prettiest person around". Quazzimodo comes out and says "who the f**k is marky ferguson" ;D ;D The ending can have anyones name in markys was the first one that came up dont know why Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I got a job recently as the queens hairdresser.  The other day I parked my car outside the gates of Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "Have you got a permit  " ... I said, "No, Ive just got to take a little off the back"  :D Theres tom thumb, cinderella and quazzimodo sat at a bar talking, Tom thumb says i must be the smallest man around, Cinderella says i must be the prettiest person around and quazzimodo says i must be the ugliest person around.. So they got to the guiness book of records Hq to see if they were right. Tom thumb comes out and says "its a fact i am the smallest person around". Cinderella Comes out and says "its a fact im the prettiest person around". Quazzimodo comes out and says "who the f**k is marky ferguson" ;D ;D The ending can have anyones name in markys was the first one that came up dont know why :D rotton bugger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 hehe only joking could have done tomb thumb and deerest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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