joke of the day!!

[JC]

Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke.

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there.

Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,

we send cash right to your door."

Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy!

NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money.

Thanks to you, British dummy!

Write to friends in motherland.

Tell them "come fast as you can."

They come in turbans and Ford trucks.

I buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together.

More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,

but neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away.

Now I buy his house,then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,

and soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, it's called  breeding.

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Britain crazy! They pay all year,

To keep welfare running here.

We think UK darn good place.

Too darn good for the white man race!

If they no like us, they can scram.

Got lots of room in Pakistan!

[batcher]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[FB]

:D :D classic FP :D

[THEBRITFARMER]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

?      40-ish..................................49.

?      Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

?      Athletic................................No breasts.

?      Average looking.....................Moooo.

?      Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

?      Emotionally Secure................On medication.

?      Feminist...............................Fat.

?      Free Spirit............................Junkie.

?      Friendship first.......................Former ****.

?      New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

?      Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s

?      Open-minded.........................Desperate.

?      Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

?      Professional...........................*****.

?      Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

?      Large frame...........................Hugely fat.

?      Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

?      Yes.....................................No

?      No......................................Yes

?      Maybe.................................No

?      We need...............................I want

?      I am sorry............................You'll be sorry

?      We need to talk....................You're in trouble

?      Sure, go ahead....................You better not

?      Do what you want................You will pay for this later

?      I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

?      You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

?      I am hungry...............................I am hungry

?      I am sleepy................................I am sleepy

?      I am tired..................................I am tired

?      Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage!

?      I love you..................................Let's have sex now

?      I am bored.................................Do you want to have sex?

?      May I have this dance?................I'd like to have sex with you.

?      Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.

?      Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.

?      Can I take you out to dinner?.........I'd like to have sex with you.

?      I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm ***.

[batcher]

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?" 

[batcher]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable." 

[New Holland Fan]

blonde bimbo was trying to hang her self and a man walks passed and says wat u doin . and the bimbo says im tryin to hang mi self and the man replies y u got it round ur waste then and she says cos i cant breath wen its on me neck  \ \ \

[farmernick06]

An Indian boy is kidnapped by five English boys. They take him to the side of the road and starting talking trash. One brings out a knife and a dice and explains that if the Indian gets a 1-5 he gets killed. The young boy asks so what happens if i get a six. After a brief pause he replys ' you get another roll '

Sorry it's a bit rascist

[batcher]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I?ll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" 

[batcher]

Doctor, doctor. I think I've got an STD." The doctor is surprised, "You can't have an STD, you're a Jelly Baby!" "But doctor, I've been sleeping with Allsorts.

[JC]

Yorkshire girls are the best!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had

given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had

told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the

house.

He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came

home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he

had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and

the cooking.

He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the

next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean,

the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. Heboasted

that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house

cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals

on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling

hadgone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.

Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a

landscaper.

[JohnP]

SYDNEY(AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Graeme]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him aside.

When I married your mother, the first thing I did when I got home was

Take off my trousers

I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me

I couldn`t possibly wear them as they are far too big

I told her

Of course they are too big, I wear the trousers in this house and always will

Ever since that day we have never had a problem.

Jack took his fathers advice and as soon as he got Jill home after the wedding

He did the same thing.

He took off his trousers and told her to put them on

Jill says I cant wear these,they are far too big

Exactly says Jack

I wear the trousers in this house and don`t you forget that

Jill paused and removed her knickers  and gave them to Jack

Try these on she said

So he tried them on but they were too small

I can`t possibly get into your knickers he said

Exactly she replied

And if you don`t change your fu**ing attitude you never will.

[JC]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.  After chatting with some customers, he walks over to the bartender and offers to make a bet. 

"I'll bet you ?250 that i can whip out my c*ck, and.....you see that trophy over there?" he says, pointing all the way across the bar, ".....I'll send a stream of piss out that'll knock that trophy right off the shelf."

So the bartender thinks to himself "hell yeah, even if he can hit that trophy, its made of lead and i glued it to the shelf my damn self."

So he thinks for a second, turns and says "you're on!"

The man whips it out, and starts going for it.  He's even getting close to the statue.  Then he stops.  The bartender gets excited, but the man starts up again.  He's going and going, and piss is getting all over the place, but alas, all wells eventually run dry, and the man can't reach the statue.

The bartender is overjoyed, and collects his money.  Out of curiousity, he asks "why the hell did you make that bet?"

The man answers, "Well, if you really want to know...  I bet that guy over there ?500 i could piss all over your bar and have you smiling about it..."

[JohnP]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have an seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[batcher]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assure her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!" 

[SIMON.]

JUST MY LUCK !!! WENT DOWN TO THE BEACH YESTERDAY AT BRANSCOMBE TO SEE WHAT I COULD SALAVGED  FROM THE SHIPWRECK OPENED UP A CONTAINER AND THRITY ROMANIANS JUMPED OUT !

[SIMON.]

PADDY'S IN A DISCO AND ASKS A BIRD IF HE CAN SLEEP WITH HER TONIGHT ? SHE REPLIES I CAN'T I'M ON MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE . HE REPLIES THATS OK LOVE I'M ON MY MOPED , I'LL FOLLOW YOU BACK TO YOUR PLACE

[SIMON.]

A BLOKE CATCHES A TASTY BIRD GIVING HIM THE EYE IN A SUPERMARKET . DO I KNOW YOU ? HE SAYS TO THE WOMAN ,THE WOMAN REPLIES AREN'T YOU THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN ? HE QUICKLY THINKS ABOUT THE ONLY TIME HE'S BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS "WERE YOU THE HOOKER I SHA@@ED OVER A SNOOKER TABLE ON MY STAG NIGHT WHILE YOUR MATE SPANKED ME  WITH A WET CELERY WHILST SHOVING THAT HUGE CUCUMBER UP MY A@@" ?  "NO SHE REPLIES I'M YOUR DAUGHTERS ENGLISH TEACHER " .

[SIMON.]

MY WIFE DOESN'T LIKE THE NEW CAR I GOT HER ,SHE SAID SHE WANTS SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0-140 IN 4 SECONDS . SO I GOT THE ***** A NEW SET OF BATHROOM SCALES

[batcher]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''" 

[JohnP]

Man & wife out shopping . Wife says " It's my mums birthday soon & I don't know what to get her "! can you suggest anything  ?  I was thinking of something electric .

Husband replies "what about a chair ?"

How many blokes on here are thinking... ;D ;D

Nice one !

[batcher]

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.

And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.

And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy. 

[batcher]

So true

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife to be on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she

has to do. 'All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.' She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat.. 'Aisle, altar,

him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.' 'Aisle, altar, him.'

For those who don't get the joke, say the last three words a couple of times real fast out loud.

[farmernick06]

A man walks into a bar and sees a Genie. The Genie gives him 1 wish. The man puts on his leather jacket and his shades and says ' I want to be held tight and in the groove'. He suddenly disappears and transforms into a tampon.