james f Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Two guys, Alan and Dave are playing golf. As they walk off the first tee, Alan takes a bottle from his bag and has a big swig. "What's that you've got" asks Dave. "Nothing" says Alan. "Nothing at all." "Come on, show us," says Dave. "No really, it's nothin" says Alan. Dave lunges at him and manages to wrestlw the bottle out of his hands. He reads the label with increasing incredulity. "Brake fluid? You're drinking brake fluid?!" exclaims Dave. "Jesus mate, you've got a problem!" "No I haven't" say's Alan defensively. "I can stop anytime I like." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britainswomble Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Two guys, Alan and Dave are playing golf. As they walk off the first tee, Alan takes a bottle from his bag and has a big swig. "What's that you've got" asks Dave. "Nothing" says Alan. "Nothing at all." "Come on, show us," says Dave. "No really, it's nothin" says Alan. Dave lunges at him and manages to wrestlw the bottle out of his hands. He reads the label with increasing incredulity. "Brake fluid? You're drinking brake fluid?!" exclaims Dave. "Jesus mate, you've got a problem!" "No I haven't" say's Alan defensively. "I can stop anytime I like." I like that..................its a goodun. :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 im not sure if this one has been posted or not but here we go a chav rings a morrisons supermerket and says "hello im looking for my mate" women in supermarket says "whats your mate's name?" chav says "erm her first name is tess" "and she's got a double barreled surname its cosis-cheaper ahahahaha" then put the phone down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes." THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again." THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. THE TELEPHONE ENGINEER because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 3 body's turn up in a morgue. All 3 are smiling. An undertaker comes along and says to the mortury staff. Number one body there is Pierre, from France, age 25, died making love and was enjoying it alot my his expression. Number 2 body is Alan from England, won ?100,000,000 on a scratch card, celebrated with 2 litres of Whisky and killed himself, smiling because he enjoyed his drink so much. Number 3 body is Patrick from Ireland, struck by lightning, age 45. "why is he smiling" asks the mortician? "well, the only thing we can come up with is he thought he was having his photo taken" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he Wrote to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will Cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as A pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, So he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long Robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really Look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from Emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So He writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an Accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a Toffee apple! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Brilliant James... I'm still laughing now... 10 minutes later !! :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Brilliant James... I'm still laughing now... 10 minutes later !! :o Glad to be of service :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Why are camels called 'Ships of the desert'? Because there always full of arab seamen Why does Bin Laden have a beard? He wanted to look like his Mum What do you call two goats tied to an Afghanistany lampost? A leisure centre What do you call an Afghan with two goats under his arm? A pimp Whats the difference between Bin Laden and a bucket of sh!t? The bucket Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIWINZ Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Why are camels called 'Ships of the desert'? Because there always full of arab seamen Why does Bin Laden have a beard? He wanted to look like his Mum What do you call two goats tied to an Afghanistany lampost? A leisure centre What do you call an Afghan with two goats under his arm? A pimp Whats the difference between Bin Laden and a bucket of sh!t? The bucket hahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical . Then Sister Logical arrives SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM : And? SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up. SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Im not sure if i've put this one up here? Two women are riding along on there bicycles down a road, one turns to the other and says 'Oh i've never come this way before', the other looks slightly bemused and says 'It must be the cobblestones'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Once I wanted to got to a fancy dress party as adam and eve well ya would not believe it no matter how many fig leaves i tryed all were too small in the end the guy looked at me and said just stick it in yer ear and go as a fuel pump! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants' and the bonus expenses they enjoyed. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says,opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company ,talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 A HELLUVA LOTTA REASONS WHY SHEEP ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear Sheep never ask about your former lovers and then get piddled off when you tell them No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe Sheep are never concerned about their reputation Sheep don't smell like tuna fish You can feed a sheep to a crocodile when you're done and you won't get thrown in prison for it A sheep is warm on both sides Sheep don't ask "What have you done for me lately?" You can be a sheep farmer (aka polygamy) You can sell a sheep when you're tired of it You don't have to buy dinner for a sheep first. It can be your dinner afterward Sheep make the same noise all the time You don't have to hide your credit cards around sheep Sheep don't complain if you have other sheep Sheep are always on all fours No one has ever heard a sheep say, "Men are scum." Sheep don't expect orgasm A sheep doesn't mind if you're done in two minutes A sheep doesn't mind if you go to sleep afterward Sheep don't have fathers with shotguns You can kick a sheep in the head and it won't mind you still calling it "Baby" Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather Nuttin' beats mutton Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up Sheep won't ask if you're *** the first time you can't get it up for the second time A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can Sheep never have a headache A sheep won't give your favourite hunting shirt to Goodwill Sheep grow their own fur coats Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex Sheep are "ram tough" A sheep won't ask for a long lasting relationships, and a sheep won't cry when you tell her it's over A Sheep won't nag you, and a sheep won't tell you you're doing it all wrong. A sheep won't tell you to take out the garbage when your favourite show comes on T.V., and a sheep won't ask you to cut the grass in the middle of the ball game. A sheep won't expect flowers or candy on it's birthday, and a sheep won't mind if you forget an anniversary. A sheep won't kiss and tell, and a sheep won't about the other guys she's been with. A sheep won't object to doing it doggie style, and a sheep won't smoke afterwards. A sheep won't wear a mud pack to bed, And a sheep won't leave hair curlers all over the bedroom floor. A sheep won't expect you to wine and dine her first, and a sheep won't have her mother moving in with the two of you. A sheep won't drink your last beer, and a sheep won't ask to borrow your toothbrush. A sheep won't make you say, "I love you," if you don't really mean it, and a sheep won't write you a Dear John letter. A sheep won't try to hog all the covers, and a sheep won't insist you wear pyjamas to bed. A sheep won't spend an eternity in the bathroom putting in her diaphragm, and a sheep won't leave make-up all over the bathroom towels in the morning. A sheep won't insist you do it with the lights out, and a sheep won't ask you to put a rubber on. A sheep won't ask you where the blonde hair on your jacket came from, and a sheep won't ask about the lipstick marks on your *******. A sheep won't care if you don't shower for a few days, and a sheep won't object to an adult movie to get you in the mood. A sheep won't tell you she doesn't swallow, and a sheep won't tell you she's expecting. A sheep won't ask how many other girls you've been with, and a sheep won't ask if she's the prettiest one. A sheep won't ask to move in with you, and a sheep won't make a scene if you find someone else. A sheep won't tell you she's got a headache, and a sheep won't get suspicious if you tell her you're working late at the office again. A sheep won't ask if that's all the bigger it gets, and a sheep won't ask for multiple orgasms. A sheep won't send you out for pizza at 1:00 a.m., and a sheep won't insist you call her a cab at 2:00 a.m. A sheep won't worry what the neighbours think, and a sheep won't tell you to keep quiet because the kids might hear. A sheep won't ask for money for the hairdresser, and a sheep won't tell you it's that time of the month. A sheep won't borrow your car and put a scratch in it. and a sheep won't borrow your razor. A sheep won't object to a threesome, and a sheep won't accuse you of giving her VD. A sheep won't be insecure about her figure, and a sheep won't insist on getting on top. A sheep won't ask where you were if you stay out all night, and a sheep won't object if you bring another chick home. And finally, a sheep won't ask you to marry her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Welsh Miners are celebrating, apparantly they some copper was found ond Snowdonia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Some of these may have been posted before but I can't read all 100 pages to check \ \ Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed , "for f*ck sake, you ******, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a ?20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are ?20 notes falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '?20 or off it comes!' " "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 And my favourite for last ;D ;D ;D A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf." robbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 And my favourite for last ;D ;D ;D A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf." robbo ten stars Robbo... that's given me an 'eye waterer' thaty one mate... superb :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I liked the first one Here's another quick one. Yorkshire Police are battling the latest drug fad, ecstasy injected into the mouth. by revellers. Police have called it, E by gum!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Frome nudist colony has been broken in to, PC Wilson is looking in to it :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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