joke of the day!!

nashmach · June 25, 2008

US General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and the General who was about to have a Boy Scout Troop visit his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.........

jdman · June 25, 2008

bob the builder can we fix it no tis f##ked

short but sweet :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

robbo · June 27, 2008

Pudding has already alluded to the Man Laws in a reply to a post so here are the full laws

Not since Moses has a truer set of laws been devised!!!!

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

;D ;D ;D ;D

robbo · June 27, 2008

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Simon · June 27, 2008

Oh Mike, that was it for me mate, caused a little leak :D :D

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

robbo · June 27, 2008

Oh Mike, that was it for me mate, caused a little leak :D :D

Believe it or not it was Mrs Robbo who sent these to me and her favourite was the "BALLS" one :-X :-X :-X not sure that I am brave enough to try it though ;D

walsh35 · June 27, 2008

robbo, you missed the one .

on a floor layers van.

the only thing we cant lay is an egg.

robbo · June 30, 2008

Tommy Cooper Jokes - absolute classics

I went to see a friend with her new baby last night, she asked me if I wanted to wind it.

I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg

*****

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

*****

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

*****

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

*****

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

*****

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

*****

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

*****

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

*****

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

Hello who's speaking?

And a voice said 'You are.'

*****

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

*****

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

*****

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

*****

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and

he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted

again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

*****

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

*****

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

*****

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

*****

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

*****

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

*****

A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

*****

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

*****

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

*****

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

*****

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

*****

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

*****

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

*****

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

*****

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

*****

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

*****

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

*****

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

*****

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

*****

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

*****

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

robbo · June 30, 2008

First picture from NASA of water on Mars, amazing and outstanding!!

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/0504/WaterOnMars2_gcc.jpg

you may have to copy and past the link into your browser.

pudding · July 2, 2008

ha ha!............there is a electrician here in my town that has 'let us remove your shorts' on his van

marshman · July 2, 2008

God said, 'Adam, I

want you to do

something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,

Lord, what do you

want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down

into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to

him. Then God said,

'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that

To him, and then said,

'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a

Hill?'

So, God explained to

Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On

The other side of the

hill you will find a

cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a

Cave?'

After God explained,

He said, 'In the cave

you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained

That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I

Want you to

reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do

I do that?'

God sighed.......

And then, just like everything else, God Explained that to

Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down

into the valley,

Across the river,

over the hill, into the

Cave, and finds the

Woman.

In about five minutes,

he was back.

God, His patience

wearing thin, said

'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO

LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

'What's a headache?'

marshman · July 2, 2008

My dads mate sent the above to him and me ::) :

farmermarshall · July 10, 2008

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

> We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

>

> She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

> She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

> The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

> She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

> She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

> If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here <http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg>

marshman · July 10, 2008

brillant steven :D

Simon · July 10, 2008

Why We Like The British - FROM ACTUAL BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high

for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas

used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily

Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman was arrested for shoplifting a whole salami.

When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian

boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they

don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.

'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up

in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Lady Ferguson · July 22, 2008

Love Story

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't

mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both

patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the

hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He

sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she

now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life

of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound

mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his

bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon

can I go home ?'

Lord Ferguson · July 25, 2008

Moral test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By

giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which

you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're

caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly

hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into

the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the

raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic

Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the

country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the

classic simplicity of black and white?

FORD+FORDSON · July 25, 2008

i was playing soccer today and i lashed the ball , my brother in goal saved it with his knees (my other brother was running up to the goal at the same time for the rebound) anyway it hit the other brother outfield in the face and he actually scored a goal. :D :DWe thought it was so funny :D

Barry · August 4, 2008

This girl was from a family of them.....

on University Challange tonight

robbo · August 10, 2008

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently

wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered

violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the

man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed

when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped

her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain

his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,'I couldn't help

but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then

shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you. I

have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an

orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I

have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking

anything for it?' The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

robbo · August 11, 2008

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a Nun . Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The Nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The Nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The Nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The Nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

robbo · August 13, 2008

This one made me laugh so much I had tears running down my face, as you read this joke please try to visualise it ;D ;D ;D

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?'

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?'

With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's ******, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'

;D ;D ;D ;D

robbo · August 14, 2008

*Top ten most bizarre and genuine travelling customer complaints

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just

never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer

complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that

almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2. The beach was too sandy.

3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but

he was too upset to use them as the fish! ! frightened him.

4. It rained on my birthday.

5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was

ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local

store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I

often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (Â£3.50) from a

street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9. None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the

same as at home.

10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the

resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

robbo · August 19, 2008

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry

member of the public

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the

past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to

pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try

e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your

colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

(I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just

off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a

football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This

causes an earth shattering CLANG, which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring

system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through

several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so

thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a

saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited

attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between

the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off

then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them

the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with

them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt

with,why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)

when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda

car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course

serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month

head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ???,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the

problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you

have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend

an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ????

Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police

Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris

McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community

Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the

five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen

you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and

infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the

moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand

basin? It's surely only a

matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking

place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without

due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to

explain using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that

they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within

spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being

the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free

to contact me on <????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards

???

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!

jcb4cxkid · August 19, 2008

nice one robbo

joke of the day!!

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