batcher Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britainswomble Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 A man goes to see a psychiatrist about his problem. He walks into reception and sees a queue on either side of the room where people are waiting for a consultation. He walks up to the reception desk and says to her, "I need to see a doctor", and the receptionist asks him about the nature of his complaint. He says "People are constantly rude to me and I need help" The receptionist looks up at him and coldy says "Far queue" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Just a few ... found an excellent site: One night two prostitutes were walking down the street and one of them smelled the air and said, "Oooooh we're going to make some money tonight because I smell penis" and the other one said, "No I just burped". Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!" A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That?s right." So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That?ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy. "Jeeze, I?d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He?s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ford/nh fan Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 SCAM WARNING: In Tescos, whilst packing shopping in a car you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old eastern european girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your screen with their Boobies hanging out and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment. On the way there they strip and go down on each other then one climbs in the front and sucks you off, the other one nicks your wallet. I had mine stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday and twice last Thursday and again today. Be careful!! Daz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 SCAM WARNING: In Tescos, whilst packing shopping in a car you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old eastern european girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your screen with their Boobies hanging out and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment. On the way there they strip and go down on each other then one climbs in the front and sucks you off, the other one nicks your wallet. I had mine stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday and twice last Thursday and again today. Be careful!! Daz :D :D Ohhhh L O L... that is superb mate.. a little riskay for FTF none the less... but Suuuuuuperb... Spat out my coffee for that one ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Rejected Titles for the movie Brokeback Mountain: - "PRANCES WITH WOLVES" - "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON" - "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID" - "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE" - "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG" - "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER" - "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID" - "LONESOME DOUG" - "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN" - "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER" - "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!" - "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES" - "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER" - "BAREBACK MOUNTING" - "BONE-NANZA" - "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS" - "HOME ON THE RANGER" - "OKLAHOMO" - "ROOSTER COCKBURN" - "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE" - "BALONEY PONY RODEO" - "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS" - "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. What else could it be hahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SIMON. Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 SADDAM LAWYERS ARE INVESTINGATING CLAIMS THE TYRANT WAS BISEXUAL , RUMOURES STRATED WHEN HE STARTED SWINGIN BOTH WAYS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death last week of a very important man which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SIMON. Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 PADDY WAS DRIVING HOME piddled AS A NEWT SUDDENLY HE HAD 2 SWERVE 2 AVOID A TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER . A COP CAR PULLS HIM OVER AS HE SWERVES ALL OVER THE ROAD .PADDY TELLS THE COP ALL ABOUT THE TREES IN THE ROAD . THE COP SAYS THATS YOUR AIR FRESHENER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic. Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? A. She sold her car for it... Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?" Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? A. Because they have blond boyfriends Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A. Their both empty from the neck up Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A. Get'em on their back and their both screwed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 as promised, I've found some airline funnies, from the Control tower side.... (apologies if you have seen these befre) In these days when it is usually stressful to fly, the following should help ease the anguish of traveling by air. Conversations that passengers normally don't hear The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! " Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... ?150.00." A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES." The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away. The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... ?150.00." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 What are the four worst things about being an egg? 1. You only get hard once 2. You only get laid once 3. You only get eaten once 4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 What are the four worst things about being an egg? 1. You only get hard once 2. You only get laid once 3. You only get eaten once 4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother :D :D cracking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Miss Christina , the church organist, was in her eighties and had >>> never been >>> married. >>> >>> She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. >>> >>> One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him >>> into her >>> quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat >>> while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the >>> young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The >>> bowl >>> was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a >>> condom! >>> >>> When she returned with tea and scones, they began to >>> chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of >>> water >>> and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he >>> could no >>> longer resist. >>> >>> "Miss Christina", he said, "I wonder if you would tell >>> me about this?" pointing to the bowl. >>> >>> "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was >>> walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little >>> package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the >>> organ, keep it >>> wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know >>> I haven't >>> had the flu all winter." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 :D :D cracking You crack me up with your wit and your eggsellent humour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 You crack me up with your wit and your eggsellent humour And you too Batrcher.... you have really come out of your shell recently on here Urrrrrrrgggggghhhh big groan :D I'll get my coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 And you too Batrcher.... you have really come out of your shell recently on here Urrrrrrrgggggghhhh big groan :D I'll get my coat Hey it's no yoking matter you know Still the yoke is on you for spelling my name wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Not sure if this is an old one or not but it was todays assembly and i found it quite amusing Here goes ... sorry if it's an old one A man i know dedicated his whole life to tractors. John Deere especially. He had John Deere ties,books,jumpers,wall papers,tooth pick dispensers the lot! He even had his hedge cut into the shape of a tractor and painted his Nissan Micra with a yellow stripe and yellow wheels. He was mad about tractors.So he was understandably delighted when he heard that there was a ploughing match at his village and John Deere were testing the latest series. He got up nice and early and found the video camera and rushed to the field where the John Deere would be ploughing. He was so desperate to film the newest John Deere that he got so close to the tractor the Deere actually run over his foot and the plough blade sliced through his foot. He was rushed to hospital with severe foot injuries and left with only half a foot. When he got home he stared at his John Deere teddy and thought what have i done with my life? Im 39 and have dedicated my life to tractors. I don't have a decent job because i used to bunk off school to watch the tractors and have never been to a pub. So he thought sod it im going to the pub. So annoyed he threw his John Deere books on the floor, ripped the wall paper and so on. Upon arriving at the pub he opened the door and was instantly choking. He had never been in such a smoky place and walked over slowly to the barmen. He asked ' Is it alright if i get rid of some of the smoke please mate?' The barmen replied well OK but don't open the windows as it will get too cold. Instead he started to suck up the smoke... slirp slirp as he removed all of the smoke. The room was crystal clear and the barmen in amazement asked him ' How on earth did you do that?'. The man replied ' Simple! Im an ex-tractor fan !! ' :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 OH Noooooooooooooooooooo! I got chastised for publishing this one as it had already been done!! 3 different twists now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,? if you're blind, why do you want to fly?" And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience. So off through the skies they went! The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!" A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?" The man said, "because crap is running out of my collar!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SIMON. Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Man goes into an amsterdam brothel and asks the mademe 4 the fastest brid with the saggiest boobs and a big gob the mademe says ; feeling kinky sir ? " no the man replies just homesick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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