SIMON. Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Boy asks mum what are you doing ?mum says "dad has a big belly so i get on top to flatten it out " boy says your wasting your time mum every time you go out the lady next door comes round gets down on her knees and blows it back up again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid ?6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid ?3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
massey man Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Viagra has just come onto the market avalible as a powder to mix in your tea,apparently it stops ur biscuit from goin soft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Black Pepper." A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box it's a tiger.' He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .....' he sighed, 'Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box .....' A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left ******** and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia. >> >> "Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right ********, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. >> >> The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up. Then to walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. >> >> The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?" >> >> The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 A seventy year old man went to give a sperm donation. He went into the room to do the needful, and then the trouble started. He tried with his left hand: No good He tried with his ight hand: No good So he called his wife and asked her to come in and help him She tried with her left hand: No good She tried with her right hand: No use either She tried with her teeth on: No good She tried with her teeth off: No So they went and called the lady from the reception desk, hoping she could improve the situation Well she tried with her left hand: No good She tried with her right hand: No use either She tried with her teeth on: No good She tried with her teeth off: No, She still couldn't get the top off the bottle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Some of my girls on the sales desk where laughing yesterday morning and looking in my direction which is always very spooky and as it turns out this was the reason why Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For ?5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a ?5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Dear Mum and Dad Hope you are well. Tell big brothers Paddy,Sean and Mick that being in the army is better than working on the farm, tell them to get into the army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow at settling in at first as you don`t get up until 6am. I like to sleep in now. All you do before brekky is make your bed, clean your boots and your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack-----nothing. Men must shave but it is alright as there is hot water and a light to see what you are doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but no fillet steak or sausage. You don`t get fed again till noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered as we are on route march, just like walking to the well in the meadow. This will kill Sean and Paddy, I keep getting medals for shooting- I dunno why as the middle of the target is the size of a bloody bulls head and it doesn`t move or fire back like the Johnsons did when the bull got there cow pregnant before the Ballina show. All you got to do is make yourself comfy and hit the target, piece of cake. You don`t have to load your cartridges as they come in boxes and you don`t have to steady yourself against the tractor roll bar when you reload. Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I have to be real careful coz they break easy, it`s not like fighting with Sean, Paddy and Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do. It turns out that I`m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I`m the best the platoons got, and I`ve only been beaten by this guy from Dublin, he`s 6`8" and 120 kg I`m 5`6" and 65kg, but I fought to the end. I can`t complain about the army, tell the boys to get in quick before the word gets around at how good it is. Your Loving Daughter Siobhan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 :D :D Funny but also rather true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the other green Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Aaahh, brilliant! I even scrolled down and missed the last two lines out 'till the end, made it even better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY > > After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. > > "So, how is everything going?" enquired God. > > "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets > are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I > have just one > problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes > the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, > catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real > pain," reported Eve. > > And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came > in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having > only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as > she put it. > > "That is a fair point," replied God, " But it was my first shot at this, > you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed > only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right > away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it > into the bushes. > > Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. > > "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" > > "Just fantastic," she replied, " But for one oversight on your part. You > see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has > her bull. All the > animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." > > God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How > could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately > create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I > put that useless tit? > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feedsto another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQLdatabase through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says,"Okay, why not?" "You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep." "Now, give me back my dog." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walsh35 Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY TALE once upon a time a, aguy asked a girl "will you marry me ?" the girl said, "no!" and the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. THE END. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means? You'll know tonight.... he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 > >>Subject: Life Savers Test > >>A teacher was doing a study testing the senses > >>(taste) of first graders using a bowl of > >>lifesavers. > >> > >>The children began to say: > >> > >>Red......................Cherry > >>Yellow.................Lemon > >>Green...................Lime > >>Orange................. Orange > >> > >>Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY > >>lifesavers. > >> > >>After eating them, none of the children could > >>identify the taste. > >> > >>"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. > >>It's what your mother may sometimes call your > >>father." > >> > >>One little girl looked up in horror, spit her > >>lifesaver out and yelled, > >> > >>"Oh, my God, they're ass holes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. "She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ___________________________________________ WHAT A CHOICE A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _____________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" ______________________________________________________ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried The dispatcher says, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?" "Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we?ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Brilliant Batcher, just brilliant!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hey ! I had those in line for posting !! but here's are a few more ....... > "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the > overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before > assisting children... or other adults acting like children." > > ****** > > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight > attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." > > ****** > > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is > pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. > Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" > > ****** > > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake > City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite > a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it > wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the > flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!" > > ****** > > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain > was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the > Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please > remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain > taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" > > ****** > > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We > ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the > terminal." > > ****** > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his > ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required > the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, > smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in > light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in > the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally > everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. > She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the > pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we > shot down?" > > ****** > > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came > on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. > Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against > the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are > silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the > wreckage to the terminal." > > ****** > > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank > you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane > urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we > hope you'll think of US Airways." > > ****** > > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the > intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome > to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather > ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful > flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after > a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies > and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was > talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the > hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger > in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Sad news..... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community... The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Hope this made you smile. And hope you really didn't knead it because you were having anything but a crumby day!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 "cute" ones by the kiddies > > HOW TO PICK YOUR MATE > > You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you > like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should > keep the chips and dip coming. > -- Alan, age 10 > > No person really decides before they grow up who they're going > to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later > who you're stuck with. > -- Kristen, age 10 > > WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? > Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person > FOREVER by then. > -- Camille, age 10 > > HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? > You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be > yelling at the same kids. > -- Derrick, age 8 > > WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? > Both don't want any more kids. > -- Lori, age 8 > > > WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? > Dates are for having fun, and people should use > them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say > if you listen long enough. > -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) > > On the first date, they just tell each other > lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a > second date. > -- Martin, age 10 > > > WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? > When they're rich. > -- Pam, age 7 > > The law says you have to be eighteen, so I > wouldn't want to mess with that. > - - Curt, age 7 > > The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, > then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the > right thing to do. > -- Howard, age 8 > > > IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? > It's better for girls to be single but not for > boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. > -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) > > HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE > DIDN'T GET MARRIED? > There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, > wouldn't there? > -- Kelvin, age 8 > > And the #1 Favorite is........ > HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? > Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if > she looks like a truck. > -- Ricky, age 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches 1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable. 4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner. 10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. 13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches. 15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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