Leakeyvale Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 a classsic!! Especially as I spent half an hour on the phone yesterday with friends who have just purchased their first computer and the mouse clicks were not working. The mouse had frozen so I took them through all the keyboard moves to close all the windows and restart the computer without having to resort to the dangerous "just switch it off" method. I have to admit I thought it might come to that as a lot of the program buttons were not responding to the keyboard either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson." :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pether Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 ;D very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johny mf Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 ;D i liked this joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 ;D i liked this joke! So did I - my initials are SL!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 A blonde entered a store that sold curtains and told the salesman she wanted to buy a pair of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns but the blonde was struggling to make a choice. Eventually she selected a pink floral print. "What size curtains do you need?" asked the salesman. "Fifteen Inches", replied the blonde. "That sounds very small. What room are they for?" "They're not for a room", said the blonde. "They're for my computer monitor." The salesman was baffled. "But, miss, computers do not need curtains. The blonde said, "Hellloooo! ... I've got Windooows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pether Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 HA HA brilliant!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen, says her mother. Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London? When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!" Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom, for being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,"Mom"! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" Indade there is, me darlin, replies her Mom. But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet, now do we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pether Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 nt bad at al Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 If men wrote advice columns ... Dear Fred: I really need your help. I was driving to work, and I was only a block from home when the car stalled and would not re-start even thought I had plenty of gas. I walked back home to discover my husband prancing around the house in my make-up and underwear. He tried to say that he was just out of underwear, but finally admitted he had been wearing my clothes for about a year. He lost his job 18 months ago and has been near-suicidal with depression. I don't want to push him over the edge, but I am really at a loss as what to do. I can't eat or sleep. Please help. Signed, A worried wife Dear worried wife: It sounds like a problem with the fuel injector. I would take the cap off, wipe down all of the connections and replace any worn caps, and try to restart it. Check the hoses for leaks, and change the spark plugs. Good luck. Fred Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 ;D Funny!! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 More for the Ladies on here The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties ) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know, it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour puss ! One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt . Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower . ' Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 More for the Ladies on here ........ 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) ............ YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I keep My husband from reading my email very easily - he does not know how to switch on the computer.! All absolutely Brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Fantastic... made me smile BIG time this morning * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Try again.... Listen to this... cracked me up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone.' The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.' His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it, Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife...' His funeral service will be held on Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone.' The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.' His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it, Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife...' His funeral service will be held on Friday. :D thats brilliant Gavvers :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 What do you call an Indian with one leg? Balan-Singh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 What do you call an Indian with one leg? Balan-Singh :D :D... that is sooooooooooo my sort of joke Nick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 what do you call a lesbian pakistani "Mingeeater" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Okay... I know lots of these What d'you call a man with a prayer mat on his head ..... Neil What d'you call a man with a Seagull on his head .... Cliff You are sooooooo gonna wish you hadn't started this one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Okay... I know lots of these What d'you call a man with a prayer mat on his head ..... Neil What d'you call a man with a Seagull on his head .... Cliff You are sooooooo gonna wish you hadn't started this one... What do you call a man with a number plate on his head? Reg What do you call a dead man with a number plater on his head? X-Reg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1/32 farmer Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 so wot do you call aman with a spade in his hand doug wot do you call a man without a spade in his hand douglas :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 did you know a china man invented the muck spreader he was called "I flungdung" the well known book "yellow river" was written by "I.P.Daily" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.