Lady Ferguson Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Brilliant Sue... I've made a note of all of them... and have put a roll of duct tape and some WD40 in my handbag for tonite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Brilliant Sue... I've made a note of all of them... and have put a roll of duct tape and some WD40 in my handbag for tonite Just the job but I would put a screwdriver and a pair of scissors in there as well - duct tape is jolly hard to tear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Just the job but I would put a screwdriver and a pair of scissors in there as well - duct tape is jolly hard to tear DOH... thats why god invented teeth Sue :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 DOH... thats why god invented teeth Sue :D She never intended them to be used on duct tape. Oh no Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Due to the outrage caused by a bear called Mohammed in Sudan, Sootie has been forced to cancel his tour of Jamaica Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Due to the outrage caused by a bear called Mohammed in Sudan, Sootie has been forced to cancel his tour of Jamaica Thats funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 2 men sitting outside Waterloo station begging, 1 was a pakistani and the other an englishman. The pakistani lives in a mansion and drives a BMW, the englishman lives in a cardboard box and walks everywhere. The pakistanis pot is full of ?10 notes and the englishmans has a few coppers in it. The englidhman asks the pakistani "how come your pot is full of money?" The pakistani leans over and looks at the englishmans card and says "you have on your card 6 children to feed and a wife to surport. thats your problem" The englishman reads out whats on the pakisranis card "I ONLY NEED ?10 MORE FOR A ONE WAY TICKET TO PAKISTAN" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BERRY Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Seven Dwarfs went to meet the pope Go on dopey ask chanted the other six ok said dopey, sir are there nuns in alaska Yes said the pope again the other six chanted Go on dopey ask ok said dopey, sir are there coloured nuns in alaska? again the pope replied yes So again the other six chanted Go on dopey ask sir are there miget nuns in alaska no i dont think so said the pope all of the dwarfs leapt up except dopey shouting dopey slept with a penguin slept with a penguin slept with a penguin!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 i think this is the way this joke goes... 3 women were discussing in a pub how their husbands preform in bed.... the first women says my hubbys like a BMW M3, quick starter and excellent preformance the second women says my husbands like a mercedes (same) easy whiched on and runs smooth the third wife says, well my husbands like a old fordson, start him by hand, then jump on..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Tampax have announced that they are replacing the string on their tampons with tinsel. This will only be for the Christmas Period! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Best man to the groom on the wedding morning. "You going to be a man and have her tonight or be a mouse and have her tomorrow night"? Groom to best man. "No. I was a rat and had her last night"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Tampax have announced that they are replacing the string on their tampons with tinsel. This will only be for the Christmas Period! :D Love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 :D Ditto! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 what do you call a german virgin..... vniceandtight (better when it's pernounced) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I got a race horse and called him 'my face' dont care if he dont win a race, i just want to hear all the posh tarts at ascot shoutin COME ON MY FACE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIWINZ Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I got a race horse and called him 'my face' dont care if he dont win a race, i just want to hear all the posh tarts at ascot shoutin COME ON MY FACE! Nick... I'm surprised at you darling PS (very funny though ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1/32 farmer Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 yer and my mates called wayne king :D :D good one nick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeredriver Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 That is a good un Nick :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted December 17, 2007 Share Posted December 17, 2007 spelt come wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honourable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.' 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER) 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family . Unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember . They walk among us! *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIWINZ Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 ;D :D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 ;D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 Christmas isn't going too well for Santa. Santa's wife has denied him his conjugal rights. The elves have told him that they are going on strike. The reindeer have developed blue tongue. Someone has lost the computer disc containing the names and addresses of all the children. Just at this moment, a fairy appeared with a tree tucked under her arm. She turned to Santa and said: "Where would you like to put this tree?" And that is why you will always find the fairy at the top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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