joke of the day!!

[Deerepower]

very good :D

[Leakeyvale]

Very topical!

[SMurF]

What does a man with a 10 inch penis have for breakfast \

[powerrabbit]

'Twas Christmas day in the workhouse

the one time of year

when the workers minds were full of women

and their bellies full of beer.

"You'll do your chores this morning" said the Master. "I hope you understood?

Or you'll get no turkey dinner or any Christmas pud".

The workers seized the Master, they fought with might and main.

They cut his bloody privates off and pulled the fu**ing chain.

[SMurF]

What does a man with a 10 inch penis have for breakfast \

Well this morning i had a fry up

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Lord Ferguson]

Well this morning i had a fry up

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

:D :D - thats good Scott...  :D

[batcher]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.

'Didn't my idea work?'

'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.

So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.

'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started' 

[KIWINZ]

;D ;D ;D

[BERRY]

ha ha!

;D

[jakescot]

Nun`s bus crash

the nuns of St Theresa`s were out for the day when the coach they were travelling in was involved in a serious accident which resulted in the death of most of the nuns.

They of course are en route to Heaven  but before entering through the pearly gates St Peter is booking them in.He asks siser Mary, have you ever touched a penis? Oh St Peter ,how could you ask that  but I do have to confess that I have indeed once touched a penis.It was however only slightly with my fingers.Ah he says then sister ,please cleanse your fingers by dipping them in the font of holy water.She does this and is admitted to Heaven.

Sister Elizabeth is next and is asked the same question.St Peter I cannot tell a lie, yes I have touched a penis, it was only with my hand.This is met with the same response please put your hand in the font of holy water before you enter Heaven.

A noise erupts at the back of the queue and this rather burly nun, sister Catherine bursts forward and approaches St Peter."Sister , what`s you`re hurry, name please.."

she says I`m sister Catherine, St Peter ,and if I`m to gargle this here holy water I must insist on doing so before sister Agnes  sticks her fat ass in the font!

[batcher]

A Navy Admiral and a Coast Guard Chief are at the barbers getting their hair cut and a shave.

The barber asked the Admiral if he wanted after shave and he proclaimed loudly 'sh*t no, my wife will think I smell like the inside of a *****-house!'

The Chief said quietly, go ahead and hook me up, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****-house smells like.' 

[KIWINZ]

jakescot and stevo well done!!!!!!

[BERRY]

jakescot and stevo well done!!!!!!

ill second that!!! ;D

[BGU]

Thought for the day.......................

I recently purchased a teddy bear for ?10.

I named it Mohammed and sold it for ?20. My question is though..........................

................have I made a prophet???

[SMurF]

Stop reading the text messages ;D ;D

[THEBRITFARMER]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I  have 50 Christmas stamps?"

   

The clerk says, "What  denomination?"

   

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists"

[fendt-man-matty]

ok if anyone has seen Patrick Kielty live as a stand up commedian you will know this....

ok carol vordamin was visiting the south of ireland for the signing of her new book.. and a radio station was giving away two tickets to meet her and get a signing of her new book. the way to win the tickets is to give the DJ a word that is not listed in the dictionary but used in everyday lanuage....

right so the DJ gets a caller

DJ- hello, whats the word that isnt in the dictionary that is used in everyday lanuage??

caller- my word is GOOAN

DJ- no thats not in the dictionary, what is the use of this word??

caller- GOOAN F**K YOURSELF

so the call is immediately cut off and the DJ apologises to the listners and cant believe whats happened, and keeps saying sorry, so the DJ plays a song until he gets another caller... everyone still cant believe whats happened, so the DJ takes the next call...

DJ- i do apologise for the last caller with his FILTHY lanuage, anyway, what is the word you are giving me?

caller- my word is ISMEE

DJ-no thats not in the dictionary what is the every day use for your word?

caller- ITS ME AGAIN, GOAN F**K YOURSELF!!

so everyone just cant believe whats just been said...

:D yep i loved that joke it was patrick kielty that said that in his lastest tour :D

[fendt-man-matty]

ok if anyone has seen Patrick Kielty live as a stand up commedian you will know this....

ok carol vordamin was visiting the south of ireland for the signing of her new book.. and a radio station was giving away two tickets to meet her and get a signing of her new book. the way to win the tickets is to give the DJ a word that is not listed in the dictionary but used in everyday lanuage....

right so the DJ gets a caller

DJ- hello, whats the word that isnt in the dictionary that is used in everyday lanuage??

caller- my word is GOOAN

DJ- no thats not in the dictionary, what is the use of this word??

caller- GOOAN F**K YOURSELF

so the call is immediately cut off and the DJ apologises to the listners and cant believe whats happened, and keeps saying sorry, so the DJ plays a song until he gets another caller... everyone still cant believe whats happened, so the DJ takes the next call...

DJ- i do apologise for the last caller with his FILTHY lanuage, anyway, what is the word you are giving me?

caller- my word is ISMEE

DJ-no thats not in the dictionary what is the every day use for your word?

caller- ITS ME AGAIN, GOAN F**K YOURSELF!!

so everyone just cant believe whats just been said...

:D yep i loved that joke it was patrick kielty that said that in his lastest tour :D

aw great i found the proper version of this joke please watch it is hilarious!!!

[JC]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[batcher]

This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1977: Long hair

2007 : Longing for hair

1977 : Acid rock

2007 : Acid reflux

1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2007 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1977 : Seeds and stems

2007 : Roughage

1977 : Going to a new, hip joint

2007 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977 : Rolling Stones

2007: Kidney Stones

1977 : Screw the system

2007: Upgrade the system

1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2007 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1977 : Passing the drivers' test

2007 : Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever

2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting university this

year were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. 

[Graeme]

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife

looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****."_____

[Kiwi6920]

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife

looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Poo."_____

Pure GOLD mate

[Graeme]

              SUBJECT: LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER !!!

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they're  finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you

think he means her first, second, or third husband?

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs".

[SPN]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where

a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store

operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may

choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to

exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help

With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it Still, she goes to

the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with

Housework , and have a Strong Romantic Streak .

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6  - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this

floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible 

to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New 

Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited .

[nashmach]

The Irish student in the Private English School

 

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have

a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have

Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

 

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin? deadly at General Knowledge.

This is gonna be sooo easy!?

Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. ?Don't ask what  your

country can do for you, but what you can do for your country??

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher

looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. ?Yes, Farqhuar??

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ?Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy ?

inauguration speech 1960.?

 

Teacher: ?Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we

will see you back in class on Tuesday.?

 

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

 

Teacher: 'Who said.?We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them

in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender??

 

Little Paddy?s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting ?I know. I

know. Me Miss, me Miss!? Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,

sitting at the front: ?Yes Tarquin??

 

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): ?Yes miss, the answer is

Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.?

 

Teacher: ?Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come

back to class on Tuesday.?

 

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been

studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

 

Teacher: '?Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'?

 

Little Paddy?s arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,

jumping up and down screaming ?Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,

me miss, meeeeee ?

 

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front ?Yes

Rupert.? Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English

accent): ?Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong,  1969 , the first moon landing.?

 

Teacher: '?Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come

back into class on Tuesday.?

 

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee

chair at the wall. He starts screaming ?WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE

ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM??

 

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: ?Who said that??

 

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, ?Patrick

Pear$e,

GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.?