Mrs P Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 In Honor of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods from around the world.................. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...really ?...) On a Walmart hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (When else do i have time to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos Chips -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be ....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Ouch - was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 That's ridiculous :D All true? Whats the world coming too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 REDNECK JOKES: Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee? Nice tooth. How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the front desk says "go ahead". How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary. What do they call them in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and famous. How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned down? Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park. What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee? I-40 A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" The driver says, " 'bout what"? A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister. What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room? A full set of teeth. Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive" The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Great chat-up lines for all us single guys on here (guaranteed to get a slap in the face): Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Man - Fat Penguin ! Woman - WHAT? Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed- rock. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 :D all of the above funny Sex in the Dark >There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time >they made love the husband always insisted on shutting >off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was >ridiculous. >She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one >night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic >session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her >husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! >Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely >ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could >you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" >The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll >explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 Two women were playing golf. > > One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a > foursome of men playing the next hole. > > The ball hit one of the men. > > He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the > ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. > > The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. > > "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could >>relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. > > "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man > replied. > > He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his > hands together at his groin. > > At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. > > Sh e gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his > pants and put her hands inside. > > She administered tender and artful massage to his genitals for several > long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" > > He replied, "It feels great ......but my thumb still hurts like hell." > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 This is bizarre. Give it a try. CLICK ON THE URL BELOW. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow. When you write something in the left space and then click on "Say it", she says it! You can also change persons doing the talking, etc. You can also change the language being spoken http://vhost.oddcast.com/vhost_minisite/demos/tts/tts_example.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 This is bizarre. Give it a try. CLICK ON THE URL BELOW. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow. When you write something in the left space and then click on "Say it", she says it! You can also change persons doing the talking, etc. You can also change the language being spoken http://vhost.oddcast.com/vhost_minisite/demos/tts/tts_example.html Mmm, nice but I was put off when the voice turned to a male one when asking me to do certain crude things to her in Italian .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 : : is that supposed to be a joke?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 : : is that supposed to be a joke?? Not really but best for it rather than starting another thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 sign of the times..... ...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. ...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. ...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. ...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. ...I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted May 13, 2006 Share Posted May 13, 2006 sign of the times..... ...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. ...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. ...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. ...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. ...I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back........ :D :D - Top joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 One night Udi came home and was making alot of noise, mrs Udi shouts down "What the hells all that noise" Udi replies " I'm trying to bring a barrell of beer up the stairs" "Do it tomorrow" replies Mrs Udi "I can't I've already drank it" says udi :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Ford Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 :D :D thats good. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 Marky comes in examining his belly in the mirror. "If your guts were on a woman she'd be pregnant" says Mrs F "They have been and she is"!! says Marky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 Marky comes in examining his belly in the mirror. "If your guts were on a woman she'd be pregnant" says Mrs F "They have been and she is"!! says Marky. Aaaaaaaaah Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! Thats a cracker if ever there was one!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 14, 2006 Share Posted May 14, 2006 Funny like those :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted May 15, 2006 Share Posted May 15, 2006 Aaaaaaaaah Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! Thats a cracker if ever there was one!!!! Works best with Marky as the culprit too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordson lass Posted May 16, 2006 Share Posted May 16, 2006 http://www.tomboy-films.co.uk/virals/index.html Turn the volume down though-Rob was wandering what on earth I was listening too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Try this: http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/1.swf check out some of the other cards available too ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 NHS Humor In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 ** FALLS OVER AND HITS HEAD LAUGHING *** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 NHS Humor In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "Willytails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO" Tears are rollin' down my cheeks....best laugh I've had for weeks! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 soon cure that then with this howler....... The anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday was a few weeks ago; He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a family connection. . . . . It is called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordson lass Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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