joke of the day!!

[farmernick06]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[JohnP]

Engineers Patrick and Seamus (Dublin mechanical engineers)  were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said  Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few  bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her  pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres," and walked away.

 

Seamus shook his head and laughed.  "Ain't that  just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[JC]

:D :D :D :D

[Deeredriver]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was piddled.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady ******* cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Fa lling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[batcher]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"?10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found ?110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was ?10.00, not ?110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Barry]

Englishman, Scotsman and a Chinaman go for a job interview on a builing site.

The Foreman asks the Englishman, "What is your skill?"

The Englishman replies "I build the best walls for miles around, really fast"

"Ok" says the Foreman, "go and build me a wall, 10ft long and 6ft high over in the far corner of this site, and you've got an hour to do it"

The Foreman then asks the Scotsman , "What is your skill?"

The Scotsman replies, "Well I can dig holes really fast, very deep and nice and square all the way down"

"Ok" says the Foreman, "go and dig me a 6ft square hole, 6ft deep, in the middle of the site, and you've got an hour to do it"

Then its the turn of the Chinaman, "What is your skill?" asks he Foreman

"I don't have any" says the Chinaman

The Foreman thinks for a while and says to the Chinaman, "well I need somebody to do the supplies, do you think you can do this?"

The Chinaman says "Yes, no problem" and goes to the office area.

An hour later, the Foreman goes and checks on the new recruits.

First its to the Englishman in the far corner.

The Englishman has built a 10ft x 6ft wall, dead straight and level, enough to impress the Foreman.

Then he goes to the Scotsman in the middle of the site.

The Scotsman has dug a hole 6ft square and 6ft deep very cleanly, enough to impress the Foreman.

Then he goes to the office area to see the Chinaman, but he's nowhere to be found.

After 10 minutes of searching in and around the office, the Chinaman jumps out of a pile of boxes shouting "SUPPLIES"!!!!!!!

[farmernick06]

Hahahaha nice one !! 

[TM190]

i like that one  :D

[farmernick06]

Like the one where the wheely bin man comes round and asks the chinese man where his bin. The Chinese man replies " Oh i bin a toilet". The dustbin man says " No mate you don't understand wheres your wheely bin " The Chinese man goes red and says " I wheely bin a W@n|<"

[Lord Ferguson]

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

>>

>>  He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

>>  As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the

>> course of the evening they get chatting.

>>  At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

>>

>>  Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay $200

>> to sleep with him.

>>

>>  As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she

>> agrees.

>>

>>  The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and

>>  after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him

>> again for $200.

>>  She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

>>

>>  This goes on for 5 nights.

>>

>>  On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and

>>  sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more

>> attention then,

>>  maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits

>> next to him.

>>

>>  She asks him where he's from in Australia.

>>

>>  "Melbourne", he tells her.

>>

>>  "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

>>

>>  "Glen Iris" he replies.

>>

>>  "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

>>

>>  "Cameo Street" he replies.

>>

>>  "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering;

>>  "What number?"

>>

>>  "Number 20", he replies.

>>

>>  She is totally astonished.

>>

>>  "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number

>> 22! My parents still live there!"

>>

>>  "I know..." he says,

>>

>>  "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

>>

>>  HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

>>

>>

[Lord Ferguson]

This one is Brilliant...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a

bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's

mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and

tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite

words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean

up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he shouted at the parrot. The parrot

shouted back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even

ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and

put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked

and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet; not a peep was heard

for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the

freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and

said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

behavior".

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about

to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour,

the bird continued:

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Lord Ferguson]

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to >clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a huge >fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he >beats the offending fish to death.  Upon doing so he realises that his boss is >not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the >dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as >lions will eat anything.  So Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

>

>Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. >Harry gets stuck in the monkey house and a couple of chimps starts throwing >coconuts at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, >killing them instantly. Harry is really worried now, so what does he do? He >feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

>

>Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some >South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, and >as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too >worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed >them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

>

>Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and >says 'What's the food like here?'. The other lion says 'absolutely brilliant, >today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees'.

[Udimore]

:D Very good Bignose  :D

A WOMAN came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making

love to a very attractive young woman. "You are a disrespectful pig!"

she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, and the mother

of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away."

Her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can

tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say

to me."

"Well," he said, "I was getting into the car to drive home and this

young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down-and-out and

defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed

that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She told me

she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her

home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones

you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor

thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she

was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I

threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer

jeans you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they

are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary

present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found

the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just

to

annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive

boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her

to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please,

do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

_____________________________________________________________________

Thinking aloud

A TEACHER asked her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She called on little Tommy, who replied, "None. They will all fly away

with the first gunshot."

The teacher replied, "The correct answer is 'four', but I like your

thinking."

Then little Tommy said, "I have a question for YOU. There are three

women sitting on a bench having ice-cream. One is delicately licking the

sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the

top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the

ice-cream. Which one is married?"

Blushing, the teacher replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled

down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Tommy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

[CCF]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Kiwi6920]

I mean no offence to any whales or saliors with this joke

There is a male whale and a female whale out on a date one night. Every thing is going fine untill they spot a whaling ship. This is the same ship that took the males brother last nite. The male turns to his mrs and says: how bout we go let our blow holes off under that ship and tip it over? The female says sure so of they go.  Let there blowholes go and sure enuf over it goes. A few min later the male notices the saliors getting away yet again he turns to the female and says: Lets go and goble up the sailors so they all die and we can seek revenge. The female slaps the male and says;

    Like hell, i went along with the blow job but there ant any way im going to swallow the seamen

There are two nuns biking downa street. one nun turns to the other and says: I have NEVER come this way before. The second nun replys: I know its the Cobble stones  :o

[james f]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[batcher]

Sounds about right

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a

cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: ?If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one??

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly

answers: ?Sure. Why not??

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,

surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an

ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

?You have exactly 1586 sheep.?

?That?s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.?, says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: ?Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ?

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:?Okay, why not??

?You?re a consultant.? says the shepherd.

?Wow! That?s correct,? says the yuppie, ?but how did you guess that??

?No guessing required?, answered the shepherd.

?You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don?t know crap about my business? Now give me back my dog.?

[Fordson lass]

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.

However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit

33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the

worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in

turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was

cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one

afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When

I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife

was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't

find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place

I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back

in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he

yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,

and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors

screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He

landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the

kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and

hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed

him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went

back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,

telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this

apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning

exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the

sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,

I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and

holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when

this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and

started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but

he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull

myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my

fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I

landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of

luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous

refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and

crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken

bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a

refrigerator..."

[THEBRITFARMER]

Actual Housing Complaints

These are extracts from actual letters received by various Councils, Housing Associations etc. throughout the UK.

1. I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send somebody to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% of them have crumbling plaster, and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in his garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two young children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

[Lord Ferguson]

Couple of great ones in that lot... My bush is overgrown...  :D :D

[farmernick06]

Couple of great ones in that lot... My bush is overgrown...  :D :D

Pardon Marky ? It's lucky i read the joke above mate  :P

It's extremely old but for people that haven't seen it before the crazy German kid Vs. The Numa numa kid ( bit of swearing in the subtitles )

[CCF]

DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON  :D

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf

[JC]

I heard today that Ipswich Rugby club were struggling to get a team together for this weekends big game, They're short of 5 hookers apparently.

[Barry]

I heard today that Ipswich Rugby club were struggling to get a team together for this weekends big game, They're short of 5 hookers apparently.

 

OK, on the red buton one, are you supposed to press it cause i followed the instructions and nothing happened!!!!!!! 

[Lord Ferguson]

 

OK, on the red buton one, are you supposed to press it cause i followed the instructions and nothing happened!!!!!!! 

Mee too Bazza... been sat there for about an hour now... and nothing  \