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joke of the day!!


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I heard today that Ipswich Rugby club were struggling to get a team together for this weekends big game, They're short of 5 hookers apparently.

Ipswich rugby team are looking for player for their game on Saturday, evidently they are a few hookers short  :-[

mmmmmm numpty for Bazza i think for not reading the post above his previous red button joke ;) ;) :D :D :D

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Have we had this one yet lads  ???

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house .

 

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.  

 

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

 

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a ?2,000,000 bank account.

 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a ?4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and ?2,000,000 each.

 

However, if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do you suggest I do? "

 

At this point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You sh@g her again!"

 

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Spect you've all heard this one,

A Chinese man takes his sick car into a garage and explains to the mechanic, "No speakie Engrish good" and explains as best possible, the fault.

     The mechanic ,with the aid of a lot of arm waving and simple English says he will have a look at it. Sure enough he drives it into the workshop and its as sick as a pig, the engine sounds really lumpy.

The mechanic does his magic and soon the car is running beautifully so he calls the Chinese man to pick it up.

     Chinese man comes into reception and asks, "What you find wrong" The mechanic tries to keep it simple and says, "You got sh1t in carburettor" and the Chinese man says, "Haa, how offen I do dat" :D;D

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Spect you've all heard this one,

A Chinese man takes his sick car into a garage and explains to the mechanic, "No speakie Engrish good" and explains as best possible, the fault.

    The mechanic ,with the aid of a lot of arm waving and simple English says he will have a look at it. Sure enough he drives it into the workshop and its as sick as a pig, the engine sounds really lumpy.

The mechanic does his magic and soon the car is running beautifully so he calls the Chinese man to pick it up.

    Chinese man comes into reception and asks, "What you find wrong" The mechanic tries to keep it simple and says, "You got sh1t in carburettor" and the Chinese man says, "Haa, how offen I do dat" :D;D

Excellent mate  :D :D :D

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Spect you've heard this one too,

A man is told by his boss that he has to go to work in New York for a couple of months, and when he tells his girlfriend about it she says that he must have her name tattooed on his willy so he behaves himself while he's there. Off he goes and does as girlfriend asked. He goes home and whips out mr wobbly and shows her the result. Sure enough, there it is, the name Wendy.

    While in New York, he goes into a public toilet and has a wee, and a really big black man comes in and stands next to him and does the same. Now our man has heard all the stories about black men and how well endowed they are, so he has a sneaky look. He can't believe his eyes. tattoooed on the mans willy is the name........Wendy. He says to the black man,"I hope you don't mind me asking, but I've just noticed the tattoo on your willy. Is your girlfriends name Wendy too?"

    "No, replies the black man. When its hard it says, Welcome to New York, Have a nice day. " ;);D:D

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Spect you've heard this one too,

A man is told by his boss that he has to go to work in New York for a couple of months, and when he tells his girlfriend about it she says that he must have her name tattooed on his willy so he behaves himself while he's there. Off he goes and does as girlfriend asked. He goes home and whips out mr wobbly and shows her the result. Sure enough, there it is, the name Wendy.

    While in New York, he goes into a public toilet and has a wee, and a really big black man comes in and stands next to him and does the same. Now our man has heard all the stories about black men and how well endowed they are, so he has a sneaky look. He can't believe his eyes. tattoooed on the mans willy is the name........Wendy. He says to the black man,"I hope you don't mind me asking, but I've just noticed the tattoo on your willy. Is your girlfriends name Wendy too?"

    "No, replies the black man. When its hard it says, Welcome to New York, Have a nice day. " ;);D:D

:D :D :D

More jokes!  :D :D :D

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Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match and planned to retire.

An interviewer thought she might speak more freely about herself now that she is off the tennis circuit, and asked:

"Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?"

Her sharp reply was:

"Suck my ****!"

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