MJB1 Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 got some Sadam Hussein shirts for sale................... bit tight around the neck but they hang well :D :D :D :D \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I like it....which American football team you support......i'm a Patriots fan, have been for 15 years, glad to see them doing so well the past few years. Better tell a joke to justify the reply...... What do you call a man in a brown paper bag..........Russell What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe..........Roberto I support the Patriots aswell, great American football team! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 3 minute management course Lesson One! An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson : (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.. (3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the three minute management course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 : :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New Holland Fan Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I thought i'd buy my wife some flowers, so I popped in to the florist on the way home and said to the bloke "I'll have a boquet of your finest lilly's please" He replies " This isn't a florist mate, it's a circumsition clinic" "Well" I said, "There's flowers in the window" "What do you suggest I put in the window" he says... Good one :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 PRODUCT WARNINGS Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products: Liquid Plummer Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages. Windex Do not spray in eyes. Bowl Fresh Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet. Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines. Dremel Electric Rotary Tool This product not intended for use as a dental drill. Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter Safe to use around pets. Endust Duster This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances. Baby Oil Keep out of reach of children Little Ones Baby Lotion Keep away from children Hair Coloring Do not use as an ice cream topping. Wet-Nap Directions: Tear open packet and use. Dial Soap Directions: Use like regular soap. Stridex Foaming Face Wash May contain foam. Beach Ball CAUTION: It is not a life saving device. Chainsaw Do not attempt to stop chain with hands. Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. Bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. Hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygate10 Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted January 3, 2007 Share Posted January 3, 2007 An Irishman walks into a store and says to the clerk, "I'd like to return this scarf please" To which which the clerk replies "Certainly Sir, but may I ask why?" "Sure" says the Irishman, "It's too tight" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?" (I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied) "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about yourself?" I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Product Warnings 3 PRODUCT WARNINGS Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products: Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. Packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. String of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists: Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you New Zealand insect spray: This product not tested on animals. Blanket from taiwan: not to be used as protection from a tornado Cardboard windshield sun shade: Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place. Bottle of shampoo for dogs Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish. Curling Iron Warning: This product can burn eyes. Hair Dryer Do not use in shower. Hair Dryer Do not use while sleeping. Hand-held Massaging Device Do not use while sleeping or unconscious. Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket. Do not place this product into any electronic equipment. A toilet at a public sports facility Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking. Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. Container of Underarm Deodorant. Caution: Do not spray in eyes. Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter. Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks. Toner cartridge for a laser printer Do not eat toner. 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow Not intended for highway use. Can of self-defense pepper spray. May irritate eyes. Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock" Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth. A frisbee Warning: May contain small parts. A toilet bowl cleaning brush. Do not use orally. A birthday card for a 1 year old. Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less. Heated seat cushion Warning: Do not use on eyes. Infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRACTERROR Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Batcher my bloody jaws are sore now ,I have actually seen the Nytol warning label, and there is the Crunchy nut cornflakes ,may contain nuts,there has to be loads more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Product Warnings 2 Product Warnings Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products: Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant Use only on underarms. Zantac 75 Do not take if allergic to zantac. Sleeping Pills Warning: May cause Drowsiness Christmas Lights Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only. Bic Lighter Ignite lighter away from face. Komatsu Floodlight This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark Earplugs These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow Matches Caution: Contents may catch fire. Pepper Spray Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes. Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition. Fix-a-Flat WARNING: Do not weld can to rim. Rain Gauge Suitable for outdoor use. RCA Television Remote Control Not Dishwasher Safe Pine Mountain Fire Logs Caution: Risk of fire Triops Fish Food Warning: Not for human consumption Home Depot Treated Lumber Do not consume Hair Dryer Warning: Do not use while sleeping. Road Sign Caution water on road during rain. Camera This camera will only work when film is inside. Road Sign Cemetery Road. Dead End Church Parking Lot Sign Thou shalt not park Children's Superman Costume Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. Silk Soy Milk Shake well and buy often Air Conditioner Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows. Rowenta Iron Warning: Never iron clothes on the body. Slush Puppy Cup This ice may be cold American Airlines Peanuts Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. Nabisco Easy Cheese For best results, remove cap. Swanson TV Dinners This product must be cooked before eating. Hershey's Almond Bar Warning: May contain traces of nuts Heinz Ketchup Instructions: Put on food Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in the cockpit. S: Something tightened in the cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: The number 3 engine is missing. S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one saved for last...... P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! Oh yes they have !!! [ (I'll have to dig out some crew announcements funnies) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SIMON. Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Bloke says to his wife why don't you tell me when you orgasm ? she replies you konw i don't like ringing you at work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip. : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SIMON. Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 What does a 9 volt battery and a womens arse hole have in common ? You now its wrong but sooner or later yuor going to put your tongue on it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 what's the difference between Alex Ferguson & James Brown ......... ....it's confirmed that Alex will be playing Giggs this year....(sorry ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
New Holland Fan Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Bloke says to his wife why don't you tell me when you orgasm ? she replies you konw i don't like ringing you at work :D Ha Ha good one's :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No ****?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRACTERROR Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Indiana Jones style Explorer and treasure hunter returns,from his expedition in the Amazon .with him he brings the rare knob sucking frog.On greeting his wife he hands her the rare amphibian,To which she snarled "What do you want me to do with that thing?" so the explorer replied,"well you can show it where the bedroon is and then you can get out!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in the Willypit. S: Something tightened in the Willypit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: The number 3 engine is missing. S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in Willypit. S: Cat installed. And the best one saved for last...... P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget. Now that is funnaaayy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said: "a wet ***** always makes a cock happy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Subject: Saddam's cat http://www.mansized.co.uk/talk/thread.phtml/post192913/#192913 Don?t laugh!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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