joke of the day!!

[batcher]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy

nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the

house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

he husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain

stuff?" "Doesn ' t matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver ' s license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card

with the letters:

' C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. '

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell

you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I ' m so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are

we going to get MORE BUTTER? They ' re going to STICK!

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don ' t forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don ' t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

what it feels like when I ' m driving." 

[britainswomble]

Went out clubbing last week, met this scrummy milf type and took her home to her place. When we got there , she wasted no time getting down to it and then she asked me to do something really dirty-----------

I thought for  a few moments, then i had a great idea----------- so i sh1t in her handbag. ;D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went down the pub a few months ago and met a woman. She looked like she had been "Around" a bit if you know what I mean?

    Anyway we went back to her place, one of those bedsit type places, you know, everything in the same room. We got stripped for action and she said to me "I hope you are going to take precautions" so I did,------, I tied my foot to the sink!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JohnP]

I've "no comment" on this one sent by my sister !

Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that

would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical

types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test

pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ...

and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the

wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot.

The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it.

They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they

tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped

off and the pilot was killed in the crash.

The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about

to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the

reputation of being able to fix all problems.

Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings,

and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has

discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the

wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body.

At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill

holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they

give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day and not only does it

reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and

successful.

All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny

ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the

engineers.

"Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me -

toilet paper never tears on the perforations."

[batcher]

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than

submarines in the sky."

From an old carrier sailor

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have

enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;

If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot

pregnant."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a

person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was

forgotten."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems

inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the

vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just

barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go

near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the

appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is

much

more difficult to fly there."

[JohnP]

thats all quite true Batcher, plus things that aren't important....

Runway behind you and sky above etc !

[MODELFARMER]

I heard ploughs are a good investment,

apparently they have a good annual turnover

[james f]

Apparently a wreath is to be laid in Croke Park tomorrow....

...to commemorate fifteen englishmen slaughtered in battle ;D ;D

[FB]

Apparently a wreath is to be laid in Croke Park tomorrow....

...to commemorate fifteen englishmen slaughtered in battle ;D ;D

: : :....oh deere

[powerrabbit]

Farmer goes to market and buys a replacement bull for his old one.

3 weeks later, comes in to breakfast and says to his missus,

'Hear, that new bull is a cracker, served 68 cows since I bought him'.

Farmers wife.

'Perhaps you ought to watch him, you may learn a bit'.

Farmer to wife.

'Yes, but he don't have to s--g the same old cow all the time does he?

[powerrabbit]

Farmer out rabbiting, Vicar comes along, 'How you doing, caught many?

Farmer. 'Not a damn thing, can't understand it, always plenty of bunnies in this hedge'.

Vicar. 'Perhaps you should take another approach, here, let me try'.

The Vicar looks up and down the hedge, squats down and puts his arm down a rabbit hole, 3 seconds later comes out holding a rabbit. 36 holes later, rabbit every time.

Farmer. 'How on earth did you manage that, flippin marvelous!'

Vicar. 'Well, about an hour before you go rabbiting, when your missus is stood at the sink doing the dishes, go up behind her and touch her up'.

So the next time farmer goes rabbiting he remembers what the Vicar had told him to do and seeing the misses washing-up after breakfast takes the opportunity and strikes.

Farmers missus. (without turning around) 'Hello Vicar, going rabbiting again?'

[batcher]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take

a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make ?20,675 a year and you get the really big bucks (?100.00) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

''Try doing it with the engine running."

[batcher]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!" 

[SIMON.]

A zookeeper says to Paddy " the gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with her . Would you consider doing it for ?500 ? " Paddy replies i will on three condtion's , no1 "i don't kiss her "no 2"my familymust never find out " no 3 " give me a couple of days to get the cash together "

[powerrabbit]

A Zebra was sent to a farm to convalesse after an illness and found things very strange being with other animals that she had never seen before.

The Zebra goes up to the chicken and asks "What are you and what do you do for the farmer"?

The chicken replies, "I am a chicken and I give the farmer eggs for his breakfast and clear up waste grain".

The Zebra then asks the dog the same question and the dog replies, "I guard the farm and help round up the sheep and cattle".

The Zebra thought this was a great place to be so she looked around and saw the bull in his pen and went up to him and asked, "Hello, what are you and what do you do for the farmer?"

The bull replies to her, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you!!"

[batcher]

Many Blonde Jokes

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

A: Because she blows the horn.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A: They both drip when they're f$cked.

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?

A: They deserve them.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?

A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?

A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

A2: I don't know.

A3: Neither did she.

Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day.

A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.

A: Their heels.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?

A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?

A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?

A: Her feet.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?

A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?

A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?

A: From dating blonde men.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?

A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?

A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?

A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A1: Introduces herself.

A2: Walks home.

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?

A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?

A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blondes date?

A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: "Nice ****"

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?

A: To keep her ankles warm.

A2: To keep her neck warm

Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?

A: I don't know I am already gone.

Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?

A: They both have a cockpit

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

A: Way to go team.

Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?

A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?

A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow.

Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?

A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends.

Q: Why are blondes like TVs?

A: Any three year old can turn them on.

Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde?

A: A ****.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?

A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?

A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?

A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?

A: A bus shelter.

Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?

A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?

A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?

A: About 2 cans of hair spray.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?

A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A1: So brunettes can remember them.

A2: Because blondes are so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit.

A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?

A: The Air Pump.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?

A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?

A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?

A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?

A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?

A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?

A: And I thought blondes were dumb.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?

A: Trying to put batteries in it.

Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.

A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."

Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?

A: So she won't sh$t on the street during a parade.

[highlander]

joke of the day

One day in a land far far away......The organs of a guys body had a meeting to decide which one was incharge......Frist the brain said I'm the boss because I control the bodys every move....Then the leggs said so what brain with out me you could not move around at all so I should be in charge........Next the eyes piped up and said well you 2 would be stuffed if it was'nt for me showing you the way to walk so I'm the boss and that's that.....Then the rectum said you lot have got it all wrong,it should be me in charge because I'm the boss of removing the waste.Then all the other organs laughed at the poor old rectum so in a huff he shut down tight and would not work at all.3 days later the brain had a head ace the eyes keep watering and the leggs had a hell of job runing any more so they all gave up and let the rectum be the boss of the poor guys body......

The morel of this story...............You all ways end up working for an arss hole!......

FP Brill joke, just keep them coming!! Highlander.

[Powerstarâ„¢]

Those blonde jokes took ages to read! Some good one's amongst them!

[JohnP]

I've been reminded of some famous double-entendres that have been heard on British TV over the years......

1. Pat  Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from  Bulgaria. I saw  her ****** this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New  ZealandRugbyCommentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes  inside of him.'

3. Ted  Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode  her mother.' 

4. Harry  Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The  wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the  Oxfordcrew.' 

5. USPGA  Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is  that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....  Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6.  Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:  'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A  female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and  didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches  you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half  the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve  Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69  yesterday.' 

9. Clair  Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like  a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike  Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps  on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11.  Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer  for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out  there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his  shorts.' 

12. Ken  Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson  lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,  other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

13. David Coleman, commentating on Cuban 800m runner Albeto Juantarino "he's opened up his legs and shown us his class"

[JohnP]

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was

Having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two

Of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck

Her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers! "pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When  I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her 

finger  with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot?

[batcher]

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes", answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks.

"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.

"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

?Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor" 

[JohnP]

Batcher, that is so bad, it's brilliant !

Here's some more comments from the medical profession...

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments

made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not ***."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

[batcher]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!'' 

[batcher]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The

Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The

Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The

Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last

one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[batcher]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything

quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left ********." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right ******** tied to bedpost."

[FB]

some great jokes here!....all off on trips around the country by email now :D