joke of the day!!

[batcher]

confuesus say...

''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''

''Virginity like bubble. One *****, all gone!''

''Man who run behind car get exhausted''

''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''

''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''

''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''

''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''

''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''

''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''

''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''

''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''

''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''

''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''

''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''

''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''

''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''

''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''

''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''

''Man who sit on tack get point!''

''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''

''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''

''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''

''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''

''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.

''Crowded elevator smells different to midget." 

[james f]

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"

A) A Peanut

An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." 

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

[Barry]

Stupid American......after watching borat the other night, i can well belive that!!!!

[THEBRITFARMER]

One for Pops Beetie & Nick  :D

Retirement Choices - Where To Live

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house

2 The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it

will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in Texas where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Or You can live in Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3 Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[FB]

Stupid American......after watching borat the other night, i can well belive that!!!!

is it on youtube yet

[Lady Ferguson]

Subject: Mexican delicacy

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming

Around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious

looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it

look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that

you just

served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those

are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this

morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one

serving  per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If

you

come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this

delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that

Evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a

Few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the

ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins."

[britainsnut]

How To Shower Like a Woman

       

      Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry

basket according to lights and darks.

   

   

      Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

   

   

      If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.

   

   

      Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make

mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

   

   

      Get in the shower.

   

   

      Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.

   

   

      Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.

       

      Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

   

   

      Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

enhanced.

   

   

      Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.

   

   

      Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa

cake body wash.

   

     

      Rinse conditioner off hair.

   

   

      Shave armpits and legs.

   

   

      Turn off shower.

   

   

      Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

     

   

      Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

   

   

      Get out of shower.

   

   

      Dry with towel the size of a small country.

   

   

      Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

   

   

      Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel

on head.

   

   

      If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.

     

     

      How To Shower Like a Man

   

   

      Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed

and leave them in a pile.

   

      Walk naked to the bathroom.

   

   

    &nbs! p; If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her

making the  'woo-woo' sound.

   

   

      Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

   

   

      Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

   

   

      Get in the shower.

   

   

      Wash your face.

   

   

      Wash your armpits.

     

   

      Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse

them off.

   

   

      Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

   

   

      Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area.

   

   

      Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on

the soap.

   

   

      Wash your hair.

   

   

      Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

   

   

      Wee.

   

   

      Rinse off and get out of shower.

   

   

      Partially dry off.

   

   

      Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was

hanging out of bath the whole time.

   

   

      Admire willy size in mirror again.     

   

      Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and

fan on.

   

   

      Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

   

   

      If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her

and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

   

     

      Throw wet towel on bed. 

   

      I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

[FB]

Englands performance

[BGU]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

     

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here.

Okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him

down to the barn.       

       

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail. She tells him, "This is the one, right here".       

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know  This is the cow to be bred?"

   

"That's simple - - By the nail over its stall."  Amy explained very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"    She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on".

[batcher]

What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter.

A banana peel and a banana are robbing a store.

"Don't worry," says the peel. "I've got you covered!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes." The man said, "No ****!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass. 

[batcher]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, ?I wish that Mr. Bear was ***!? and rode off as fast as he could.

[Graeme]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RISQU?  RIDDLES

>

>Q.  What is the difference  between a drug dealer and a hooker?

>A. A hooker can wash her  crack and sell it again.

>

>Q. What's a mixed feeling?

>A. When you  see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

>

>Q. What's the height of  conceit?

>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own  name.

>

>Q. What's the  definition of macho?

>A. Jogging home from your  vasectomy.

>

>Q. What's  the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

>A. A guy  will actually search for a golf ball

>

>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe  sex?

>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that  kick!

>

>Q.Why is divorce  so expensive?

>A. Because it's worth it!

>

>Q. What is a  Yankee?

>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it  alone.

>

>Q. What do  Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

>A. They both like a  tight seal.

>

>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in  common?

>A. Their balls are just for  decoration.

>

>Q.What is  the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

>A. About  three inches.

>

>Q: What's the difference between purple and  pink?

>A. The grip.

>

>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist  colony?

>A. It's not hard.

>

>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

>A:  Kick his sister in the jaw.

>

>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a  wife?

>A: 45 pounds.

>Q:  What's  the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>A:  45 minutes.

>

>Q: Why do  men find it difficult to make eye contact?

>A: Breasts don't  have eyes.

>

>Q: If the  dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

>A.  The swallow.

>

>Q: What  is the difference between medium and rare?

>A: Six inches is  medium, eight inches is rare.

>

>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the  morning?

>A. They don't have balls to scratch!

>

>OH, don't groan.

>You  know darn well you're going to send this on to  somebody.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MSN Hotmail is evolving - check out the new Windows Live Mail

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG Free Edition.

Version: 7.5.446 / Virus Database: 268.18.24/742 - Release Date: 01/04/2007 20:49

[Kiwi6920]

Whats the diffrence between PMS and CJD (mad cow)?

One affects a mad cow the other affects cloven hoof animals :

[JohnP]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and

pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers

again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting

flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has

expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next

three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

[TS135A DRIVER]

Got this from a mate of mine. Rather good as Iran have just returned the poor hostages they took.  NEWSFLASH !!  15 SAILORS CAPTURED FOR STRAYING INTO IRANIAN WATERS. 14 MEN AND ONE WOMAN !! DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO WORK OUT WHO WAS READING THE MAP. DOES IT   

[farmernick06]

Heard this on QI last night ...

A man is down his plot in the allotment his girlfriend asks why he has L&R on his boots. He explains they are left and right to save time and confusion .... she then says " Oh thats why i have C&A on my knickers "

[batcher]

You know it's time to join the AA when

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night. 

[CCF]

Q: What?s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A: Outlaws are wanted!

----------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon, 3 elderly gents were chatting.  ?Windy isn?t it?? commented one of the men.

"No," said another, "?it?s THURSday!?

"Me too," replied the third, "?let?s get a beer.

[farmernick06]

.... This is the week in which Keith Richards admitted his Dad got up his nose ... 

[batcher]

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That's why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...

[Datman]

I love it batcher!!!

[Datman]

:D

[Kiwi6920]

Ouch

[Kiwi6920]

They sound pretty true to me  :

[THEBRITFARMER]