joke of the day!!

[THEBRITFARMER]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney

Bing sings and Walt disney  :D :D

Another one for our Scottish pals 

[THEBRITFARMER]

Why We Love Children !

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer

evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my

5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a

seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a

note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this

child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter

to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right

now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the

women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,

with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy

watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you

ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,

I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and

down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and

continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I

should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you

please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front

of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was

barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got

back there?"

he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and

then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,

"What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to

elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon

rounds. She was unfailingly intrigue d by the various appliances of old

age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found

her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced

myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and

whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When

she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't

wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives

you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our

minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar

wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small

box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal

of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate

prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought

his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,

and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm

just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't

write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as

he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the

Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf

that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found,"

the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment

in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

[Goodhead]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, here are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.

[britainswomble]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney

Bing sings and Walt disney  :D :D

Another one for our Scottish pals 

Another old Scottish one-----------

Whats the difference between a rich Scottish man, a poor Scottish man,  and a dead Scottish man.

A rich Scottish man has a canopy over his bed,

A poor Scottish man has a can o' pee under his bed

and a dead Scottish man canna pee at all.

[Kiwi6920]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, here are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.

I love that one

[james f]

So do other people it seems, that's at least the third time its been posted in this thread \

[FB]

So do other people it seems, that's at least the third time its been posted in this thread \

i'm sure i've seen it more!....maybe before the thread was started :D

CCF make a list of all jokes please

[JohnP]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask  you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." 

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[batcher]

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying.

If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old

lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.

The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most

Beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too,

disappeared.

The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."

ZAP 

[powerrabbit]

i'm sure i've seen it more!....maybe before the thread was started :D

CCF make a list of all jokes please

Perhaps a suppliment of this should be published at the end of he year!!!!     

[TS135A DRIVER]

Perhaps a suppliment of this should be published at the end of he year!!!!     

Maybe the best jokes could be edited and printed up in a book to raise money for the forum    I was trying to remember the best ones I could the other night at a wedding and some went down a storm.  It could be a pocket sized book for all us older members with bad memories for jokes 

[Deere-est]

I woke on the morning of my birthday looking forward to a big hug, a pressie and a nice breakfast with my wife. I got downstairs and she barely looked at me, let alone wished me a Happy Birthday. Never mind I though,t the kids are sure to remember. . .as they burst in to the kitchen squabbling I finished my spoonful of breakfast and not a word came from their mouths either. .. I left for work slightly downtrodden that a day of happiness seem to have already passed me by.

Jenny at work at least remembered and wished me a happy birthday as I passed by her desk on my way to my office. At one o'clock there was a tap at the door. "Seeing as it's your birthday boss, why don't we pop out for a quick lunchtime bite?" Why not, I thought. Jenny didn't take me to our offices normal lunchtime haunt but instead to a little bistro on the other side of town. We ate, laughed a shared a nice chat over a couple of Martini's before leaving for work again.

"My place is just around the corner boss, it is your birthday after all. Why go back to work?" Damn right I thought, I make the decisions and this one is that it's my birthday and work I won't!! So we went to Jenny's apartment. never been there before, nice place... I must pay her too much!! "I'll just pop into my room a minute boss, slip into something more comfortable."

Blimey!! I thought to myself.

A few moments later Jenny appeared from her bedroom carrying a huuuuuge birthday cake, covered in candles. She was promptly followed by my wife, my kids, other family, friends and colleagues.. .

... . I just sat there. .. on the sofa. ...

Naked. ..  [ [

:D :D

[FW]

I woke on the morning of my birthday looking forward to a big hug, a pressie and a nice breakfast with my wife. I got downstairs and she barely looked at me, let alone wished me a Happy Birthday. Never mind I though,t the kids are sure to remember. . .as they burst in to the kitchen squabbling I finished my spoonful of breakfast and not a word came from their mouths either. .. I left for work slightly downtrodden that a day of happiness seem to have already passed me by.

Jenny at work at least remembered and wished me a happy birthday as I passed by her desk on my way to my office. At one o'clock there was a tap at the door. "Seeing as it's your birthday boss, why don't we pop out for a quick lunchtime bite?" Why not, I thought. Jenny didn't take me to our offices normal lunchtime haunt but instead to a little bistro on the other side of town. We ate, laughed a shared a nice chat over a couple of Martini's before leaving for work again.

"My place is just around the corner boss, it is your birthday after all. Why go back to work?" Damn right I thought, I make the decisions and this one is that it's my birthday and work I won't!! So we went to Jenny's apartment. never been there before, nice place... I must pay her too much!! "I'll just pop into my room a minute boss, slip into something more comfortable."

Blimey!! I thought to myself.

A few moments later Jenny appeared from her bedroom carrying a huuuuuge birthday cake, covered in candles. She was promptly followed by my wife, my kids, other family, friends and colleagues.. .

... . I just sat there. .. on the sofa. ...

Naked. ..  [ [

:D :D

:D

[Kiwi6920]

I woke on the morning of my birthday looking forward to a big hug, a pressie and a nice breakfast with my wife. I got downstairs and she barely looked at me, let alone wished me a Happy Birthday. Never mind I though,t the kids are sure to remember. . .as they burst in to the kitchen squabbling I finished my spoonful of breakfast and not a word came from their mouths either. .. I left for work slightly downtrodden that a day of happiness seem to have already passed me by.

Jenny at work at least remembered and wished me a happy birthday as I passed by her desk on my way to my office. At one o'clock there was a tap at the door. "Seeing as it's your birthday boss, why don't we pop out for a quick lunchtime bite?" Why not, I thought. Jenny didn't take me to our offices normal lunchtime haunt but instead to a little bistro on the other side of town. We ate, laughed a shared a nice chat over a couple of Martini's before leaving for work again.

"My place is just around the corner boss, it is your birthday after all. Why go back to work?" Damn right I thought, I make the decisions and this one is that it's my birthday and work I won't!! So we went to Jenny's apartment. never been there before, nice place... I must pay her too much!! "I'll just pop into my room a minute boss, slip into something more comfortable."

Blimey!! I thought to myself.

A few moments later Jenny appeared from her bedroom carrying a huuuuuge birthday cake, covered in candles. She was promptly followed by my wife, my kids, other family, friends and colleagues.. .

... . I just sat there. .. on the sofa. ...

Naked. ..  [ [

:D :D

Ummm that would be a good way to be greated no one would forget your birthday then

[batcher]

A guy walks into a bar and sets a bag down on the stool next to him. He orders two drinks and when they come, he drinks one and quickly opens the bag, pours the other into the bag then closes it again as quick as he can. He orders two more drinks and repeats the procedure again. After the third round of drinks the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy what he is doing.

"You don't want to know," he says. But the bartender insists on knowing. The guy reaches down and opens the bag. As the bartender leans over to look in the bag a little man about a foot tall jumps out and runs down the bar kicking over drinks and cursing at all the patrons. Running back up the bar he stops and unzips his pants and pees on the bar then jumps off the bar and back into the bag. The bartender demands to know just what the hell that was all about.

"Well," the guy says, "I was in the desert last year and I came across a rattle snake. I was about to kill it when it reared up and started talking to me. It said if I did not kill it it would grant me a wish. Well I thought about it and asked for a 12-inch **** and that's him!" 

[batcher]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to eat..." 

[batcher]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie 

thats the way to do it 

[Graeme]

How good is your poker face?  Hmmmm?

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

 

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and

closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500? "In terror

she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Lady Ferguson]

A young blonde was driving through the Florida

Everglades while on vacation.  She wanted to take home

a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,

but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the

local vendors were asking.  After becoming very

frustrated with the attitude of one of the

shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then,

maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and

get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little

lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to

catch an alligator.  Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving

home, he spotted the same young

woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun

in hand.  Bringing his car to a stop, he saw a huge

twelve-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With

lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the

creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in utter

amazement.  The blonde struggled mightily and managed

to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in

frustration, "OH CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[JohnP]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I Have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5."

The  Arab  shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need

water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.

" OK," said the old Jewish  Man, "it does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you  hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that. If you continue  over that hill to the east for about

two miles, you will find a lovely  restaurant. It has all the ice cold water

you need.

Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later He staggered back.

"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie."

[batcher]

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?

A: "Thanks for the refill!" 

[batcher]

Q: What goes "Marc, Marc"?

A: A dog with a hair lip. 

[batcher]

Alex Ferguson goes on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

He gets to the ?500,000 question and Chris Tarrant asks him 'What animal

lives in a sett? Is it';

A Rabbit

B Cuckoo

C Sheep

D Badger

Fergie thinks for some time and says; 'that's a hard one, I'll have to

go 50:50'. Tarrant instructs the computer and Fergie is left with

B Cuckoo, and

D Badger

Fergie still isn't sure so he tells Chris; 'I' think I'll phone a

friend'. Tarrant is surprised when Fergie nominates the 'boy wonder'

Beckham to take the call.

Beckham answers the phone and is presented with the question and the 2

remaining options by Fergie. Beckham states with assured authority; It's

a badger boss'. Fergie asks if he's sure and gets confirmation from 'the

gifted one'. Fergie gives his reply to Tarrant and walks away with half

a million.

Next day in training Fergie says to Beckham; how come you were so sure

of the answer last night. Beckham said; ' that was easy boss - everyone

knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."' 

[Lord Ferguson]

If these have been on before... then please tell me and I will delete it 

Actual call centre conversations

 

Customer:    "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator:    "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer:    "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator:    "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"

Operator:    "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"

Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator:      " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller:              "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller:              "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller:            "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer:            "OK".

Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer:            "No".

Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:            "No".

Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer:                "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

 

Operator:        "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator:        "What sort of trouble??"

Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator:        "Went away?"

Caller:              "They disappeared."

Operator:        "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:              "Nothing."

Operator:        "Nothing??"

Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator:        "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller:              "How do I tell?"

Operator:        "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator:        "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator:        "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller:              "What's a monitor?"

Operator:        "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller:              "I don't know."

Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller:              "Yes, I think so."

Operator:        "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              "Yes, it is."

Operator:        "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller:              "No."

Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller:              "Okay, here it is."

Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller:              "I can't reach."

Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller:              "No."

Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller:              "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator:          "Dark??"

Caller:              "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:              "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller:              "I can't."

Operator:          "No? Why not??"

Caller:              "Because there's a power failure."

Operator:            "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller:              "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator:          "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator:            "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Lord Ferguson]

Just issued this to my staff... thought I'd check it out with you lot first... I do value your advice... does it seem reasonable to you  - I don't want to appear over-generous 

MEMO : TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Effective June 2007

DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a

Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not

need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,

so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay

raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore

you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you

are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are

called Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-

employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the

employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in

the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch

hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict

three-minutes limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll

will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's

notice board under the "chronic offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's

mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more

so that they will look healthy.

2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced

meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the

time needed to drink a "slim-fast."

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer

of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,

irritations, aggravations,  (revelations)  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,

consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.