joke of the day!!

[Lord Ferguson]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for NewYork, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

[texas]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for NewYork, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

I think Paddy Tonto Papadopoulos is you second name Marky :D

Texas

[Lord Ferguson]

:D - it would be if I was on a plane I reckon Bas  :D

[JC]

:D :D

I'm pinching that for some emails!

[texas]

:D - it would be if I was on a plane I reckon Bas  :D

* :D

Texas

[KIWINZ]

An Ethnic woman goes in to a doctors surgery.

"I have a very painful elbow" she says

"Well can I have a look at your ****** please" replies the doctor.

"No, its my elbow, theres nothing wrong with my ******" she pleads

"I still need to see your ******" says the doctor

"ok, but im unsure why" the lady says.

"well" starts the doctor.

"i've just bought a brown sofa, and would like to see what it would look like with pink cushions"

----------------------------------------

Delete if nesassary 

;D :D ;D :D

[NIGEL FORD]

Heard a similar one earlier - Jeremey Beadle passed away today, his GP said it was pneumonia. his family believe he was just dealt a bad hand!!

Boom-tush!!

apparently after the funeral,friends and family are being invited back to the family home for a finger buffet.

[SPN]

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Oh Deere! 

The secret is out! 

[Lord Ferguson]

Yeah.... its a joke Stan... it Ironic you see... thats what makes it funny 

[batcher]

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." 

[fendt-man-matty]

:D love it stevo

[KIWINZ]

:D love it stevo

ill second that!!! ;) ;D

[SPN]

Yeah.... its a joke Stan... it Ironic you see... thats what makes it funny 

You keep telling yourself that Mark 

[Lord Ferguson]

I will Stanley... I will...

Anyway.... this is a cracker...

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they

find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights

out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the

wife figures out a solution.

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at

night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left

breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast

two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if

she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one

time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty

times.

[Lord Ferguson]

Can't you tell I'm bored today...  :D

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually

attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the

gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a

nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not

looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The

waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your

garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in

return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed

him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I

have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in

my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a

10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars

in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful

as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

[james f]

A man met a beautiful woman and decided he wanted to marry her straight away. "But we don't know anything about each other" she said. He said that was okay, they would learn about each other as they went along. so she agreed and they were married and they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lazing aroung the pool, when he got up, climbed the 10m board and did a perfect 2 and half tucks, follwoed by 3 rotations in jack knife position, straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstations he came back and laid down on the towel.

"That was incredible" she said. to which he replied "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about 30 laps she climbed out, and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. "That was incredible!" the man said "Don't tell me. You were an Olympic distance swimmer" "No" she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".

[Gav836]

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Retard

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Retard

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now say the word COW before and after each word.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4 - Retard

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows

2 - About

3 - Talking

4- Retard

5 - This

6 - Got

7 - I

8 - Long

9 - How

10 - Look

Gotcha!!! ;D ;D

[batcher]

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?

She wanted to get a dark tan.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?

"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?

She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?

She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?

To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?

So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do blondes like lightning?

They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

From eating with forks.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

Branch manager.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."

[FB]

Seen this before?? ??? \

for some of our South West members! :D :

You live in Dorset when...

..... You can tell sheep from goats

..... You think Bristol is 'up north'

..... The smell of cow sh*t makes you feel at home

..... Everywhere else in the UK feels cold

..... You learnt to drive in a field or on a beach

..... You know Tesco's don't make meat, eggs, milk etc.

..... When the sun goes down it gets dark

..... Your local newspaper's headline is 'cow falls off bridge'

..... Your 4x4 has mud on it and it doesn't do the school run

..... You get excited/worried if you ever go on a motorway

..... Your friends say you sound like a farmer

..... You have nothing to do after 5:30pm

..... You think pink wellies are a fashion statement

..... You know how to walk over a cattle grid

..... You think nothing of grass growing in the middle of the road

..... You know all your neighbours

..... Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you think a young farmers' disco is a wild night out

..... Until you went on holiday, the tallest building you had ever seen was Debenhams in Taunton

..... You drink real ale

..... You went to London............ Once...........

..... It takes you 4 times longer to drive anywhere between May and September

..... You're a closet fan of The Wurzels

..... Your second cousin is also your sister's stepmother

..... Your neighbours' average age is 76

..... You can buy most of your wardrobe at Mole Valley Farmers

..... Your best friend goes joyriding in tractors

..... You can't stand the tourists, despite living off their money

..... You thought it was normal for more than 50% of your high street's shops to be operated by charities

..... Biggest story on the local TV news is a cat locked in a shed for 2 days

..... Second biggest story, man fell off his bike in Glastonbury

..... You take a torch to the pub

..... Your entire phone number used to have 3 digits, it now has 6!

..... You suffer from advanced lead poisoning from eating blackberries from hedgerows throughout the 80s.

..... Your car has mud and straw in the boot

..... You know mud is supposed to be reddish

..... Thankfully, your accent mysteriously broadens as you enter country pubs

..... You sneeze and the whole town gets a cold

..... You called shoes for PE at school, daps

[james f]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouser - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously *** man walks in and sits beside him. 

After 3 or 4 beers, the *** fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. 

Leaning over, he cups the huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers. 

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. 

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to you?" 

"I'm not sure" the big Scouser replies. "Something about a job."

[milo]

Seen this before?? ??? \

for some of our South West members! :D :

You live in Dorset when...

i got that in an email but it said Somerset not dorset  :o

[FB]

i got that in an email but it said Somerset not dorset  :o

mine said Dorset! :D

guess people have been changing it! :D

[batcher]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide."

"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms 

[robbo]

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?

Far-from-thinkin.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

What do you give the blonde who has everything?

Penicillin.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

It finally dawned on her.

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?

They have to pull their own pants down.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?

From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

[batcher]

The Perks of Being Over 40...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list