joke of the day!!

[Leakeyvale]

That doesn't ring true

a) tortoises are not patient animals

they wouldn't need a bottle opener - their mouths are BEAKS and opening a bottle would be a simple task.

Who says I don't have a sense of humour - I am a tortoise owner of many years standing..

.. too many years..

Ever been bitten by a tortoise?  It HURRRRRRTTTTTTS - what is worse is trying to make it let go.

[james f]

OK someone take the jug of cold water away from Leakyvale :'( :'( :D

[batcher]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking

parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank ~~~ our prayers have been answered!' 

[robbo]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

                      A  little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

                      Every day they would sit  together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both

                      brought chicken  sandwiches every day!  This went on all through the fourth and fifth

                      grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken  sandwich.

                      He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating  chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

                      She said ' I love it but I have to stop eating  it.'

                      'Why?' he  asked.

                      She  pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers  down there!'

                      'Let me see' he said.

                      'Okay' and she pulled up her  skirt.

                      He looked and said, 'That's right. You are!  Better not eat any more chicken.'

                      He kept eating his chicken  sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.  He said

                      to the little girl, 'I  have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers

                      down there too!'  She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

                      She said  'Oh,  my God,  it's too late for you!

                      You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[BERRY]

god said to jonah come fourth and have eternal life,

jonah came fifth and won a toaster

[milo]

There was a huge earthquake in Pakistan which nearly wiped out the whole population..

A call for aid was sent...

so New Zealand sent seeds for crops

America sent troops

Russia sent oil and fuels

and Great Britain ... not to be out done.... sent 2 million paki's!!!

[Simon]

Not sure if this one's been up before, came today....

THE PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'

[powerrabbit]

Fred the farmer spots his very elderly almost bent double neighbour farmer George walking down the road with his trusty walking stick and says "Where you off to then George?" "Off to see the doctor" says George.  2 hours later Fred spots George coming back up the road walking almost upright and says to him "Wow George, your doctor must be a mirracle worker to have you walking almost up straight again, how's he done it?"  "Simple really" says george, "He gave me a longer walking stick!"

[Murray]

i had a wooden car with wooden wheels wooden doors and a wooden engine but it wooden go

so i put steal wheels on it steal doors and a steal engine but i steal wooden go  :D :D :D

[BC]

Cowboy Whisperer :

    A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills .

    Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

    Indian: "Dog no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Indian: (Look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

    Dog: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and

takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

    ! Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Indian: "Horse no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the

Indian)

    Horse: "Yep."

    Cowboy: " How's he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me , brushes me

down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

    Indian: (Look ! of tota l amazement)

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk ! to your sheep?"

    Indian: "Sheep lie."

[BERRY]

delete if inappropriate

why are there no casinos in china 

because they dont like "t' bet"a

[robbo]

Manure... An interesting fact

            Manure:  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

            It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

            Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

            Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

            After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

            Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

            You probably did not know the true history of this word.

            Neither did I.

            I had always thought it was a golf term.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Leakeyvale]

Manure etc

Think this is less of a joke and more of a "Learn Something New Every Day"

Well I never, absolutely fascinating and of similar origin to "Brass Monkeys"

[batcher]

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." 

[james f]

Manure etc

Think this is less of a joke and more of a "Learn Something New Every Day"

Well I never, absolutely fascinating and of similar origin to "Brass Monkeys"

I'd say that story is a heap of manure Sue :

[Leakeyvale]

I'd say that story is a heap of manure Sue :

Everyone is entitled to an opinion  

Life is sometimes stranger than fiction!

[robbo]

Everyone is entitled to an opinion  

Life is sometimes stranger than fiction!

I got sent it in an email, I make no claims for its veracity but being a golfer it made me laugh

robbo

[Kris]

I'd say that story is a heap of manure Sue :

TYpoe in definition of S**T and it will come up with the same story. Its true

[farmernick06]

If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

a) You need more time together

  She's a prude

c) She should of sat elsewhere on the bus

[farmernick06]

I like Korean food, it's the dogs bullocks 

[Lady Ferguson]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this ....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement - 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized'.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS.

[robbo]

The year 2222

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.  Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.  Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. 

''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."

''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good.  How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache.  She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

[luke p]

this mit be rude

Waiting Room

 

The Waiting Room*

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why

you are there, and you have to answer in front of otherswhat's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists youtell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other

patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way

this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and

approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Canyou please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my ****,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't

come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some

embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have

said there is something wrong with your ear or something and

discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a

room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

' There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he

had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose

[robl12]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race

has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word

would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.. (This one

is very important)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging

from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

built the Ark . A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as

grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until

they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with

[batcher]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.