Kris Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 What did pinnochios wife sing as she sat on his face??? 'Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 The Chinese Olymic Comitee have advised their counterparts in London to use plenty of lighting in the stadiums and such like. The advice comes after officials noticed 95% of the crowd at Bejing were squinting. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Sent to me by my sister and I am sure some on here may be able to sympathise with it ;D ;D Best Menopause Question Ever Q: How many women experiencing MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They Don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.� Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.� Arlene: Where did you get it?� Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.� The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.� The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.� "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and Started studying. Books and papers were spread Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back Hitting the books as hard as before. This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother Tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his Room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no Longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and Shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryMC Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.� Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.� Arlene: Where did you get it?� Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.� The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.� The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.� "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. love it that got me chuckling :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murray Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 might get myself in to a right fight for this one how do you get 6 celtic fans in a 5 seater car, 3 in the back 2 in the front and tommy burns in the ash tray \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CX820Joe Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 (This is rather out of date now) Juande Ramos is at White Hart Lane inspecting the pitch, and the groundsman comes over to him. "Well," says Ramos, "I have to say you've got the pitch looking fantastic this season, really lush." Groundsman responds: "Thats because you put £17 million worth of sh1t on it every week!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ма��u$*2k9*kid Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 there was 3 women in an airport and 3 men the 1st man said have you seen my wife the 2nd man had said have you seen my the 3rd man said no what does she look like then thew 2nd man said blonde hair, boob tube, big boobs skinny and has make up on then the 1st man said no that's my wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Why is Eyore a dirty donkey? Because he likes playing with Pooh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 **********Breaking News********** Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been placed on the Sachs Offenders Register ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted November 8, 2008 Share Posted November 8, 2008 This is a serious subject and should not be taken lightly. Colonoscopy This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment ; for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinaril y I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, ;and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and th e next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not ***.' And the best one of all. 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashmach Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Fintan won't like this but anyway: What is the difference between a minibus and Joe Canning? A minibus carrys 8 people, Joe Canning carrys 14! :D (Irish hurling Joke) :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ма��u$*2k9*kid Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 what do you call a pig with shooting webs :D spider pig you would probably think it is rubbish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 One for the ladies!! For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!! My favorite is number 11!!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Very fun, Kev... but cos I'm madly in love I don't believe any of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denis086 Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Why some men have dogs and not wives!!!!!!! 1. the later you are the moree excited your dog is to see you. 2.dogs dont care if you call them by other dog name. 3.a dog likes it if you leave lots of things on the floor. 4.a dogs parents never visit. 5.you never have to wait for a dog;theyre ready 24hrs a day. 6.dogs find you amusing when your drunk. 7.dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8.a dog will not wake up in the middle of the night to ask,'if i died would you get another dog?' 9.if a dog has babies you can put an ad in the paper and give them away 10.a dog will let you put a studded collar around its neck and not call you a pervert. 11.if a dog smells another dog on you,they dont get mad, they dont get mad they just find it interesting. 12.dogs like a ride in the back of a pickup. 13.if a dog leaves it doesnt take half your stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanNI Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I liked that one lad Edited for: TEXT TALK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coxy Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 A Kerry man joke for the irish lads, how do you make a kerry man laugh on a monday morning? Tell them the joke on friday evening :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 Dear Friends I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing Also, I now have to wipe the top of every soft drink can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Regards, Your friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshman Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 :D Brillant one robbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murray Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 man walks into a bar and spys a lovely las he walks up tho her and says 'your stunning what your name' 'carmen' 'what a lovely name he says how did you get that' 'i am named after the two thing i love cars and men, so what your name then' he replies 'BJ **** AND BEER' :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ма��u$*2k9*kid Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 what does PBC stand for portable bouncy castle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Pete r how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murray Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 what did barack obama say when he got asked what his he going to do with defence 'paint it the same colour as da house' :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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