BGU Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. 5th Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' 4th Place A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.' 3rd Place The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 2nd Place A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!' SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 'WINNER' A teacher at a police training college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Classic there kev, That boy racer one is ace :D might try that next time.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Now... sit down children... Uncle Marky wants to read you a Christmas Story... A Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshman Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I take it your not as busy today then Marky : Good one :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I take it your not as busy today then Marky : Good one :D Not really Addy.... I've got my over-active 'can't be assed gland' again today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Not really Addy.... I've got my over-active 'can't be assed gland' again today Go take mavis for a spin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Ohh that is ace, but whats the story of you been up the tree mark... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Ohh that is ace, but whats the story of you been up the tree mark... Shhhh... that was a secret Nick... until it comes out in the court case that is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhysmassey135 Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Had a joke text this morning - 40 jippos arrive at heavens gates. St peter says, we've only got room for 12 of you so decide amosngt yourselves whos coming in. 5 minutes later St peter says to God, they've gone. God says what, all 40? St peter says no, the f***ing gates! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Just click the link, make sure you go for a pee before hand tho http://ac1.streaming.net.nz/trn/hauraki/copymachine.wmv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Seasonal silliness... or phrases that you can only say at Christmas! 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I fancy a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! and finally- 21. I do like a good stuffing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robl12 Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Very good marky just laugh out load in the office and everyone is wondering what I am laughing at. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Very good marky just laugh out load in the office and everyone is wondering what I am laughing at. :D - some of them made me giggle like a girl too... damn funny though hey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robl12 Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Yes they are very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....' ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshman Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Brillant one Marky, very Rude, now whats it worth no to tell Miss :D Keys to Frankie :D Very funny robbo mate :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 this ones of a christmas card my sis gave my bro its not a joke but its funny the 4 steps of christmas 1 you believe in santa 2 you dont believe in santa 3 you are santa 4 you look like santa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 A freind of mine told me when we were discussing village life and the people in them that where he originally came from there were a lot of Bakers. Aparrently they were all in bread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 A freind of mine told me when we were discussing village life and the people in them that where he originally came from there were a lot of Bakers. Aparrently they were all in bread. And Masters of the art no doubt :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshman Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Umm robbo Cheak a few pages back Now... sit down children... Uncle Marky wants to read you a Christmas Story... A Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by ) ( Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_££_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 :D - that's brilliant.... from now on.. I will replace Pwwwtthhh with this... (_!_) :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ма��u$*2k9*kid Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 (@ @) ....... a cross look (@ @) . @ . . . . . a smiley look what do you get if you cross santa and milk and cookies cookie monster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Wasn't sure whether to put this under links or jokes. A dating service for those of "limited stature" * * * * * http://www.legofriendfinder.com/ Go on Tris, you know you want to ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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