joke of the day!!

[JohnP]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea

stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on

to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[robbo]

Anyone    who has ever dressed a child will love this  one!) 

Did you hear about    the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie    boot's" in the bad weather,

He asked for help and she could see why.. 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't  want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up  a sweat. 

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the  wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier  pulling  the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them  on.

She managed to keep  her cool as together  they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on,  this time on  the right feet..

He then  announced, "These aren't my  Wellies."

She bit  her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say  so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the    ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little  feet.

No sooner had they gotten  the  "Wellie's" off when he said,

"They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me  wear 'them.' 

]Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But,  she mustered up what grace and  courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's"  on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat,  she asked, "Now, where  are your  gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my  Wellie's".

She will be  eligible for parole in three    years!

[BC]

Well once I posted I read my post looked back and all the ""rubbish" was gone and I thought my machine so then I deleted my post. Odd that your post does not show as being modified at end though

[JohnP]

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.

The Clerk pulled up the file and read:

"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping the them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..." 

[harvey123]

when travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you should carry a shovel, flask, wellies, rock salt, hi-viz jacket & a blanket

i looked i right nob-head on the bus today

[robbo]

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

    Government Advice:  the Union of shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided; therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory

[robbo]

Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

    Government Advice : A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. 

[robbo]

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

      Government Advice : Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. 

[robbo]

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    Government Advice:  The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. 

[robbo]

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

    Government Advice :  Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves. 

[robbo]

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

    Government Advice: You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

[AlexMF]

Arguing over the internet is a bit like racing in an Impreza; even if you win you're still a ****!

[harvey123]

Paddy asks Murpy how to spell Orange,

Murphy thinks about it  ..........

then replys do you mean the fruit or the colour ?

[harvey123]

one morning a pupil in a school draws a penis on a teachers black board, as the teacher walks in she see's it and rubs it off so the following morning the student did it again but bigger so the teacher rubs it off again,

then the next morning the student does it again and even bigger this time, he also leaves a note saying the more you rub it the bigger it gets

[robbo]

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3.. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken from police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor today?" 

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs, and step in cow Poo."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through the computer."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Police Minister is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

[AlexMF]

absolutely brilliant !

[david_scrivener]

I hope my arthritis doesn't get too bad this winter.......

........fingers crossed.

____________________________________________

My grandad has the heart of a lion..........

..........and a lifetime ban from Whipsnade Zoo.

[JohnP]

Husband says to wife, "I've bought some Olympic c0nd0ms from that new shop down the street...

... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change." 

[david_scrivener]

I just noticed that someone had sprayed a picture of a black horse on the side of a local building.

I think it's Lloyds Banksey.

______________________________________________________________________________

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection...."

But she did.

______________________________________________________________________________

Just heard that the government is planning to sell off our public forests.

Where am I going to bury the bodies now?

[JohnP]

I'm sure I've posted this before, but its a topical one for our livestock farmers.....

  [table][tr][td]           

  [table]  [tr][td]      A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows

frozen solid.

 

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

 

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like

this would happen.

 

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

 

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would

he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

 

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his

impending poverty.

 

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the

old lady.

 

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament

to the woman.

 

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows

noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to

normal and chewing the cud.

 

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was

full of healthy animals.

 

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a

repayment for her deed.

 

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

 

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

 

"No" said the farmer "who?"*

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it's worth it.....trust me

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"That was Thora Hird."[/t][/t][/t][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]

[david_scrivener]

No date this valentines day? Try this agency 

http://stuffucanuse.com/shockwave/taliban_singles.htm

[griffithsbros]

There’s been a big fight in the biscuit tin.  A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Marlyand, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut, and two accomplices, one known as Gary Baldi, the other known only to the Police as Rich T. Unfortunately they don’t have a Crumb of evidence. So the Jammy Dodger might get away with it.

[david_scrivener]

My wife asked me to name all the women I'd ever slept with. So I started with when I lost my virginity, and eventually I said her name...

.........I probably should have stopped there.

[Tommy Gough]

I got a text from a friend the other day. He told me not to worry but he was in A&E. I sent a message back asking what he had done. He told me that the new Dyson ball cleaner isnt what he thought it was.

[robbo]

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive..............His wife stands on it and won't let us out ;D ;D ;D