Lord Ferguson Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 The centipede A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything, damn it!" The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie, the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you." The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything ...I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do everything." He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says, "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please." The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie. The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no Charlie! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ihatepoundland Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 What Bees make milk? Boobies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 What tractor can you hire but never buy? A conTRACTOR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest massey6290 Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 whats biggest tractor u can get wait for it..... massive ferguson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steiger fan Posted December 23, 2005 Share Posted December 23, 2005 Nothing kills a deere like a magnum Nothing like a deere with the runs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest massey6290 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 m a s s e y a l l w a y get that and n h Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fendt pwr Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 I don't have an attitude problem.....You have a perception problem! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 Were's my mate?..................... :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 two nuns are sitting in the bath . One says ,"where's the soap?" the other nun replies "yes ,it does doesn't it " :D :D four nuns die in an accident & at the pearly gates ST Peter says to them : "to enter heaven you must be completely pure, so if you have any thing to confess you must then use holy water to redeem tour sins " 1st nun once saw a mans privates , so she washed her eyes out from the bowl of holy water 2nd nun onced touched a mans privates ,so she washed her hands in the bowl of holy water the 3rd & 4th nun started to fight & st Peter asked them why, the 4th nun replied , " if i got to gargle with that then i want to get there before sister margret sticks her arse in it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 two nuns are sitting in the bath . One says ,"where's the soap?" the other nun replies "yes ,it does doesn't it " :D :D four nuns die in an accident & at the pearly gates ST Peter? says to them : "to enter heaven you must be completely pure, so if you have any thing to confess you must then use holy water to redeem tour sins " 1st nun once saw a mans privates , so she washed her eyes out from the bowl of holy water 2nd nun onced touched a mans privates ,so she washed her hands in the bowl of holy water the 3rd & 4th nun started to fight & st Peter asked them why, the 4th nun replied , " if i got to gargle with that then i want to get there before sister margret sticks her ass in it" That second ones a Jethro joke :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 you cant beat a bit of Jethro! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 A young chap called Keith went down to Brighton, when he got there he saw a large sign saying "Beware Of Homosexuals" he thought nothing of it, walked down the street a bit further and saw another sign "Beware Of Homosexuals" he thought to himself i'm getting a bit worried now, i'm going to go for a quick piddle then leave this place, he goes in to the local toilets and reverses in to be on the safe side, when he finished, he goes to wash his hands and notices something scribbled on the skirting board, he bends down to have a look and it says "You have been warned twice" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 :D :D keep em coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 I was round my mate Dennis's and I knew it was bloody late and I didn't have a watch on me and Dennis didn't have a clock, I said "Look Dennis, if i'm home late again the missus will kill me I need to know the time" " No worries" he said. He pulled out a bloody big gong about 2ft across and got this wooden rolling pin and give this gong one hell of a smack, then he opened the window, and a woman across the street shouted "DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT AT TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 :D :D you watching him on DVD ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 No got all his DVD's and VHS's though I just remember them all! You havn't seen Denzil have you? He said if he's here first he'll put a stone on the wall, and if i'm he first I have to take it down :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 That second ones a Jethro joke? :D is it ? A couplele meet in a bar & end up back at his place ."you don't talk much do you ?" she says as he's undressing,"no"he says , "i do my talking with this" he says pointing at his bits. She said "Sorry but i don't do small talk !" A man walks into a pub & see'e a sign - WIN FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE- so he asks the barman how. " well", says the barman" you have to pass three challenges". "first you have to drink 2 bottles of tequila , Next the landlords pit bull terrier has tooth ache & needs the tooth removed , lastly the landlords wife has never had an orgasm , do all this & you get your drinks free for life". The man says "ok" & downs 2 bottles of tequila, he then staggers out to the dog out the back, there's a terrible noise of growling & snarling & eventually the man staggers back into the bar all clawed & scratched but still grinning, "Right thats the first two" says the man ,"Now where's the lady with the tooth ache ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 A man was in a bar when I stunning woman walked in, she sat down next to him and sneezed. Her glass eye came flying out and the man caught it, " Oh thank you so much" the woman said, you saved me loads of embarrasment! " No problem" replied the man " How about I buy you a drink, then something to eat, and you can come back to mine for the night" she said " oh yes please I would enjoy that, do you treat every man like this?" he said she replies " no not atall you just managed to catch my eye!!"? :D A one eyed man applied for a job as a lolly pop man but he was turned down, mean buggers they could of put him on a one way street? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 :D :D What do you call a one eyed dinosaur ??? ...do ya think he saraus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 25, 2005 Share Posted December 25, 2005 What's the difference between a Lighthouse Keeper, A Watch Burgular and a pot of glue? One keeps watch, the other watch keeps, and the pot of glue? Ah now your stuck :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Last weekend we was blessed with the presence of David & Victoria Becham here in Devon, It was soo nice to see them, I was so pleased to meet them, couldn't believe they would come to Devon. Anyway there was a horse near by and David started stroking the horse, I said to Victoria he seems good with horses the way he's stroking it, she said "well i didn't know he was good with horses" Anyway David jumped on the horse and started to trot, I said " he's bloody good with a horse, he's riding it perfectly" Victoria said " Well he's my husband, I didn't know he was this good either!" Then he started to canter, Well he was doing very good, Victoria was proud of him. Then he moved on to a gallop, but this is where he got in the crap... He slid off the saddle see, and was holding on by the neck of the horse, and this horse was bloody flying, well then the dosy bugger let go of the horses neck and was dragging along the floor with his foot stcuk in the stirrup Well Victoria she panicked see and shouted "HELP!!" Well the security guard came out of tescos and switched the horse off! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 I'm still laughing :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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