joke of the day!!

[CJ]

Q whats worse than a bull in a china shop

A- a PORCUPINE in a condom factory   

[batcher]

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice 

[MODELFARMER]

where do you get em i'llnever know

  :D

[Graeme]

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women

differ so  much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and

Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head

and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I

don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough

for  me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me

for  who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to

sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

with  her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a

big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while

she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't

decide which one  to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She

wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each

outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair

of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was  testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even  know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I

think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for

me  to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I

added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the

things I  buy  you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that

*****  knows I'm smarter than her.

[MODELFARMER]

Fudging mint mint i say mint

[BGU]

Roobie William, Elton John and Kylie were walking down the road when Kylie trips and gets her head stuck in some railings.

Robbie Williams can't turn down the opertunity so he lifts up her skirt, rips of her knickers and makes love to her.

When he's finished he turns to Elton and says "Your turn Elton"

He see Elton start to cry and asks why.

Elton replies "I'm never going to get my head through those railings!

[FB]

Roobie William, Elton John and Kylie were walking down the road when Kylie trips and gets her head stuck in some railings.

Robbie Williams can't turn down the opertunity so he lifts up her skirt, rips of her knickers and makes love to her.

When he's finished he turns to Elton and says "Your turn Elton"

He see Elton start to cry and asks why.

Elton replies "I'm never going to get my head through those railings!

:D :D

[batcher]

A very self-important university freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world. Actually, an almost primitive one," the student said loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them! Now, tell me, what are you doing for the next generation"?

[batcher]

For those who like a beer

our Lager

which Art In Barrels

hallowed Be Thy Drink

thy Will Be Drunk

i Will Be Drunk

at Home As In The Tavern

give Us This Day Our Foamy Head

and Forgives Us Our Spillages

as We Forgive Those Who Spill Against Us

and Lead Us Not To Incarceration

but Deliver Us From Hangovers

for Thine Is The Beer

the Bitter And The Lager

forever And Ever

barmen

[Fendt Fahrer]

Q: How do you turn a fox in to an elephant?

A: You get married to her!

[batcher]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following

characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to

pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and

reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply

accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut

down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times

as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by

a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to

let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed

hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all

over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF. 

[batcher]

Taking a woman to bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? 

[JohnP]

NO TOILET PAPER :

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to

the bath- room.

She said yes.

When he went to wipe his behind there was no

toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked,

"What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open

my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and

the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if

I open my hands he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your

hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now

look what you did, you scared the **** out of him!"

[batcher]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much

luck until, one

day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on

it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it

is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolutely MINT condition. He

immediately buys it, and

asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition

for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,

"whenever the bike

is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the

chrome. It protects

it from the rain" and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to

meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before

they enter the

house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you

something about my

family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't

talk. In fact,

the first person who says anything during dinner has to

do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked.

Right smack in

the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty

dishes. In the

kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on

the stairs, in the

corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a

word. As dinner

progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

situation. So he leans

over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he

reaches over

and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So

he stands up, grabs her,

rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and

screws her right there,

in front of her Parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is

obviously livid, and her Mum horrified

when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He

looks at her Mum.

"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the

Mum,

bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with

her every which

way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend

is furious and her

Dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it

starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline

from his pocket.

Suddenly the Dad backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right! That's enough. I'll do the F***ING dishes 

[batcher]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[MODELFARMER]

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/

[FB]

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/

cheers Ricky :D :D

[Powerstarâ„¢]

:D :D

Damn, caught me out there!

[batcher]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.? 

[Lady Ferguson]

Dave was In Trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

very upset and really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway

that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds.... AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway....but only a small one.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom

scale.

Dave has been missing since Friday.

[batcher]

"Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!"

"Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must."

"Feel the force!"

"Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things."

"Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!"

"Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!"

"Happens to every guy sometimes, this does."

"When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

"Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!"

"Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!"

[Lady Ferguson]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a

problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one

thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two

male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage

with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and

worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that awful

phrase in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As

he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their

cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and

placed her parrots in with them.....

After! a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're

hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

Then clearly shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male

parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

[Gav836]

:D :D :D :D :D Very good

[FB]

indeed, had to again send that off in an email!  :D

[JC]