Jump to content

joke of the day!!

Guest Fendt pwr

Recommended Posts

FB

FB

Posted
Posted

Be glad you know now, and you are just married. It cost my 7 years to find this out ;D ;D

Texas

dont worry, i'll never win an arguement, we are not supposed oo  :( :( :( :'( :'(

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Replies 2.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Udimore

Udimore

Posted
Posted

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer

from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop  sign."

>London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License

and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,

that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between

slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and

you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the  ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the F**K out

of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Kiwi6920

Kiwi6920

Posted
Posted

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer

from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop  sign."

>London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License

and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,

that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between

slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and

you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the  ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the F**K out

of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

I can picture a cop doing that to

Link to comment
Share on other sites
JohnP

JohnP

Posted
Posted

Farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's

fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the

lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded

my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer

the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was

driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to

establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the

Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks

after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a

fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and

said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his

favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had

just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving

her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop

sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one

ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and

didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was

in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a

Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and

groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her

fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at

me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what would you say?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Lady Ferguson

Lady Ferguson

Posted
Posted

For those Fans of double entrendre:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half  an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened  to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he  said, "I've come to..."

"Oh,  no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting  you."

"Have  you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well  that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After  a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave  everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and  perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.  You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well,  Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My,  that's a lot!",  gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am,  in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out  in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't  I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby  pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith  exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And  these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother  was so difficult to work with."

"She  was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes,  I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done  right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four  and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes",  the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother  was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and  when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the>squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs.  Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's  true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can  get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh  yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big  to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs.  Smith fainted

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Graeme

Graeme

Posted
Posted

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son

playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying

"All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is

the  last stop!

And all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're ass in the train

cause we're going down the tracks."

The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said

"we don't use that kind of  language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO  HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want  you to use

nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his

train.

Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you.  We thank you for travelling with us today &

hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears  the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand

luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We

hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please

direct your complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Graeme

Graeme

Posted
Posted

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

her and said, "I'll give you a ?100 if you let me

screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on

the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have

to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for ?200, pick up the

money very fast, he won't even be able to get his

pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal

in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting

screwed!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
JohnP

JohnP

Posted
Posted

Montana Circle Flies

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general

began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel

uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing

that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what

they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're

called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the

back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh", and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a

minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "No, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement and

police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the

ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
pj witch

pj witch

Posted
Posted

Two men are out drinking one night. one moans to his mate: whenever i go home after the pub i turn the headlights off before i get to the drive and coast into the garage. i take my shoes off before i get indoors, sneakupstairs and get undressed in the bathroom i ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late. Your obviously taking the wrong approach his mate replies i screech into the driveway slam the door,stormup the stairs,throw my shoes in the warbrobe,jump into bed,rub my hands on my wifes backside and ask"How about a bit of nookie?"...and shes always sound asleep.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
NIGEL FORD

NIGEL FORD

Posted
Posted

A bloke staggered into the hospital emergency unit battered and bruised with a five iron wrapped round his neck.

"what happened to you Sir?" asked the nurse on duty.

  "Well I was playing golf with the wife and we both hit stray balls into the neighbouring farmers field full of cows, so we climbed over the fence to look for them and all of a sudden I noticed one wedged in a cows fanny and I said to the wife "This looks like yours, dear".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.