Lady Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 What d'you call a man with a pile of hay on his head ....... Rick PS (Very sorry Pops *) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 the local farmers son got his exams resaults today 5 hay levels and 4 hoe levels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 the local farmers son got his exams resaults today 5 hay levels and 4 hoe levels Just fab * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 a farmer went to the doctors "doctor doctor a cow kicked me between the legs today" so the doctor takes a look and replies "you have a couple of acres there" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy? "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Sheilagh O'Brien?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. " "Was it Kathleen Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Grogan, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, " What'd you get?" " Three month's holiday and five bloody good leads!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 What is a Mistress? Something between Mister and Matress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 What do you call a goat in denims? Billy Jean What do you call a goat on a ship? Billy Ocean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 What do you call a deaf elephant? Anything you like, 'cos the bu**er wo'nt hear you. What do you call a dog with a fencing stake up his backside? Spike. Man goes to doctor. "Doctor, everywhere I go I hear music, how can I make it stop?" Doctor to man. "Take the band off your hat" Man goes to doctor. "Doctor, me and the missus already got 10 kids, don't want any more, what do you suggest?" Doctor to man. "Take this pack of rubber things and read the instructions carefully". Man goes back to doctor 3 months later. "Doctor, can't understand it, missus is expecting again". Doctor to man. "Did you follow the instructions?" Man to toctor. "Yes, instructions said 'stretch over the organ' but we aint got an organ so I stretched them over the piano" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pudding Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 The newspaper, "The Australian", over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn. This was the winner: Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?" Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie." Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?" Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. I received this in an email today, what made it more amusing is the fact my dad used the same script a few years ago in canvassing leaflets when he had a lot of involvement with a certain "Anti Europe" political group! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 :D :D 'kopid' and sent'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 zat's bril Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Thats brilliant.. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 The following questions were set in last years GCSE examinations in Swindon These are genuine responses from 16 year olds Geography Q: Name the four seasons? A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard and Vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink? A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What causes the tides in the Oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Sociology Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts ? the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O, U, and I. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does ?varicose? mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term ?Caesarean Section?? A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman Emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. English Q: Use the word ?judicious? in a sentence to show you understand its meaning? A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word ?benign? mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Technology Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Women are like the 5 Continents. Between 14 and 18 they are like South America. Partly virgin, partly explored. Between 18 and 24 they are like North America. Highly developed with large buit-up areas. Between 24 and 34 they are like Asia. Hot, sultry and myserious. Between 34 and 54 they are like Austalasia. Highly sophisticated and always seeking new methods. Between 54 and 74 they are like the Antarctic. Everybody knows where it is but no-one wants to go there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Large Russian man. Ivor Biggun. Rubbish Russian goalkeeper. Backof Thenetski. Russian sex maniac. Boris Riperknickersoff. Japanese 'call' girl. Li Bak Lo. Before I post any more of this nature, is it ok with everyone for Scottish, Irish and Welsh jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Large Russian man. Ivor Biggun. Rubbish Russian goalkeeper. Backof Thenetski. Russian sex maniac. Boris Riperknickersoff. Japanese 'call' girl. Li Bak Lo. Before I post any more of this nature, is it ok with everyone for Scottish, Irish and Welsh jokes? Well we have had Sexist and Ageist so why not? English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh jokes are all over Britain - it is just the fall guy that changes according to who is telling it and where. Irish man in Eire told us one where the English man was the butt and then said "You can make it the Irish man when you get home" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Right then. Here goes. Two Scots queers. Ben Doon and Phil McCavity. How to confuse an Irish navvy. Stand 3 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick. Irish man retuns home for tea with a pig under his arm, says to his Wife, "Look what I got". Wife says, "What about the smell?" Pig says, "I'll get used to it!" Irish pilot to passengers, "We have lost an engine, we will now be 1 hour late for landing". Pilot then says to passengers, "We have now lost both the engines". Paddy turns to Murphy in the back of the plane and says, "That means we are now going to be 2 hours late". Now, this is a true story. Remember back in the 1970's when buying holiday cottages in the country started to become popular with well heeled city dwellers? Well it all started with houses in rural parts of Wales but local people voiced there objections to this as it prevented locals from buying propeties, (nothing has changed) and several of these 'holiday' cottages myseriously burned down. a little while after this started one rural newspaper ran a full page advert picturing a burned-out house, the large letter wording at the top of the page read:- 'COME HOME TO A REAL FIRE. BUY A HOLIDAY COTTAGE IN WALES'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me." Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'" Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy." Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent): "The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday" Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur f***s sake, where did all these English b******s come from?" Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?" Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on ****'in Tuesday!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Some All balcks jokes Ford have pulled there sponser ship from the all blacks, they have taken away all there cars and have told them to drive holdens like the rest of the losers Whats the diffrence between a tea bag and the All blacks, The tea bag lasts in the cup longer In the classafieds, For sale One partly used all black team, freshly recond, all parts have been rotated but the only problem is the choke is stuck on full :D ( i love that one and its so true ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Divorce letter Dear Wife I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if Anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord". Well and truly piddled off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Two Irish Queers. John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn. Irishman woke up this morning to find his house full of aeroplanes. Last night he forgot to turn off the landing light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Specially for our forum boys * How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first? The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------ ------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------- ------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning , God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then , neither God nor Man has rested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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