Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Sick but funny :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I see Micheal Barrymore has been warned by Big Brother to start and use the ashtrays in the Big brother house and to stop throwing his used fags in the pool.? thats a good one FP! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Here's a sample of "stiff arse" humor for you lads, see if you get it!!! ;D A farmer lives out in the country. once a year after the harvest, he brings his goods to market to be sold, riding his horse to the market. The farmer is going to the market one year, when the horse is traveling, then all of a sudden, he stops. The farmer gets off of the horse, walks right up to the horse, looks him in the eye, and says "That's one!". He gets back on the horse, and the horse proceeds towards the market. They are moving. when the horse yet again stops. Like the first time, the farmer gets off of the horse, and looks him straight in the eye. This time ,he says "that's two". He gets up on the horse, and they keep going. The farmer and the horse are almost to the market, and the horse stops for the 3rd time. The farmer gets off the horse, and looks him straight in the eye. He takes out his gun, and aims it right in between the horse's eyes, and pulls the trigger . After the smoke clears from the scene, he says in a low, gruff voice "that's three!". See why i enjoy the humor on this board over American humor? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Great jokes people i dont know many good ones having me in stitches :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 The following questions and answers were collected from last year's Junior exam results. These are genuine responses!! (from 16year olds)! classics Geography Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Sociology Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Biology Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome . Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport English Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Technology Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Some good ones in there James!! Just think, one of these idiots might be our primeminister sometime in the future! :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 An Irish Prime Minister of England? i admit that would be nice ;D Roll on the United States of Ireland!!! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 An Irish Prime Minister of England? i admit that would be nice ;D Roll on the United States of Ireland!!! ;D Ooops, forgot you were a paddy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Numpty 'im quick someone!!! ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 New One: The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." (Oh this is GOOD!!) Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 At last, scientists have observed irrefutable proof of global warming....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 2 Great jokes there lads made me chuckle anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?" The Doctor replied, ?It'll keep the sheets off his legs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales? A leisure centre :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?" The Doctor replied, ?It'll keep the sheets off his legs." Nice one John :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 two apples in a fruit bowl one apple says : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 Two dyslexic's in a car. FB - "Ere, can you smell petrol?" NCC - "Petrol? I can't even smell my own name!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted January 27, 2006 Share Posted January 27, 2006 One day, a Scotsman walks into a dentist?s surgery and asks how much it costs to extract wisdom teeth. ??80,? the dentist says. ?That?s a ridiculous amount,? the man says. ?Isn?t there a cheaper way?? ?Well,? the dentist says, ?if I don?t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to ?60.? ?That?s still too expensive,? the man says. ?Okay,? says the dentist. ?If I save on electricity and wear and tear on the tools, and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I could get away with charging ?20.? ?Nope,? moans the man. ?It?s still too much.? ?Hmm,? says the dentist, scratching his head. ?If I let one of my students on work experience have a crack, I suppose I could charge a fiver.? ?Marvellous,? says the man. ?Book the wife in for next Tuesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Two dyslexic's in a car. FB - "Ere, can you smell petrol?" NCC - "Petrol? I can't even smell my own name!!" you cruel man Tris! > made me laugh though :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCC Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 I didn't even get it \ \ \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 I didn't even get it \ \ \ Must be a deep south west joke :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCC Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 I think your right FB, I'm glad I moved up here from the weirdos :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCC Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Got this sent to my phone a few days ago about every farmer/contractor round here is playing it. :D ? It brings tears to my eyes everytime I listen to it :D :D http://media.putfile.com/postman-pat66 Do not watch it if you don't like swearing and the likes as it contains quite a few. You have been warned ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 brilliant , an absolute classic nath :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Not quite funny enough is it really :D :D :D :D.... shame its only five minutes long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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