jakescot Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Very good everybody just needed the cheer up today !!!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Cop this then John... just had me in stiches !! WOMEN DRIVERS Driving this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jakescot Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 ok I will admit it, I love that one too ! just got a text too....... His n hers diary .........page1, saturday hers...he was quiet, subdued,not himself.something was wrong.he hasnt kissed me all night not even looked in my direction.I think its another woman.I went to bed and cried.he came later on.I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair.he lay still.eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.it was lovely. his....scotland lost AGAIN,am fu**in gutted ,got a ride tho ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdc Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Just the stuff for a miserable morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 thats great Marky :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 this has been around a few times.....years in fact!! :D PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT IT REMOVED! A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you' 'OK' says the girl, 'I charge 100 Euros an hour' '1st goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky' 'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. 'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs. 'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?' 'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 :D :D Bit of Audi sex! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered.............................. "THE TEETH" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 A man and woman were making woopie one night when the woman said to her husband why do we allways make love with the lights off, to which she turned the light on to see her husband useing a sexual aid . She was furiouse with him and demanded to know why the hell has he been useing it. The man replied calmly I'll explain the toy if you can explain the bloody kids Tried to keep it as clean as i could But you get the idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 tramp walks into a jewellers, and starts to pick his arsehole with his finger. the lady working there sees this and chucks him out then asks him why he did it... tramp says well the sign in the window says, ''come in and pick your ring'' sick!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 a man is lying beside his girl friend in bed she turns round to him and asks how do you spell paedofile.... he says, thats a big word for an 8 year old another sick one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 AW NO COME ON PLEASE!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 A man and woman were making woopie one night when the woman said to her husband why do we allways make love with the lights off, to which she turned the light on to see her husband useing a sexual aid . She was furiouse with him and demanded to know why the hell has he been useing it. The man replied calmly I'll explain the toy if you can explain the bloody kids Tried to keep it as clean as i could But you get the idea Thats a good one mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Geography of a Woman Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Canada, moderately developed and open to trade, especially for someone with a lot of cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 78, a man is like America, ruled by a ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking." LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2) Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f**king difference?" asks the father "That's what I said!" LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" MARK says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful." Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pi$$!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go." Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!'" LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 New Words for 2008 *SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. *TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking ********. *BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. *SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. *ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. * SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. *CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. *PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) *SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'. *SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. *AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. *PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. *ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes. *404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. *AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. *OH-NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). *GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. *JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show their level of training. *MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. *MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. *MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. *MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. *BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . *BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. *BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. *TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. *TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female *PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryMC Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 thanks for the new words stevo except i doint get some of them ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPN Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.' Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!' Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?" Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined. Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?" Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?" Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'" Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee " Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing." Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday." Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?" Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?" Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Padraig Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts "Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashmach Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Bit slow Stan - posted that a few days ago :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Jeremy Beadle has just died....GIVE HIM A BIG HAND!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Jeremy Beadle has just died....GIVE HIM A BIG HAND!! :D Wicked... but VERY funny Nigel.. spat my coffee on my PC now... literally :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 An Ethnic woman goes in to a doctors surgery. "I have a very painful elbow" she says "Well can I have a look at your ****** please" replies the doctor. "No, its my elbow, theres nothing wrong with my ******" she pleads "I still need to see your ******" says the doctor "ok, but im unsure why" the lady says. "well" starts the doctor. "i've just bought a brown sofa, and would like to see what it would look like with pink cushions" ---------------------------------------- Delete if nesassary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 :D Wicked... but VERY funny Nigel.. spat my coffee on my PC now... literally :D Heard a similar one earlier - Jeremey Beadle passed away today, his GP said it was pneumonia. his family believe he was just dealt a bad hand!! Boom-tush!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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