joke of the day!!

[batcher]

Where do babies come from

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!"

[fendt-man-matty]

a teenage boy and a girl wanted to make love but both houses had people in them, so eventually the boys says, come over to mine, i share a bunk bed with my little bother, but it'll be fine, he won't notice...

so the couple climb to the top bunk and the boy is about to get stuck in...and the girl says

wait! how about making code words for faster and a different position..

the couple agrees that the girl will say 'tomato' to go harder and 'lettuce' for a new position...

away they go....

lettuce!!!

tomato, TOMATO!!

lettuce!!!

tomato!!!

lettuce!!

tomato, TOMATO!!!

then suddenly they hear voice from the bunk below and they stop immediately....!

it's the boys little brother, and he shouts at the couple saying 'would you's stop making sandwiches as your getting mayonnaise all over me!!'

:D

[james f]

The new pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about 

the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the 

right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. 

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a 

picture of the holy seed flying through the air. 

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy 

the reputation of the Catholic Church." 

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be 

financially secure for life." 

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and 

after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of 

two million quid. 

The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera. 

He met his housekeeper who spotted the camera. 

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it 

cost you?" 

"Two million quid" replied the Pope. 

"TWO MILLION QUID!" exclaimed the housekeeper, "They must've seen 

you coming!" 

[Graeme]

THE WEDDING TEST 

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.   

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

.

 

[BC]

I went to the cemetery yesterday,

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

" These buggers have lost the plot"

[Lady Ferguson]

I went to the cemetery yesterday,

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

" These buggers have lost the plot"

Brilliant... that is soooooooo my kinda joke ;D ;D

[batcher]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is ?1.99 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. 

[BC]

Brilliant... that is soooooooo my kinda joke ;D ;D

Yes Mandy short and snappy ... reminds me of some of Les Dawson's ones!!

[james f]

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE 

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. 

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment 

and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. 

The husband said, "Who was that?" 

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast 

is clear." 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *,_,.-:* ` *.,_,-:* ` *.,_,.-:* 

SECOND DEGREE 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 

and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" 

So the first blonde hands her the compact. 

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *,_,-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* 

THIRD DEGREE 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens 

the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is 

really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 

overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* 

FOURTH DEGREE 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She 

proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." 

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,-:* 

FIFTH DEGREE 

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

"Is it mine?" 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *,_,.-:* 

SIXTH DEGREE 

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US 

government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade 

was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision 

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." 

` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* ` *.,_,.-:* 

SEVENTH DEGREE 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 

reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, 

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer 

approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the 

porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on 

the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my 

possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman." 

[Leakeyvale]

Forwarded to me this morning.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as

he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up"

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

[james f]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said,

'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to get lost.

[Coxy]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy on the field stood by

himself while all the other kids are running around having fun.

she takes pity on him and decides to speak to him "You ok"she says.

"Yes" he says. "You can play with the other kids ya know".

"It's  best to stay here" he says."why?" says the blonde.

The boy says "beacuse i'm the ******* goalie."

[nashmach]

Field to let for Summer 2008 for hay or silage. Contact................

Frank Murphy, Pairc Ui Caoimh..!

:D

[james f]

An Kerry farmer got in his landy and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. 

"Is yer dad in?" the farmer asked. 

No mr, he isn't," the boy replied. "He's gone to Dublin." 

"Well", said the farmer, "Is your am in?" 

"No, mr, she isn't here neither. She went to Dublin with my dad." 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"He went with mam and dad." 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I Could take a message for me dad." 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Rosy, pregnant." 

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to my dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that dad charges 50 quid for the bull and 25 quid for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[Lord Ferguson]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

[james f]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 

Do Twinings Tea employees take coffee breaks? 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag? 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

[james f]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 am in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance"' says the husband, "it is 3:00 o'clock in the morning"!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that", asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push", he answers.

"Did you help him", she asks.

"No I did not, it is 3:00 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there"!

"Well you have a short memory", says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us! I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself"!

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there"?

"Yes", comes back the reply.

"Do you still need a push"? calls out the husband.

"Yes please"! comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you"? asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing"! replies the drunk

[FB]

i wonder how many of these are just copied from emails :D :D

[james f]

Not e-mails exactly : Good for a laugh though!

[BC]

i wonder how many of these are just copied from emails :D :D

99.9% are probably copy then cut or paste I would image Ben. I for one do it!!!

[Lord Ferguson]

er.... guilty as charged as well...

Only because I can't be bothered to type out the ones in my head 

[FB]

er.... guilty as charged as well...

Only because I can't be bothered to type out the ones in my head 

just send them to me :D

you can tell with most as the formatting is the same :D

dont worry i've done it before! :D

[Kiwi6920]

Valintines Flowers $80, Dinner and movie $130 Hotel room $200

The look on his face when you tell him you have your period,

Priceless  :D

[batcher]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache." 

[james f]

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. 

One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. 

There was no sound. 

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." 

The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. 

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. 

Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. 

One man spotted a railway sleeper nearby.

They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. 

They tossed it in. No sound. 

All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. 

The men were amazed. 

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat.

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. 

The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. 

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railway sleeper."