robbo Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. . .and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo (that's over 2 pounds). However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poo, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of **** . There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. Pash the wine bottle.....Hic!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 a man goes in to a shop in Bolton and asks for some turps the other man thats behind the says "we've got 2 kind of turps, audio turps and video turps" you might not get it \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 A young man named Gordon bought a horse from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. the horse is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.' Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.' Gordon said, 'OK then, we'll just unload the horse anyway.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead horse!' But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.' A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!' Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the horse being dead?' To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the horse being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a horse, so he thought I was a great guy!!' Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy. The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead horse !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmermarshall Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? Thanks, P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JK Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun, the skiing great, the coffee hot. The day was uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and, to top it off, they were in the middle of nowhere! Her companion recognized her discomfort, and suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender! Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her bottom off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' 'Did you ever see the young man again?' asked Mr. Leno. 'I married him,' was the reply. 'He's sitting right here next to me.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JK Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Sean was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JK Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 women and planning planning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JK Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Body Statistics....... It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Despite blinking twice as often, women reading this will be finished now. The men are still busy checking their thumbs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murray Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Why does Mexico not have an olimpic team? beacuse all the mexicans that can swim and run are in the USA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murray Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 any one seen the new tractor film 'No' neither have i but i have seen the trailer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cocky Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Q:Wats a shitzu A:A zoo with no animals Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 for the last week or so there's been this German Shepard keep stopping and p****** on my gatepost, but this morning the cheeky B***** brought his dog aswell !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allis8550 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 A lorry shed a load of hay on the A40 near Gloucester today, the driver was arrested ,then later baled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richo Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 A new EU initiative has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word pikey! You must now use the phrase 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers' Or you can refer to them by the 4 letter abbreviation ****'s ;D I'm sure you can all work it out for yourselves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 The teacher was testing her pupils on the use of more advanced words:- "Can anyone give me an example of how you can use the word fascinate" Rebecca put up her hand and said "we were fascinated to watch the fish in the aquarium" Teacher said, "that's good but it didn't use the word in it's correct sense" Shannon put up her hand and offered "the sunset last night caused a lot of fascination" Again teacher described how that was not quite right then was worried to see little Johnny at the back of the class waving his hand in the air. Now teacher had been bitten several times by him but thought with a word like this, he can't think of anything untoward. "So Johnny", teacher said, "how would use this word?" "Well, my Auntie Ethel has a cardigan with 10 buttons, but she has such big boobs she can only fasten eight" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johndeere3040 Posted February 8, 2009 Share Posted February 8, 2009 that's a great one :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue man Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 what do you call a woman with one leg? Ei leen ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massey Boys Mum Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 What do you call a man lying under a broken bale of straw? Russell ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhysmassey135 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 What do you call a man lying under a broken bale of straw? Russell ;D ;D ;D ;D Good one , That one also works with the joke.... What do you call a man with a plastic bag over his head Russell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 SUNDAY MORNING SEX I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued 'He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jsedelweiss Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 say to somone "have you forgoten the box" in a panic speak, and if they say "what box" you say "you've just forgoten it!" I've been doing this to my bro for ages and i alway get him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I will be interested in how the "swear filter" deals with this :D :D :D :D :D WHY I AM KNACKERED? Yes, I'm knackered. For several years I've been blaming it on age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build-up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living? I'm knackered because I'm overworked............................... The population of this country is 51 million. 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million at school. That leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government to look after us. That leaves 5 million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work. 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the government to look after us. That leaves one million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons. Which leaves 2 people to do the work. You and me. And you are sitting on your arse reading this. No wonder I'm bloody knackered! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zetor 6911 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 53 things Farmers Love 1 A nice bit of ham. 2 Mikado biscuits. 3 Diggin Holes. 4 Tayto Cheese & Onion 5 The stretch in the evenings 6 Lucozade 7 Accordians 8 A dinner dance 9 Gettin clattered in muck. 10 Heifers 11 Steel toe caps 12 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips. 13 Eating sandwiches out of the boot of a car 14 The smell of fresh silage 15The smell of old silage. 16 Dunlop Wellies 17 A bottle of mineral. 18 Fightin'. 19 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered 20 Wimen That resemble Heifers. 21 Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup of tae. 22 Drink driving. 23 Red diesel 24 The Fear of Change. 25 A nice bit of Currant Cake 26 Lying. 27 Building walls. 28 The Toyota Avensis 29 Pretending to like mass 40 A good blackthorn walkin stick. 41 Machinery. 42 Strange uppy-downy walks. 43 A good f**kin read of Irelands Own. 44 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead. 45 Scandal, as long as its about other people. 46 Saving Turf and Cutting Timber, because Sentirl heatin's for wimen 47 Saying Massey is Classy but Zetor is better 48 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle. 49 Club Orange 50 rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner 51 Aetin' a big feed of spuds. 52 TK Red Lemonade 53 Good Short hair for boys and nice long hair for the wimen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were sat in the Maternity Unit waiting room and started talking. When my first child was born said the Englishman, my wife and I had no idea what to call him until the nurse came round and said he was born on St.Georges day, so we both agreed to call him George. What a coincidence ! said the Scotsman, my son was born on St.Andrews day so were proud to call him Andrew. Begorrah piped up the Irishman, the same happened with my first son, Pancake ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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