JohnP Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 PS Im part-Irish, so please don't take offence !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 "I hated weddings 'cos all the old dears would poke me & say "your next" They stopped that when I began doing the same to them at funerals!!" "A woman went to the antiques roadshow & dangled a tampon in the experts face & said ''go on ya clever sod. what period is that from?" :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
51MON Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 "I hated weddings 'cos all the old dears would poke me & say "your next" They stopped that when I began doing the same to them at funerals!!" "A woman went to the antiques roadshow & dangled a tampon in the experts face & said ''go on ya clever sod. what period is that from?" :D :D :D very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 I drove into the back of a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He was really angry!!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!". I said, "Then which one are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tractorbob Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 women walks into a bar ..orders a bottle of vintage pink champane (20,000 a bottle) pulls her knickers to the side and pours it all over her fanny .. barman says why you do that...she says .ive won 20 million on the lottery and its the only ***** im sharing it with.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 how do you make lady gaga cry? poke her face :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich.new holland Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 why do women wear knickers as health and safety regs state that all man holes have to be covered when not in use :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMullen Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 how do you make lady ga ga cry poker - er - face [ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 how do you make lady ga ga cry poker - er - face [ er look up there ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMullen Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 [ :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus, ' replied the bird. ________________________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Cherie Blair's Chauffeur Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. 'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie. The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. 'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I'm old enough to appreciate this ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed .... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ........... Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4.. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 One for our brethren "down under" ;D ;D ;D loving and caring Aussie husband... LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE... A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy *****! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!" I thought '**** women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening. After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my senstive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us. I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tractorbob Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 I think this might have been posted before but it is worth one more read ;D ;D ;D A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk" I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home ________________________________________________________________ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health . Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Some crackers there Mike... On a more serious note I phoned the governments new Swine Flu information helpline today.... All I got was crackling - I'll get my coat :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Some crackers there Mike... On a more serious note I phoned the governments new Swine Flu information helpline today.... All I got was crackling - I'll get my coat :'( Dont let the door hit you on the bum on the way out mark... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 One hot sunny day, piglet & pooh were walking hand in hand through the hundred acre wood. Piglet thought to himself that he was very very lucky to have a friend like pooh, & that nomatter what they said or did they would always be there for each other just like friends should be . Pooh on the other hand was thinking , 'sh!t if this little bugger sneezes i've bl00dy had it !' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 somebody once said that when a black man becomes president pigs will fly & sure enough 100 days later 'swine flu' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 ...well I think this is a joke... \ :)I heard yesterday that there was a major power failure in Dublins biggest store,....apparently customers were stuck for up to 3 hours on the escalators... ....with apologies to all my wonderful Irish friends and customers.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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