robbo Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 President Obama and Prime Minister Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new Republican president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the Taliban are beaten, North Korea is a democracy, the economy is healthy. There are no worries" Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on Gordon " says Obama, "Tell us what it says" "I can't! It's all in Arabic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ' What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government... We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the people. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harvey123 Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ' What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government... We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the people. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep Poo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted May 5, 2010 Share Posted May 5, 2010 THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!! While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ... Today you voted.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. > > Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. > > He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." > > "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said. > > "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." > > "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied. > > Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." > > The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" > > "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. > > They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. > > Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you." > > The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. > > "You'll really love my place. > > "The grass is almost a foot high" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tractorbob Posted May 17, 2010 Share Posted May 17, 2010 i laughed like mad to that joke bc ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the US, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says ... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, they see a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he shouts back to Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe ... go back amigo, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis mio amigo ... what ees it? " "Pepe - go back! Ees not bacon tree. Ees ... ees ... ees ees ... ees a ham bush...." I'm SORRY - I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this, but I just couldn't help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you? Don't fib! I know you did! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 That is just hilarious... I wanted to put it on FB, but its' too long ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 It's a golden oldie Mandy but they can be funny years on ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted May 21, 2010 Share Posted May 21, 2010 It's a golden oldie Mandy but they can be funny years on ;) Oh well... first time I've heard it ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Tractor Twitcher Posted May 22, 2010 Share Posted May 22, 2010 One that i've heard doing the mobile phone rounds recently that made me chuckle ever so slightly.... I somehow managed to get banned from B & Q today. A youth in an orange jacket came up to me and asked if I wanted decking? Luckily I got the first punch in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 A team of scientists have announced that they have developed a car that runs on water....... Although they had to admit that so far it only works with water from the Gulf of Mexico. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 There are some good one liners circulating about the Gulf of Mexico oil catastrophe, I don't know who thinks them up but here are a few I have had Scientists have designed a car that runs on seawater......but it only works with water from the Gulf of Mexico Now all Tuna from the Gulf Coast comes pre packaged in oil The ocean looks a bit slimmer today, dressing it in black really did the trick You know what they say about the ocean......once it goes black it will never go back BP, we've created something that will affect your children's children........can you say the same about your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
05rich Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 There are some good one liners circulating about the Gulf of Mexico oil catastrophe, I don't know who thinks them up but here are a few I have had Scientists have designed a car that runs on seawater......but it only works with water from the Gulf of Mexico Now all Tuna from the Gulf Coast comes pre packaged in oil The ocean looks a bit slimmer today, dressing it in black really did the trick You know what they say about the ocean......once it goes black it will never go back BP, we've created something that will affect your children's children........can you say the same about your life? not heard any of them before , first one is the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griffithsbros Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Blonde goes into PC World looking for curtains, assistant says: 'You don't need curtains for a PC'. Blonde replies: 'Hello, but mine has windows!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 I hear David Beckham was asked to do an after dinner speech last week at the FIFA pre-tournament "do" for all the football big-wigs, rising to start he cleared his throat and said, quite sheepishly...."Well, they're little white sugary things that rattle around in my pocket in this clear little white box"..... .... gently tugging at his jacket sleeve to one side, FIFA's chairman, cringing, whispered to him, "No David, .....tactics" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Apologies if this one has been posted here before, but I can't be bothered to look back through all the previous pages to check. Joe was a farmer who was crazy about tractors as a child and teenager. He went to all the nearby tractor conventions, but his interest faded as he got older. One evening when he was in his mid 30s he went into a pub. There were a lot of smokers there, so he took a deep breath, walked outside, and exhaled all of the smoke. When he went back inside, the barman said, "That was amazing! How did you learn to do that?" Joe replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan." And another joke for our American members: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? A what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexMF Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 oXo are releasing a white oXo cube with a red cross on to support england in the 2010 world cup, it's called the laughing stock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted June 20, 2010 Share Posted June 20, 2010 oXo are releasing a white oXo cube with a red cross on to support england in the 2010 world cup, it's called the laughing stock. Classic!! Made me laugh did that. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick henton Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 Classic!! Made me laugh did that. :laugh: like that one ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jordantaylor Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river. he walks into the river and stands next to the preacher."are you ready to find jesus my son?", paddy says "i am sir." the preacher puts him under the water and says "have you found jesus?" "no sir". he puts him under for longer. "no sir". he puts him under for two minutes "have you found jesus?" paddy says " are you sure this is where he fell in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 just heard the weather forecast - the North of England will experience severe flooding over the next 24 hrs. This is due to the whole of Scotland pissing themselves laughing!!!! ) Courtesy of a friend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Tractor Twitcher Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 From my mobile: "I've just assaulted the boss of FIFA and it turns out I was being watched on CCTV" "It's alright though, they have no idea who did it because they aren't allowed to use the footage." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 David Blaine is said to be gutted because his record of doing sweet F A in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 England are currenty arranging their next friendly against Iceland. Capello is not confident that they will win but is hopeful that they will do better in the following 2 games against Tesco & Asda! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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