Barry Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Thatcher dies and Fergie retires. Somewhere there is a Scouser holding a lamp with one wish left! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 NAG! NAG! NAG!" An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?! ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
0025 Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 what cheese goes with beef? Answer: masca"pony" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 You know you're getting old when your children ask you if you want to go to the toilet before going out anywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 From a forum with mostly American members. Too long to type out, so I scanned it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Very good David, made an athiest chuckle. My 97 year old Uncle told me the other day that if he knew that he was going to live so long he would have taken better care of himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Very good David, made an athiest chuckle. My 97 year old Uncle told me the other day that if he knew that he was going to live so long he would have taken better care of himself. I'm an atheist too, but obviously thought it was funny. The forum I found it in is a poultry forum full of Bible thumping, gun totin' southern states types. I am still technically a member, but don't contribute any more because I was soon arguing with almost all of them. I just 'lurk' without signing in every week or so, to see what's going on there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 My Father was a non believer also, especially when the hay was almost ready to bale and it then rained for a week and when the vicar came around for donations to repair the fabric of the church he told him to sell some church land to pay for it, that's what he'd have to do to repair our house or take out a Bank loan, he didn't see that the church should be any different. He also used to invite the Jehovah's witnesses in when they came around and ended up tearing their beliefs and philosophy's to shreds humiliating them. Plus, all the conflicts going on in the World are being fought under the cloak of religion, doesn't this go against what the Bible says? Tosh and humbug the lot of it! True story. Little lad and his mum went to visit an old lady, old lady was out sitting in her garden, old lady told little boy to go and play whilst she and his mum talked. Little boy went into the dining room and saw that the table was set for tea and many varied buns on plates, he went to pick one up and glanced up to a religious 'saying' framed and hanging on the wall which said 'Thou shall not steal', so he put the bun back. Looking up again, on one of the other walls was a framed saying, 'the Lord helps those who help themselves', so he took the bun and ate it!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbear Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Hah! Made me think of my old Mum... Our front door opened straight out onto the main road and one day the vicar had been to call and as he left, he almost got run over by one of the (scarce) cars that came along. Without thinking, my Mum shouted "Better too late in this world than too early in the next!". The vicar turned and asked her if she'd like to pursue the argument in church on Sunday... She never did. My Dad also used to ask the Jehovah's Witnesses in. He would keep them there so long, they'd start making excuses to leave! Although he wasn't particularly religious, my Dad could quote the Bible to anyone. A result of his upbringing, I suppose? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbear Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 A true story: I work in a school. One of my jobs is to change the children's computer passwords when they forget them. I have a spiel I give them to set the rules - "Must have a capital letter, a number, eight letters or more and not part of your name". Sometimes I add "or have any vowels", just to see if they are listening or just standing there... One day I was challenged by a girl who said it wsn't easy to think of a word without vowels. Her little friend said, "I know what vowels are!". When I asked what they were, she said that they were birds that flew around at night. The office fell about after she had gone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 John, in Devon speak a vowel is a chicken, an owl is a 'nighthawk'. My Father told me the story of the local village Bobby who was a bit of what we would call now, politely, a bit of a 'jobs worth', he was always looking for the slightest opportunity to nick someone. On one occasion he noticed the Vicar riding past him on a bicycle, it was beginning to get dark, as he passed him the Bobby asked in a loud voice 'where's your lights' Vicar shouted back 'next to me liver!' and disappeared into the murk of dusk. The Bobby after this was determined to nab the Vicar and observed him once again with no lights on his bike but this time it was during the day, the Bobby told him that he was obliged to fit lights if he rode in the dark and what if he met with an accident, the Vicar told the Bobby not to worry, 'the Lord is always with me'. The Bobby then tried to arrest the Vicar 'for two on a bike'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Mary had a little lamb she tied it to a pylon 10000 volts went up its **** and turned its wool to nylon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stabliofarmer Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Half the children's passwords arn't rhythm123 by any chance are they John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 I arrived home from the pub a little later than usual and my wife said 'you're drunk', I replied 'I am not drunk!', 'tell the time then' she said, so I walked over to the clock, looked it straight in the face and said 'I am NOT drunk!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbear Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Half the children's passwords arn't rhythm123 by any chance are they John We are a mixed faith school... We get a lot of tractor makes from the boys. I've known one lad since he was 2 years old and I'll swear his chat up line will be, "Do you want to see my tractor?". If the answer is "No!", that'll be the end of that!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 We are a mixed faith school... We get a lot of tractor makes from the boys. I've known one lad since he was 2 years old and I'll swear his chat up line will be, "Do you want to see my tractor?". If the answer is "No!", that'll be the end of that!!! In a few years time lad might be like: An agriculture college student was 'getting friendly' with a girl, when she drew back and said, "I can't, because, erm, I've got my, erm, maiden's monthly." He replied, "And I've got my Farmer's Weekly, but I ain't gonna read it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 A Little Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I hear in response to ALDI offering Reindeer steaks the other bargain supermarket are doing LIDL Donkey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. DISCLAIMER: No children were hurt in the making of this joke. This story is fictional. Any similarities to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. Should this offend you in some way, go get some therapy & grow a sense of humour & I also suggest that you never watch another England game ever again! ha ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Wayne Rooney goes to Roy Hodgson and says…….I have a problem boss, I don’t know what’s best for me.... Left, Right or Middle.Hodgson replies…..For f*** sake Wayne just pick a seat and get on the plane!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Got into conversation with a complete stranger the other day, discussing things in general, like you do, and the subject of music came up, not surprising really as this person was carrying a guitar in a case. In the course of the conversation about music and musical instruments he asked me if I was at all musical or any of my family were or if I came from a musical family? I said that I did not but Mothers sewing machine was a Singer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catkom3 Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off. Regards Joe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 The British Penny - European Union Directive No. 456179In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny†is not to be used after 31 December 2014. From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronatingâ€. It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 Farmer brings a poorly piglet into the house for some TLC, farmers wife asks 'what about the smell?' Pig says 'I'll get used to it!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Man decides it's time he bought a pony for his 5 year old daughter to start to learn to ride, off he and his little daughter go to the pony sale, man sees a potential purchase so he goes up to the pony and runs his hands all over the pony's body, little girls asks 'what are you doing that for Daddy?' he replied by saying that he needs to know that the pony is sound before he buys it, little girl says 'I think the milkman wants to buy Mummy!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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