Guest Fendt pwr Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 joke of the day One day in a land far far away......The organs of a guys body had a meeting to decide which one was incharge......Frist the brain said I'm the boss because I control the bodys every move....Then the leggs said so what brain with out me you could not move around at all so I should be in charge........Next the eyes piped up and said well you 2 would be stuffed if it was'nt for me showing you the way to walk so I'm the boss and that's that.....Then the rectum said you lot have got it all wrong,it should be me in charge because I'm the boss of removing the waste.Then all the other organs laughed at the poor old rectum so in a huff he shut down tight and would not work at all.3 days later the brain had a head ace the eyes keep watering and the leggs had a hell of job runing any more so they all gave up and let the rectum be the boss of the poor guys body...... The morel of this story...............You all ways end up working for an arss hole!...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 Couple more for you.............. Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good." "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!" A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other." The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ihatepoundland Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An extractor fan! (works better when you say it, but not that well ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fendt pwr Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 Why are married woman ofthen heavier than singel woman you may wonder...?? The singel woman comes home and looks at what's in the fridge and thinks to her self yuck then she heads off to bed. The married woman comes home and looks at what's in the bed and thinks to her self yuck then she heads off to the fridge. It's that simple..... (if any one wants me to stop this BS then just say the word) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the other green Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 My wife is gonna kill herself laughing at your last one Fendt Power. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fendt pwr Posted June 4, 2005 Share Posted June 4, 2005 One morning little trev came in and sat down for his breakfast and his mother says to him you have you done your chores this morning yet trev?what chores says wee trev playing the inocent with his mother,feed the pigs and milk the cow she tells him rolling her eyes.No says wee trev I'll go out and do them now he tells his mother, so he drags his wee sorry arss out to the yard and feeds the pigs but on the way out he gives a pig a kick in the arss just for the hell of it.Next he goes over and milks the house cow when he's done milking the cow he gives the cow a boot in the arss as well before heading back inside for breakfast.Back at the table wee trev sits himself down and his mother brings him over a bowl of wheat bixs with no milk,what's this says wee trev don't I get bacon & eggs or a drink of milk?no you don't trev I saw you kick the pig so no bacon for you today then I saw you kick the house cow so no milk either.Just then wee trevs dad comes in and kicks his mothers favorit moggy(cat) out of the way, then with a smile wee trev say's to his mother so what's dad going to miss out on then mum??. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 A ventriloquist visiting the country walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the villager: "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git" Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? Dog: "Doin' alright" Villager: (Look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play" Villager: (Look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think" Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements" Villager: (Total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a liar" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FNHIR Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 And what breed of dog was it you were patting at the time, james f? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 A cocker spaniel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 3 men sitting in a sauna. An English man, A Scottish man and an Irish man heard a bleeping sound, the English man pressed the top of his arm and the bleep stopped...... I have a microchip in my arm he states, that was my pager. A few minutes later and a phone starts to ring.... the Scottish man puts the palm of his hand to his ear and takes the call, when he's done he informs them he has a phone microchip built into his hand. The Irish man , not to be outdone heads of to the toilet, when he returns he has toilet paper hanging out of his backside.... the other two stare at him in astonishment ? :o "Be-jasus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fendt pwr Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 haha :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I was out after my christmas dinner, shooting a few rabbits and working off the dinner when i saw the vicar coming, now he doesn't agree with shooting after christmas dinner, so i took the rabbit i had just killed and went to hide in the bush and skin it. As the vicar walked past i saw him screw his face up, and he started reversing in to bush, and i knew what he was going to do the dirty bugger. Anyway he curled this turd up like a walnut whip, and i thought i would play a little joke on him, so i placed all the rabbit guts and other waste from the rabbit on top of the turd then maid my way swiftly to the pub. I walked in and said to the barmaid "2 pints please" she said "2?,who are you drinking with"? I said "the vicar" She said "he has lived in the parish for 14 years and has never came in the pub, he doesn't drink" "Mark my words i said" Wasn't long in he came, pale as a milkbottle, he went round drinking everyones beer. "Is there a problem vicar" i said "yes i'm a very ill man" he replied "what is the problem" i said " well i was out passing off my christams roast, when nature called and i had no option but to relieve myself in the bush, thing is i passed out half my intestines" "not good" i said "lucky really" he said " it was a good job i had my walking stick with me i managed to fit half of it back up" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 I just came out a service station with my wife and she said "Oh Powerstar i left my glasses behind" I said , "You useless,smelly,fat assed,ignorant,cow!" "I've gotta do ten mile that way and tweny mile to another roundabout i've got to do fourty mile just because you left your glasses behind" I said "your a boody liability, next time you want me to take you out, bloody forget it you useless,cow" " i gave her sh!t for fourty mile" Anyway when we got outside the service station i said "now go in and get your bloody glasses, and while your in there pick up my hat"? The other day, my wife was out weeding in the garden, and she was bent down right next to the barbecue, i said " dear your ass and that bloody big double barbecue are the same width" well she took offense to that, and i did feel guilty for saying it, so i thought i would give her one that night, so when we got in bed i tried touching her up a bit and she said "if you think i'm starting up this bloody big barbecue for one little chipolata you've got another thing coming!" Stayed in the hotel a few days with my wife and when we checked out i had a bill for ?600 i said "sh!t" " ?600, you must be having a laugh" The hotel manager said "No ?600 we have all the facilities, it's included in the price, did you use the olympic size swimming pool?" I said "no never went there" " well" he said "?600 al inclusive it was there, did you play bowls out on the lawn?" "no" i said "there again ?600, it was there for your convenience, did you go in the gym?" "i never bloody went in there" "well there again he said, ?600 your convienience, all there you could of used it" So i gave him ?600 and a bill for ?800 "what's that for" the manager said "shagging my wife" i said "i didn't" he replied "but no she was there" i said If you want more just say i've got loads? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new holland driver Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 KEEP YOU GOING Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Took my wife out for tea and biscuits the other night isn't that lovely she didn't like giving the blood that much! I rang up my mate about half eleven last night and said" your still up then" "yea he replied, "i'm waiting to put the cat out but he hasn't come in yet"! Last night some cheeky bugger was out in my shed trying to steal my ride on mower. So i rang up the police and said "somebody is trying to knick me mower can u assist" "no" the officer replied, "got no one in to night, only me taking calls will send someone out tomorrow" "your bloody useless" i said and put the phone down i rang back 3 mins later and said "you know that bloke that was stealing my mower" "yes" the officer replied "well i shot him" And in ten minutes i had two helicopters 14 squad cars ten members of the s.w.a.t team and 3 sniffer dogs. they caught the bloke still out in the shed "you lied" said the officer "he's not dead atall" and i said "you lied too, you said there was no one else at the station" I was round my mates and i didn't know what the time was it was getting late and he didn't have a clock i said "look i need to know the time, i'm not allowed to be late" he said "no worries, i'll show you how to tell the time late at night with no clocks" and he took out a bloody big gong and a rolling pin and smacked it so hard it made me jump out my skin, then he opened a window and the woman across the street shouted "do you have to do that at three in the moning" More? \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 joke of the day One day in a land far far away......The organs of a guys body had a meeting to decide which one was incharge......Frist the brain said I'm the boss because I control the bodys every move....Then the leggs said so what brain with out me you could not move around at all so I should be in charge........Next the eyes piped up and said well you 2 would be stuffed if it was'nt for me showing you the way to walk so I'm the boss and that's that.....Then the rectum said you lot have got it all wrong,it should be me in charge because I'm the boss of removing the waste.Then all the other organs laughed at the poor old rectum so in a huff he shut down tight and would not work at all.3 days later the brain had a head ace the eyes keep watering and the leggs had a hell of job runing any more so they all gave up and let the rectum be the boss of the poor guys body...... The morel of this story...............You all ways end up working for an arss hole!...... ha ha! that is good! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 My wife is gonna kill herself laughing at your last one Fendt Power.? ? :) Hey TOG did u get my note. ??? ??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors ? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Doctor,Doctor! I've got a steering wheel down my pants! - It's driving me nuts!! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dj mac Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms. Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts! :D :D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 I don't know if you have them where you are but down south here there's a group of airy fairy dance/ singing folk that jump around & hit sticks together & I've recently been told that they are very particular in who they let join their sect, apparently they won't let circumsized men become Morris Dancers.......no, you have to be a COMPLETE *****. ;D ;D ( Courtesy of JETHRO the other night) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dj mac Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 very good :D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 What's the diference between light and hard You can sleep with a light on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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