Udimore Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 2 crackers there boys.. - I'm off to Tesco right now :D And what time of the day Marky Or is it to rip them off through business :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 i'll try the tesco one on Friday! :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 James there are some humdingers in there mate, the voices one reminded me of the sketch by Harry Enfield. I coud be arrested late this week for trying some of these so keep an eye out in the papers!! Bary, took me a couple of seconds but when the weight dropped that joke had me in tears. That is hilarious!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 In a bid to eradicate Bird Flu the Irish Air Force have just bombed the Canary Islands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 In a bid to eradicate Bird Flu the Irish Air Force have just bombed the Canary Islands. :D :D ....Ricky wont like that one! : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 first post on the new site..... A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Is this the new site as for me just comes up with old look etc P.S. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 Little girl : mummy how do you make babies ? Mummy : daddy put some sticky stuff in me & a baby grows . Little girl : do you drink it ? Mummy : no thats only if i want a new dress. :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Ford Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 oh so thats what the wife's after. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 got it wrong didn't you mate :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Ford Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 YES............ :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 Little girl : mummy how do you make babies ? Mummy : daddy put some sticky stuff in me & a baby grows . Little girl : do you drink it ? Mummy : no thats only if i want a new dress. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: . Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. --------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 A New Wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and provide unlimited beer. The third floor has wives that love sex, provide unlimited beer and have money. The fourth ,fifth & sixth floors have never been visited \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1/32 farmer Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 good one mjb hope the missus dont read the last bit or my life WILL be hell :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Jeremy Beadle has one hand smaller than the other, He always is complaining about the size of his c***, He says, "in my left hand my **** is so small" .... "but on the other hand . . . ." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 I hope nobody gets offended by these, theyre pretty harsh \ \ \ Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded Q: What's blue and f**ks old people? A: Hypothermia Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is f**king her. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't f**king listen. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cun+ once in a while too. Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q. whats the difference between your girlfriend and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson? A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13! Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it. Q. What do you get when you cross two black people? A. Your a$$ kicked. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A. The cake jumps out of the girl. Q. What's the difference between oral s?x & anal s?x? A. Oral s?x makes your day, anal s?x makes your hole weak. Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and s?x education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand... Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,it's not time. Q. Do you know how Aussies practice safe s?x? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Darn James quite a few of those had me rolling on the floor! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 mmmm I think we'd better get back to safe® territory.... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. Probably to a fruit & veg company ehh Marky :D Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important ********-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 not happy then ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 not happy then ? I could imagine one or two of us writing similar efforts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I could imagine one or two of us writing similar efforts. touch wood....*McM bring your head over here please*, i've never had a problem with NTL....yet :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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