JC Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 mjb rang me up complaining he didn't have the spark anymore, "You need some viagra" i reply "can you get it over the counter?" says Marcus "You can with 2 tablets" !!! Fantastic!!!!!!!!!! I take it racism isn't allowed? Hmmmm maybe I'll save it for the PM's. .. !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 mjb rang me up complaining he didn't have the spark anymore, "You need some viagra" i reply "can you get it over the counter?" says Marcus "You can with 2 tablets" !!! :D Excellent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 Fantastic!!!!!!!!!! I take it racism isn't allowed? Hmmmm maybe I'll save it for the PM's. .. !!!! Send them away... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 good one marcus, really can't follow that.....but I'll have a go (one for our Colonial Cousins) An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a ***** willow." Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 There was a Nun in a train and opposite was a chavvy boy wearing a Lonsdale hoody, he was eating prawns and kept flicking them at this Nun, the nun asked several times in a polite manner if he would stop, but he persisted to carry on, she then said "If you throw one more prawn I will get you introuble" undettered the boy threw another, The Nun got up and pulled the emergency break on the train. "Hahahahah, said the chav, you'll get a ?50 fine for doing that!" "And you'll get 50 years when I shout rape and they smell your fingers " replied the nun :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 :D :D :D :D Two good ones there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Nice ones John & Powerstar! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Try this on Histon Produce for starters :D When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to Take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I Politely said, "This is Simon. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'C*nt' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!" One day I was at Redbank Plains Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Gemini panel van cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Gemini C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Gemini for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Camira. It's a timber house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1. "Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "C*nt, I live at 129 Alice Street, Camira, a timber house, with my gunmetal grey Gemini parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up. Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, C*nt," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Camira, and that I was on my way over there to kill my *** lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Alice Street, Camira. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other In front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Try this on Histon Produce for starters :D you got the c**t's phone number ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 you got the c**t's phone number ? :D Yeah and the mobile :D shall i try it ? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? ?3.99 a minute. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control. What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?........... The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen doughnuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last doughnut. What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she's 18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring Wedding Ring Suffering Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 Bit sick scientists have said that women in the future will get intelligent dna inside them at some time only problem is 95% spit it out \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion ? A piece of a$$ that brings a tear to your eye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?" Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going down to hell." "You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open" He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a ittle fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?" Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going down to hell." "You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!" :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 a vicar is drowning out at sea a life boat comes and ses get in and well take you to shore vicar replies no the lord will save me so off the boat goes a few minuites later a hellicopter comes an as the rescuer tries to put the harness round the vicar he says no the lord will save me a little while goes by and the life boat returns and tries again but the vicar is adamant that the lord will save him the vicar then drowns when he gets to heaven he sees god and says ive done your bidding for years and i truly believed you would save me so why didn't you god replied well i sent you 2 bloody boats and a hellicopter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mississippi man Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 This guy was driving down the road and spotted a bar on the side of the road. He was thirsty, so he decided to drop in and have a beer. While he was at the bar, a short man dressed in green appearing to be a leprechaun approached him. The guy asked him,"Are you a leprechaun?" The leprechaun answered, "Why, yes, yes i am." And the leprechaun continued, " And i will grant you 3 wishes in exchange for one thing." The guy was stunned and said," I can ask for anything i want and all i got to do is one thing for you?" The leprechaun said," That's right, one thing.You got to let me screw you in the ass." The guy said,"Anything i want, and all i got to do is let you screw me in the ass? Alright, it's a deal." The leprechaun said," Well, wish away." The guy thought for a minute and said,"You know what? I always wanted a blue convertable Cadillac," The leprechaun said," Done. It's out in the parking lot waiting on you." The guy thought some more and said," I've also always wanted a beautiful blond to be my wife and sex slave." The leprechaun said," Done. She's waiting for you in the Cadillac out in the parking lot." The leprechaun said, "You got one more wish, and then remember, i get to screw you in the ass." The guy said," Alright, alright, i know the deal. You know, i would like to have a million bucks to go w/ my Cadillac and my blond wife." The leprechaun said, " Done. It's out in the trunk of your Cadillac with your blond wife waiting on you." "Now," the leprechaun said, " it's time for me to collect on my end of the bargain." The guy said, " I know, i know, you'll get your piece of ass." So the guy pulls his pants and drawers down and bends over. The leprechaun reems him out real good. After the leprechaun gets off, the guy stands up straight, pulls up his pants and while zipping them says, " You know what, i can't believe you gave me 3 wishes for anything i want and all i had to do is let you screw me in the ass." The leprechaun says, "You know what? I can't believe you believe in leprechauns!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling , this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 Paddy walks into a chemist and asks the lady behind the counter for some KY Jelly. "I'm sorry we sir we havn't got any, have you tried Boots?" Paddy replies - "For gods sake, I want to slide in gently not f***ing march in!!!!" 2. Hum Ching phones in sick one morning much to the anoynac eof his boss. "Look Hum, I really need to come in because we are rushed off our feet here" "Me no come in, me vewy sick.Hum have weely bad tummy and bwocked up nose" "Well when I am ill Hum, I make love to my missus for an hour and it makes me feel better almost immediatley. You should try that." "Ok boss, me try your idea. I phone you when better" An hour passes and the phone rings. "Boss, it's Hum and me feel gweat. Me lots better. Fank you boss, you got veeeewy nice wife!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 :D :D Some great lines there, must jot these down sometime for next time i'm down the pub! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 bloke phones work and says he can't come in today boss: why not bloke: i'm sick boss: how sick bloke:realy sick boss:so whats wrong with you bloke:i'm sick boss:this is rediculouse no one could be that sick bloke: i can i'm in bed with me sister \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.