joke of the day!!

[Barry]

Whats brown and lives in the attic?

The Diarrhoea of Anne Frank.......

[Barry]

Whats blue and f*cks old people?

hypothermia

Whats got 90 balls and f*cks old poeple?

BINGO

[Barry]

One of my favorites

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a suddenly a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car!"

[CCF]

Punishment for Gates

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[CCF]

:D

http://www.stupidity.com/play-7882-Bud_Light_Commercial_-_Candle_Light_Ride.html

[IH885XLMAN]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Gkmj5aiLM5g&mode=related&search=

;D ;D

[jdc]

I don't trust any video with 'nice' music anymore  ;D

Here's a festive ditty with no frights.....not for the kiddies though. Just save it to disk. (It's an .exe but I can assure you it's virus free.) 

http://www.lethamshank.co.uk/santa/santa.exe

[Kiwi6920]

I got this last night. i proberly shouldnt say it here but im going to

A man goes  up to a nice young lady and says " thats kind of a short skirt isnt it?"

She says "Its my airplane skirt..... when i bend over you can see the cock-pit :o

[CCF]

:D

Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he $hits the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

[Barry]

I like it....which American football team you support......i'm a Patriots fan, have been for 15 years, glad to see them doing so well the past few years.

Better tell a joke to justify the reply......

What do you call a man in a brown paper bag..........Russell

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe..........Roberto

[batcher]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a ?30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow ?30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

..........

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Lord Ferguson]

Brilliant Batcher... That one will go around work next week 

[batcher]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a *** club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[batcher]

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask

him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

:

[JC]

English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were stood in the pub having a drink....

The English man starts to talk about his 16 year old Daughter, "my wife was cleaning her bedroom the other day and found a packet of cigarrettes under her pillow, I never even knew she smoked" 

The Scotsman starts to talk about his 16 year old daughter, "My wife was cleaning her bedroom the other day and found a bottle of beer under her bed and I never knew she drank" 

The Irish man pipes up "Well, my wife was cleaning my 16 year old daughters bedroom last week and she found a packet of condoms under her pillow, I never knew she had a cock"  ;D ;D

[Powerstarâ„¢]

English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were stood in the pub having a drink....

The English man starts to talk about his 16 year old Daughter, "my wife was cleaning her bedroom the other day and found a packet of cigarrettes under her pillow, I never even knew she smoked" 

The Scotsman starts to talk about his 16 year old daughter, "My wife was cleaning her bedroom the other day and found a bottle of beer under her bed and I never knew she drank" 

The Irish man pipes up "Well, my wife was cleaning my 16 year old daughters bedroom last week and she found a packet of condoms under her pillow, I never knew she had a cock"  ;D ;D

:D :D :D Good one Doc!

[batcher]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast

[Powerstarâ„¢]

I thought i'd buy my wife some flowers, so I popped in to the florist on the way home and said to the bloke

"I'll have a boquet of your finest lilly's please"

He replies " This isn't a florist mate, it's a circumsition clinic"

"Well" I said, "There's flowers in the window"

"What do you suggest I put in the window" he says...

[JohnP]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning

submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply

alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. ******** (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[batcher]

Top 17 Country Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With

A Few

[batcher]

I, the **** hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Response:

Dear ****,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don?t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will slow down before you are 65.

9. You find it difficult to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[batcher]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

[MJB1]

went on the p!ss with Saddam Husein last night

you should see the state of him this morning

he's absolutely hanging  :D :D :D :D \ 

[batcher]

What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?

IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken

[PDH]

An old man walked into a jewellery shop one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a ?5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only ?40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very piddled-off jeweller phoned the old man. "The bank said that there's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".