FB Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 sounds good, just sent it to our HR lady :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f**king useless twatt" The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 A man went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You have to help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said the man. Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Just for RICK.. :D A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's goi ng to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back a nd thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I'M IN FLORIDA YOU AREN'T :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I'M IN FLORIDA YOU AREN'T :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D BRILLIANT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 apologies if these have been posted before.... Best "Out Of Office" Replies 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged ?5.99 for the first ten words and ?1.99 for each additional word in your message. 5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 7. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE: 8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him." "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs." "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! so don't read further, if you are sensitive...... Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****' Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graeme Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 This should be set in stone !!!! MEDICAL HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good ! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Brilliant Graeme... Laughed out loud at those.... I like the last comment the best :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts." The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 A priest kept chickens at his village parish. One evening the c0ck went missing. At mass the priest asked: "Who has a c0ck??" All the men got up! "No i meant who has seen a c0ck??" All the women got up! "No, who has seen a c0ck that isn't theirs??" Half the women got up! "Oh for goodness sake who's seen my c0ck???" All the choir boys got up!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Classic vicar joke!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 Three guys were talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains strangley quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, ' Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?' The third fellow say, ' I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife to me on her hands and knees.' The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' the asked. 'She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deerepower Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 many genarations ago a posse of whites chasing a blackman were called the klu klux klan...these days it's called formula 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted June 19, 2007 Share Posted June 19, 2007 did you hear paris hilton is having to see a speach theripist?? shes having probs finishing her sentences Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 21, 2007 Share Posted June 21, 2007 The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 the nuns and the blind man -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice Gazonas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Have we had this one yet... 40 gypsies 40 Gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in. He said that he didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in. A short while later St Peter went to see God and said 'I don't believe it . . . They've gone!!!!' God replied, 'Who, the Pikeys?' . . . . . . . . 'No. . . . . . . . . . . . . . the FLIPPING gates !!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
batcher Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I hear the price of lamb has just gone up.... Now ?15 / hour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Has anyone ever seen a cat with a puncture? I have! How do I know it had a puncture?, I hear you ask. Well, next doors Tom was trying to pump it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datman Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Celibacy: Whilst attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary listened to the instructor declare:- "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." Starting with the man, the instructor asked "Can you name your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touching Mary's arm gently, and whispered:- "Self-raising, isn't it?" Thus began Tom's life of celibacy.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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