joke of the day!!

[Lady Ferguson]

Subject: FW: Wine or Water?

Here's something very interesting..............................

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would  have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a  purification  process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So remember:      Water = Poop      Wine = Health

Ergo, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of **** (sorry for the rude word)

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information................................. I'm doing it as a public service.

[IH885XLMAN]

Paddy and his misus in bed one night and next doors dog is barking

keeping the couple up

"righ i will sort this out once and for all"

when paddy goes down the stairs and grabs next doors dog

and puts it in his own garden and the dog is still barking

paddy gets back in to bed & says to his missus

"right lets see how they like a dog barking next door to them"

[TS135A DRIVER]

Did you know that Snow white thought 7 up was a soft drink until the dwarves got her drunk on Vodka one night         

[britainswomble]

Subject: FW: Wine or Water?

Here's something very interesting..............................

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would  have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a  purification  process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So remember:       Water = Poop       Wine = Health

Ergo, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Poo (sorry for the rude word)

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information................................. I'm doing it as a public service.

A Priest stood in the Pulpit, preaching about the evils of drink to his parishioners,

In front of him, he had a glass of water, a glass of Whisky, and a garden worm.

,

He said to the hushed people, "I will now demonstrate the evils of alcohol" and lowered the worm into the water. A few seconds later he pulled the worm out and it was still alive. He said "I've put the worm in water and it's fine; now I'll show you what happens if I put it in the whisky".

He lowers it into the whisky for a few seconds,and when it's pulled out, it's stone dead. The priest says, "There's your proof, now what does that tell you about alcohol"?

A young lad jumps up and says he knows the answer, and the Priest says "Tell us all" The young lad replies.............."If you drink whisky, you'll not get worms" 

[MODELFARMER]

Marky still loves his fanny

Now thats funnay

[Lord Ferguson]

Marky still loves his fanny

Now thats funnay

- I will always love my little lady... 

And do tell what is funny about that Rickaaaayyyy 

Pwwwttthhhhh  :P

[batcher]

- I will always love my little lady... 

And do tell what is funny about that Rickaaaayyyy  

Pwwwttthhhhh  :P

sounds like a lady bit to me (schoolboy snigger)

[TS135A DRIVER]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks " Daddy how was I born " ?

His father answers " Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out any way"

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then we set up a date via e-mail and met in a Cyber - Cafe. We sneaked off into a secluded side room where your Mum agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and it was now too late to hit the delete key. Nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said " You've got Male"   

[batcher]

Two farmers, one with a sow and one with a boar decide to mate them. The farmer with the sow puts it the wheelbarrow, takes it next door and the boar does its deed. "How will I know if the mating was successful?" he asks. The second farmer says: "If she's eating grass in the morning it's not worked. If she's rolling in the mud it has". The next day the first farmer asks his wife "Look out the window and tell me what the sow's doing" His wife replies: "She's sitting in the wheelbarrow" 

[BGU]

Two farmers, one with a sow and one with a boar decide to mate them. The farmer with the sow puts it the wheelbarrow, takes it next door and the boar does its deed. "How will I know if the mating was successful?" he asks. The second farmer says: "If she's eating grass in the morning it's not worked. If she's rolling in the mud it has". The next day the first farmer asks his wife "Look out the window and tell me what the sow's doing" His wife replies: "She's sitting in the wheelbarrow" 

I like that one!!! :D

[IH885XLMAN]

Mr smith goes to the

Doctor for his wifes results.

The  doctor apologises saying

that there are 2 Mrs smiths &

their results are mixed up

1 has Alzheimers and the other

has Aids

Mr smith  asks "oh dear what should I do?"

the doctor said " Drop her off in town

and if she finds her way home ;dont s#@g her"

:'( ;D

[batcher]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours. The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, about 3 hours. The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, about an hour and half. The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later,

Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." 

[Datman]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was put off of tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[Akey]

;D ;D ;D

[Kiwi6920]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was put off of tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own.

Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke.

He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

Farmer nick did thise a few pages ago

[batcher]

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you 

[Deeredriver]

fantastic i gota text that one to my mates

:D :D :D

[Kiwi6920]

Damn thats good,

[Lady Ferguson]

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The  native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As  soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They  are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[the other green]

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The  native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As  soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They  are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Superb!! :D

For some strange reason Mrs TOG found the women's reason no.s 3 and 4 to be very funny  ???

[Lady Ferguson]

Superb!! :D

For some strange reason Mrs TOG found the women's reason no.s 3 and 4 to be very funny  ???

Me too.... I like Mrs Tog

[batcher]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats." 

[batcher]

Never Trust A Woman

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. ; After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" ;

The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" ;

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... " 

[batcher]

There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. 

[BC]

Now English FTF members don't take offence its only a joke

Scottish  man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a

pool with his hand.

The  Scottish  man shouts

" Awa ye feel hxor thats full O coos Sharn "

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow ****

The man shouts back

"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The  Scottish  man shouts back

"Use both hands, you'll get more in."