Tractorman810 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Specially for our forum boys * How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first? The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------ ------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------- ------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning , God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then , neither God nor Man has rested. that had better be a joke mandy aint looking forward to next sept now :'( :'( :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I would say that it's more like 98%! :( :'( :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I would say that it's more like 98%! :( :'( :'( mm best make up for it now then, bye lads see you monday :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punk Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 this mushroom walks into bar and chats up lady to dance after an hour he was not getting far and she was getting very tired of him but he pleaded you would love to dance with me, you really would and what is so special about you then? well i am a fungi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 When God made Man... ...She was only joking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he grabs the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Deala?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he grabs the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (Wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Deala?' I just love that one Peter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massey Boy Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 thats a good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 A British chap met a gorgeous lady from the Ukraine and they got on famously, so much so that she came back to home to live with him. But language was a bit of a problem. Out shopping one day for tea for some chicken legs, to make the Butcher understand she finally resorted to clucking her way round the shop and lifting her skirt. Next day, back in the butchers, she was agian stuck, but made a mooing sound and revealed her ample bosom and came away with some choice Brisket. Next day was Saturday and she was out with her husband and they were after some sausages. So she..... wait for it..... You can guess what's coming up, can't you ?? got her husband to ask, of course ! (why, what were you thinking ?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Punctuation. (Bet the grammar and spellcheckers find nothing wrong with this!) The General marched in on his hands, his gloves on his feet, his boots on his head, his hat making the grand entrance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Lorry driver driving through Ness. Stops at a road end, and a car pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up to the door and knocks on his window. The lorry driver lowers the window and the woman says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry" The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and he pulls away, only to get caught in traffic, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower it and as if it never happened says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry" He again rolls his eyes and pulls away... once again he gets caught by the traffic and he sees her running up once more. She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again she comes out with: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry" He says something rather rude under his breath and roars away from the passin place shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the next road end and the woman's car tearing up behind him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: "Hi, my name's Hector, and I'm driving a bloody gritter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It! was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massey Boy Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 :D :D very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the other green Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Daaayyyum Gav, that was brilliant! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be ?9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be ?32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife... "Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife... "Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!" Dearie me this has already been posted. Or should I say "Oh deere...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Dearie me this has already been posted. Or should I say "Oh deere...." Seriously?? When exactly?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Seriously?? When exactly?? 20-08-2007, 19:33:28 But it was a little different. It was an Irishman first time round Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 As much as it would please me to Numpty F-P at the minute after he got me the other week it would be totally unreasonable as there's just too many pages to read through in this topic now if you did want to check each time before a joke was posted so repeats are going to happen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 As much as it would please me to Numpty F-P at the minute after he got me the other week it would be totally unreasonable as there's just too many pages to read through in this topic now if you did want to check each time before a joke was posted so repeats are going to happen Totally agree, I personally never do. Just post it up if I think its a good un! After all you can never have too much of a good thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I'll take time to go through all 92 pages before posting again then....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 As much as it would please me to Numpty F-P at the minute after he got me the other week it would be totally unreasonable as there's just too many pages to read through in this topic now if you did want to check each time before a joke was posted so repeats are going to happen I'm watching you too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Women and shopping; A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clockcare, And you'll now be his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It! was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?' : : That was on THE LAST PAGE!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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