joke of the day!!

[marshman]

very good Robbo, i think you should be the ofically ftf comidian :D

[Tractorman810]

thats about right for bodmin, its in that no mans land for comon sence , will show that to my other half as shes got a meet with a pcso some time soon as they keep getting probs with kids at work

[robbo]

very good Robbo, i think you should be the ofically ftf comidian :D

People seem to know that I have a strange (warped) sense of humour so I get sent loads of jokey emails.

However, one I was told today.............

Did you know that they were having problems with the lighting at the Olympic Games?

You can tell if you look at the audience, they are all squinting ;D ;D ;D

:o :o :o

[NIGEL FORD]

so Garry Glitter finally gets his release date....although only eight, she looks a good twelve with her make-up on.

[Lord Ferguson]

Some corkers here once again... always a good laugh to look in once in a while  :D :D

[Kris]

Delete if it goes against any rules!

A black woman walks into a shop one day with a parrot on her shoulder, The shopkeeper turns to her and says "were did you get that from". The parrot replies "africa theres millions of em"

[griffithsbros]

this is a 118 118 joke

what do you call a women tied to a pier?

maud 

[robl12]

At the end of every flight the pilots for Qantas fill in what is called a 'gripe' sheet where they write any faults they found on the aircraft during the flight, it is then handed to ground maintainence who rectify the faults and write what they have done so the pilot can see what exactly has been done. This is a copy of an actual 'gripe' sheet, never let it be said pilots don't have a sense of humour.....

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Maintenence: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.

Maintainence: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Maintainence: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.

Maintainence: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Maintainence: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.

Maintainence: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Maintainence: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Maintainence: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Maintainence: That's what they're there for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative.

Maintainence: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.

Maintainence: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.

Maintainence: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Target radar hums.

Maintainence: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.

Maintainence: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Maintainence: Took hammer away from midget.

[Lady Ferguson]

That had me absolutely in stitches Rob

[marshman]

Very good Rob

;D

[powerrabbit]

Bee-keeper asked in interveiw why he liked keeping bees. Bee keper replied that he likes the buzz it gives him.

[NIGEL FORD]

Garry Glitter returns to the UK today to be alongside Maggie Thatcher, .......no-one better to teach him how to f*** miners.

[NIGEL FORD]

two Essex blondes filling their cars at the petrol pumps, one says to the other "Don't you think the price of petrol is outrageous"

"NAh!  dunnaffect me, I only put in a tenner each time"

[robbo]

Gary Glitter attempted to commit suicide today by jumping into the sea

The rescue services found him later going up and down on a buoy

[1/32 farmer]

gary glitter was rearrested as he arrived in the uk

because police raided his house and found

class a drugs in the kitchen and class b drugs in the bathroom

and class 5c in the bedroom

[marshman]

gary gillter has been given a date for his relise, shes 8 but with lipstick she looks 12

no offence ment by this joke

[marshman]

gary gillter has been given a date for his relise, shes 8 but with lipstick she looks 12

no offence ment by this joke

opps, nigal has already put this up sorry

[powerrabbit]

It was reported today that the lighting equipment in 'The Birds Nest' in the Bejing Olympics over the past forghtnight was inadequate. This appeared to be the case because three-quarters of the people there had to sqint.

[jdman]

It was reported today that the lighting equipment in 'The Birds Nest' in the Bejing Olympics over the past forghtnight was inadequate. This appeared to be the case because three-quarters of the people there had to sqint.

said allready

[robl12]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION

       

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not coming shopping with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7.  My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'Your room looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until you get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

[Kiwi6920]

I think i herd Ever sinlge one of those when i was a child  :D

[Kiwi6920]

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a

Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.  Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries

with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can on Your Desk and Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf in the Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten

over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques , Write 'For Smuggling

Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9.  As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital.  And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds

All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party

Because you're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock

Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!  I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling

      'Run For Your Lives!      They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To

Have To Let One Of You Go.'

[jcb4cxkid]

nice one case pilot  ;D

[Lady Ferguson]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregori eva from Bulgaria. I saw her ****** this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[JohnP]

Viagra Joke-may offend!

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters"?

"I can cut them for you," said the chemist,

"but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection".

" I am 96 " said the old man.

"I don't want an erection".

"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers".