david_scrivener Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 When I was at school the other kids voted me, "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution" They got that wrong! Turns out I'm actually, "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
convo Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 our lass said the other day she has been fancying a BOOB job and i told her about how she could just use toilet paper ,,,toilet paper she said ,,,,i turned around and said of course toilet paper will work for sure,,,,,,she said what do you mean stuff it down my bra just to make them look bigger ,,,,, no i said ,,,rub them every day with toilet paper until they really do get bigger ,,she said will that really work ? ,,,,,,,,i replied ,,,,,yes i will ,,,because its worked on your bum,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,bum bum,,,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 our lass said the other day she has been fancying a BOOB job and i told her about how she could just use toilet paper ,,,toilet paper she said ,,,,i turned around and said of course toilet paper will work for sure,,,,,,she said what do you mean stuff it down my bra just to make them look bigger ,,,,, no i said ,,,rub them every day with toilet paper until they really do get bigger ,,she said will that really work ? ,,,,,,,,i replied ,,,,,yes i will ,,,because its worked on your bum,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,bum bum,,,, And Pete has been eating through a straw ever since ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 been offline for a month with a dead PC so I'll return with.... An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa I like that one, John!!! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
convo Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show to day You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
convo Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmermilkin82.050 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Mightn't be the best.... I cried myself to sleep for ten years until i found some cu*t had stuffed my pillow with onions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
convo Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 you know what i was typing in to google siku and i stumbled across this site ,sick-jokes and have now been on there for about 1h ,,,just a bout wetting my self :D ;D ;D ;D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmermilkin82.050 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 you know what i was typing in to google siku and i stumbled across this site ,sick-jokes and have now been on there for about 1h ,,,just a bout wetting my self :D ;D ;D ;D :D My brother showed it to me once, and I do find some funny ones! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
convo Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 i must admit i like a joke just like the next man but some on there are a bit mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ??? less said i think ,,,,i had to look very carefully and think about the two i put up here, ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 A great site that one Peter, must admit, i visit it every other day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TM190 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 A fermanagh farmer received a letter from the department for work and pensions saying they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minium wage. The next step said the department would be a personal interview, and on the appointed day an inspector turned up. Tell me about all your employees he demanded. Well said the farmer there's the farmhand i pay him £240 a week and he has a free cottage for him and his famiy. Then there's the house keeper she gets £190 a week along with free board and lodging. There's also the halfwit he works a 16 hour day does 90% of the work, earns £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with me missus. That's disgraceful exclaimed the inspector. I want to interview the halfwit. That'll be me then replied the famer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 that sounds about right, TM !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claaspower Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of, 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beetle for the last thirty years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmermilkin82.050 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 not great, "pioneer of apple dies, rest in peace Granny Smith Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Three sons grew up to be very successful and each bought their elderly mother a special gift. When the sons gathered, they shared what each bought their mother. The first son said, "I built mother a big house, the second son said, I bought mother a fancy car, and the third son said, because I know mother loves to read I bought a talking parrot that can quote the whole bible." Each son got a letter from their mother, "Sean, the house you built, is way too big, Barry, the car you bought is too small, but my dearest Marky you simple gift was my favorite of all, the chicken was delicious." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catkom3 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 ;D An Italian Mother Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama Moral: Never lie to your mama ;D Regards Joe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Guy Fawkes Night Precaution: If you have hedgehogs in your bonfire....... remember to wrap them in alu foil to preserve the juices and flavour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 Tampax have announced that they will be releasing a tampon with tinsel attached instead of string........................ It's for the Christmas period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allis8550 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 We used to play this game as kids, you ring somebodies doorbell , then run off before they answer it, we called it Parcelforce . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 We used to play this game as kids, you ring somebodies doorbell , then run off before they answer it, we called it Parcelforce . Like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claaspower Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris.watson Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." brilliant!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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