NCC Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 :D :D Why do I always get dragged in :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 No just a report from Nath. if that was another joke ,it was bl00dy funny :D :D :D :D :D Why do I always get dragged in :D you really need a reason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 No it was nothing to do with Nath really :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 On her wedding night an ex-prostitute looks down and realises what a toll four years on the game has made. She wonders how she'll ever tell her new husband why it's so slack and thinks up a story. The best she can do is to tell him she got herself caught on a fence while out walking. After a couple of hours in bed her new husband turns to her and says "Just how far across the field did you get before you realised it was f***ing caught!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. 2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow. 3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during s?x? Call her. 4. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care. 5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fu*king her. 6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. 7. What's the difference between oral s?x and anal s?x? Oral s?x makes your day. Anal s?x makes your [w]hole weak. 8. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the b!tch cook in the dark. 9.What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem. 10. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match refrigerator. 11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. 12. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. 13. If a woman comes out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. 14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it! 15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. 16. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman 17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot. 18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. 19. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. 20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. 21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job. 22. What's the difference between a b!tch and a *****? A ***** sleeps with everyone at the party while a b!tch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. 23. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks. 24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there. 26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her t!ts went. 27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. 28. Why did the woman cross the road? What's the b!tch doing out of the kitchen in the first place? 29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? 'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet. 30. How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Some true points there :D Sorry mummy mjb :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Brilliant James F - near the knuckle some of them (well nearly all of them really) - but still bloody funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 This one made me smile a tad earlier GO GIRLS! > > > > >> >> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, >>it becomes >> >> harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as > when >>they >> >> were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. >>Some are >> >> oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive >> woman. >> >> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with >>my wife, >> >> Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became >>necessary for >> >> Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the > health >> >> benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I >>noticed she >> >> was beginning to show her age. >> >> >> >> I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she > gets >>home >> >> from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost >>always says she >> >> has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I >>don't yell >> >> at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me >>when she gets >> >> dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the men's grill >>at the golf >> >> club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for a home >>cooked meal when >> >> I hit that door. >> >> >> >> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But >>now it's not >> >> unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after >>dinner. I do >> >> what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each >>evening that >> >> they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates >>this, as it does >> >> seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. >> >> >> >> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, >>she will >> >> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the >>monthly bills during >> >> her lunch hour. But, look, we marry 'em for better or worse, so > I >>just >> >> smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out >>over two or >> >> even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I >>also remind her >> >> that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her >>any (if you >> >> know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong >> points. >> >> >> >> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest >> periods. >> >> She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing >>the lawns. Itry >> >> not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself >>a nice, big, >> >> cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a >>while. And, >> >> as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make >>one for me too. >> >> >> >> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support >>Julie. I'm >> >> not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many >>men will find >> >> it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better > than >>I do >> >> how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, >>even if you >> >> just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging >>wife because >> >> of this article, I will consider that writing it was well >>worthwhile. After >> >> all, we are put on this earth to help each other. >> >> >> >> Signed, Ron >> >> EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Jan 26th. He was >>found with a >> >> Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his >> backside, >> >> with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was >>arrested, but an >> >> all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat >>down on it >> >> very suddenly. >> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 great James!, had to copy and paste that into an email for others to see! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 great James!, had to copy and paste that into an email for others to see! :D Yeah I did ther same thing as well - very funny those James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Two women spend a night on the tiles and get hammerd they decide to walk home and cut through the loacal grave yard and stop for the call of nature the one woman says she hasnt got anything to wipe with so she uses her knickers the other woman isnt wearing any so she uses a reaf of flowers off a headstone shes been hiding behind the next day both the womens husbands are talking about the womans night out and how bad a state they both were in from the previous night out the one husband says to the other " my wife came home with no knickers on last night " the the other husband replys and says "my wife came home and i found a card in between her legs saying wait for it 'We will never forget you ' from all the lads at the local fire station' ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 When I got married someone threw a horseshoe "That's Lucky" I said "Why?" replied the Mrs "It's just hit your mother right in the face" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Not the kind of nursery rhymes your mother would have taught you!: Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her Thighs Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ...but she didn't wear that one very often Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*** him, He's only an egg. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's arse and turned it's wool to nylon Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was ***. Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Little Boy Blew. Hey. He needed the money Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 anyone remember any of "the boy stood on the burning deck" rhymes i cant thats why im asking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Not sure if we have had these and I can't be arsed to look back and check through all those pages - If we have let me know and I will delete them.. AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning. BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS - The typical male adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you goo!Oo! Ho! Aa!Aa! Aa! MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leave a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Older couple go to the Doc, he asks the husband if sex is still good and > > > if he has any questions. > > "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am > > usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second > > time, I am usually cold and chilly." Surprised he can still do it > > twice, the Doc then sees the wife. > > After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears > > to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to > > discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or > concerns. > > The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He > > claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the > > first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know > > why?" > > "Stupid old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is > > usually in July and the second time is in December." :D An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor > tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start > writing things down to help them remember things. > > Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. > > His wife asks, "Where are you going"? > > "To the kitchen," he replies. > > "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream"? > > "Sure." > > "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it"? she > asks. > > "No, I can remember it," he said. > > "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write that > down because you know you'll forget it." > > He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with > strawberries." > > "I'd also like some whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so > you'd better write it down," she retorts. > > Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. > Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, > for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen. > > After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands > his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment > and says, "Where's my toast"?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the king's horses, and all the king's men, Has one f##king big omelet ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P.Morrison Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% However, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 What's pink and wrinkley and hangs out your boxers Ya mother What's pink and hard A pig with a flick knife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Whats Green and Smells Kermit the forgs ass What do you call and Eskimo with 15 balaclavas on his head Anything you like because the T W A T cant hear you anyway What's transparent and lays in the gutter Udi with the sh!t kicked out of him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Whats Green and Smells Kermit the forgs ass What do you call and Eskimo with 15 balaclavas on his head Anything you like because the T W A T cant hear you anyway What's transparent and lays in the gutter Udi with the sh!t kicked out of him funny!!!, sure Udi will have a comeback :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 see if I remember this right.... "The boy stood on the burning deck, a pocket full of crackers. A spark flew up his trouser leg and paralysed his kneecaps...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 It was hot day when the Lone Ranger & Tonto rode into town & they were in the saloon haveing a drink when a farmhand walks in & asks,"Who's is the white horse outside here?" "Well he be mine" replied the Lone Ranger. "Well you better get out there right away...' looks as if he's got heat stroke" so he & Tonto went out to the horse & after taking off his saddle & giving him a good fanning Silver came round. "Better keep him cool now he's recovered " says the farmhand so he suggests that to create a draught around Silver Tonto runs round and round him, which he agrees to & the Lone Ranger goes back in the saloon to his beer. After a few minutes another cowboy enters the saloon & asks "Who's is the white horse outside?" to which the Lone Ranger replies "He's mine, what's the problem now?" "Well did you know...................(wait for it! :D) I said wait for it! Start the car dear!!! "You've left yer injun runnin!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 see if I remember this right.... "The boy stood on the burning deck, a pocket full of crackers. A spark flew up his trouser leg and paralysed his kneecaps...." Isn't that... The boy stood on the burning deck eating red hot scallops one fell down his trouser leg and burnt him on his ankle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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