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3 men sitting in a sauna.

An English man, A Scottish man and an Irish man heard a bleeping sound, the English man pressed the top of his arm and the bleep stopped...... I have a microchip in my arm he states, that was my pager. A few minutes later and a phone starts to ring.... the Scottish man puts the palm of his hand to his ear and takes the call, when he's done he informs them he has a phone microchip built into his hand. The Irish man , not to be outdone heads of to the toilet, when he returns he has toilet paper hanging out of his backside.... the other two stare at him in astonishment  :o :o "Be-jasus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax......

[move]J tell the puddles joke ........................really funny  :D :D :D :D :D :D :-*[/move]

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This should not fail to put a smile on your face!!!

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will!!

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked

beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing

and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent

that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and

gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on her way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she

would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was

more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured

that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So,

she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three

large orders of baked beans. All the way home she

putt-putted,and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could

control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded

her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just

as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone

rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the

pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out

of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and

let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and

fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other

cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went

on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells

signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times

with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling

contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing

for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him

that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was

surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a

"Happy Birthday"!!!

Are you smiling? ;D:D;)

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This should not fail to put a smile on your face!!!

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will!!

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked

beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing

and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent

that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and

gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on her way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she

would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was

more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured

that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So,

she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three

large orders of baked beans. All the way home she

putt-putted,and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could

control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded

her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just

as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone

rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the

pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out

of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and

let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and

fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other

cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went

on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells

signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times

with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling

contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing

for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him

that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was

surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a

"Happy Birthday"!!!

Are you smiling? ;D:D;)

Excellent! Marky ought to like that one ::):D :D :D;D

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This should not fail to put a smile on your face!!!

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will!!

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked

beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing

and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent

that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and

gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on her way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she

would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was

more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured

that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So,

she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three

large orders of baked beans. All the way home she

putt-putted,and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could

control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded

her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just

as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone

rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the

pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out

of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and

let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and

fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other

cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went

on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells

signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times

with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling

contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing

for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him

that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was

surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a

"Happy Birthday"!!!

Are you smiling? ;D:D;)

That's a cracker of a joke Mrs P - the bets on here yet  :D :D :D :D :D
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Topical in light of some previous discussions  ;):):D

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!!

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)

for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI

LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he

sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend

today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA)

he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)! filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet

another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In

Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN

BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job

in.AMERICA.....

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give

you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend

all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the

man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of

food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless

man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm

going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for

doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man

looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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got a few naffy ones! the good ones are to bad for here........

theres three men, an englishman, scottishman, and an irishman........ they go to a fair and theres a magic helter skelter super happy fun slide! so they all buy a token and sit at the top, the sighn says above the chute 'as you ride the happy slide shout your hearts desire, when you get to the bottom youre wish will be true! so.......... the englishman goes first! as hes sliding down he shouts all the model tractors in the world ;)!!!!!, and at the bottom he lands in them all. the scottishman goes let me have a go! so he slides down and as he does he shouts a billion pounds! and he gets a billion pounds!

finnaly the irishman goes down and shouts weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and you can geuss what he landed in!

joke 2

theres this man right, and he finds a kettle in a park. he takes it home and cleans it up! and as he does a magic jeany comes out! and says whatever you want i can give you! but............. youre wife gets double! so he thinks! 'i want a car' he gets his car and his wife gets two! hmmmmmmm 'i want a.......... rolex watch' he gets his watch and his wife gets two! bear in mind the two bit now!

and he finnaly says, 'i want to be half beaten to death!' he gets half beaten to death, his wife gets beaten to death!

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The Old Ones are the best!

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

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oopps

A woman sitting in an australian restaurant suddenly began to

>>cough.

>>      After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real

>>distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table

>>turned to look at her.

>>

>>      Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

>>      The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

>>

>>      Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

>>      The woman shook her head No!!!

>>

>>      With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her

>>dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the

crack

>>Of her ar*e.

>>

>>      This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the

>>Obstruction

>>      flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

>>

>>      Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his

>>beer.

>>

>>      Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that

Hind

>>Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed

in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

            ***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and

ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her

lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff

or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

            ***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is a husband.

            ***********************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's

license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

            ************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the

convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

chardonnay."

            ************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain

man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army

issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That

afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army

has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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LIQUOR WARNING

Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want

to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion

that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all

varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your

friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you

can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the

morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can

logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion

that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most

people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think

people are laug hing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you

are invisible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance

in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large

chunks of time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you

have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass

kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over

in the morning and see something really scary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burn s on the forehead, knees and lower back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan

tpye reel gode.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to shower like a woman:

> >Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,

> >long >>loofah, wide loofah and

> >pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage

> >shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

> >Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition

> >hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with

> >natural avocado oil,

> >leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face

> >with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes

> >until red.

> >Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake

> >

> >body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

> >Squeegee off all wet surfaces in >>shower, spray mould

> >spots

> >with Tilex. Get out off shower. Dry with towel the

> >size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent

> >towel.

> >Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to

> >bedroom wearing long dressing

> >gown and towel on head. If you see husband along

> >the way, cover any exposed areas.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >How to shower like a man:

> >

> >Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

> >Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you

> >see wife along the way, shake >

> >knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

> >Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of

> >your

> > >knob and scratch your bum.

> >Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

> >Blow your nose in your hands and

> > >let the water rinse them off.

> >Make fart noises ( real >or artificial ) and laugh at

> >how loud they sound in the shower.

> >Spend majority of time washing privates and

> >surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving those

> >coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

> >Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.Rinse off and

> >get out of

> >shower. Partially dry-off.

> >Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and

> >fan

> >on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you

> >pass wife, pull off towel,

> >shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw

> >wet towel on bed.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The

frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you

three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to

mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish or,

your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the

most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will

swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I

will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world

by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said,

"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful

consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here

and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of

the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let

them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show

that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who

have a good sense of humour.

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