MODELFARMER Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Irish Maths Test An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when I start?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 The president in Hell joke has been amended. Sorry folks :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 BETTER NOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 A little boy and a little girl are in the school playground at dinner time. The boy pulls his trousers down and points to his willy - "Look!!! I got one of these!!!!" The little girl lifts up her skirt and points to her (nether regions?) and says "Look, I got one of these!!!!" Then pointing the little boys willy she says - ". ... and my mummy says that when I'm older I can have as many of those as I want too!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 LIVING WILL INFORMATION While I was watching an exciting Rugby match a couple weeks ago, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smart alec. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 An American soldier , serving in World War ll , had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded , so the soldier walked the lenght of the train , looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked , " Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat ?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, " You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat ?" The soldier walked away , determined to find a place to rest , but after another trip down to the end of the train , found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked , " Please , Lady. May I sit there ? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted ," You Americans! Not only are you rude , you are also arrogant . Imagine !" The soldier didn't say anything else ; he leaned over , picked up the little dog , tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed , and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up , " You know , sir , you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road." " And now, sir , you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Topical World cup story?.. The Brazilian Team were in the changing rooms before the world Cup Final with England. But they were so downbeat and couldn?t raise any enthusiasm, despite the efforts of the manager. Eventually Ronaldinho said, ?OK lads, I?ll take them on by myself so you don?t have to bother. Maybe you could go down the pub?. After some umming and arring, the team, wander off, leaving Ronaldinho to play the game on his own. After a short time in the pub, the Brazilians had cheered up a bit and asked the Landlord about the game. ?It?s 1-0 he said, Ronaldinho scored after 10 minutes.? That cheered them up even more, and they didn?t think any more of the game for a while. When they did so, the Landlord said ?oh, it?s just finished, final score 1-1. Lampard equalised in the 89th minute.? So they rushed off back to the stadium to find Ronaldinho head in hands, very depressed. ?What?s wrong, that?s a fantastic result all on your own !? ?I?m sorry I let you down?, said Ronaldinho ?what are you on about, it?s a great score?, laughed the team? ?But I got sent off after 12 minutes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Thats about right, what a bunch of over paid to$$ers they are!! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashmach Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Topical World cup story….. The Brazilian Team were in the changing rooms before the world Cup Final with England. But they were so downbeat and couldn’t raise any enthusiasm, despite the efforts of the manager. Eventually Ronaldinho said, “OK lads, I’ll take them on by myself so you don’t have to bother. Maybe you could go down the pub”. After some umming and arring, the team, wander off, leaving Ronaldinho to play the game on his own. After a short time in the pub, the Brazilians had cheered up a bit and asked the Landlord about the game. “It’s 1-0 he said, Ronaldinho scored after 10 minutes.” That cheered them up even more, and they didn’t think any more of the game for a while. When they did so, the Landlord said “oh, it’s just finished, final score 1-1. Lampard equalised in the 89th minute.” So they rushed off back to the stadium to find Ronaldinho head in hands, very depressed. “What’s wrong, that’s a fantastic result all on your own !” “I’m sorry I let you down”, said Ronaldinho “what are you on about, it’s a great score”, laughed the team” “But I got sent off after 12 minutes” ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 > > It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy > Sue. > > Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. > When he > > goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother > > answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't > you > > have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold > what > > they're planning to do. > > Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt > shop > > or to a drive-in movie. > > Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I > hear > > all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise > to > > Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We > know > > Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let > > her!" > > > > Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he > has > > revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue > comes > > downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and > announces > > that she's ready to go. > > Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the > front > > door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small > wink > > for Harold. > > > > About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled > > Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and > > screams at her mother: > > Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!" NOT THE > > SCREW!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 >>> A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of >>>Arizona >>> when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came >>> along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. >>> >>> She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The >>>ride >>>was >>> uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let >>>out >>a >>> "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding >>>hills. >>> >>> When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service >>> station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. >>"What >>>did >>> you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station >>> attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind >>>him >>on >>>the >>> horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle >>>horn >>> so I wouldn't fall off." >>> >>> "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. > His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get > undressed and have a seat > until the doctor could see me. > She said that he would only be a few minutes. > > After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I > observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: > ^a Tube of K-Y jelly; ^^ a rubber glove; ^^^and a beer.! < /I> > > When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little > confused. This is my first exam. > I know what the K-Y is for, > and I know what the glove is for, > but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" > > At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the > door. > He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... > > Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! > I said a BUTT LIGHT" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her !!!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL : Women are evil.......Don't mess with them !!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 cheers Scott!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Mrs. Fenton, > > Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping > with us > unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences > over the > past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras. > > MEMO > Re: Mr. Bruce Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bruce Fenton has > done > while his spouse/partner is shopping: > > > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's > carts > when they weren't looking. > > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- > minute > intervals. > > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the > rest > rooms. > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, > 'Code > 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened. > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of > M&M's on > lay away. > > 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted > area. > > 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told > other > shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding > department. > > 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins > to cry > and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?' > > 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a > mirror > and > picked his nose. > > 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, > asked the > clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. > > 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming > the > "Mission Impossible" theme. > > 12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna > look" using > different size funnels. > > 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse > through, > yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" > > 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he > assumes > the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" > > (And last, but not least!) > > 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a > while; > then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Sounds like a day out for Marky :D :D :D Nice one Barry!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Is this Jack & Jill or Marky & Ben you decide :D ack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was Take my trousers off he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to Put them on." When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me That she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will "Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem." Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after The wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers,gave them to Jill And told her to put them on. Jill said that thetrousers were too big and She couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly" replied Jack "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that". Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack."Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Sounds like a day out for Marky :D :D :D Nice one Barry!! There's only one on that list I havn't done... we don't have a gun dept in out local Tesco \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 There's only one on that list I havn't done... we don't have a gun dept in out local Tesco \ I was thinking just the same Marky, maybe we are weirdo's after all...... \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 nice one barry :D ...think i've seen it before though on here ....bet you copied it :D http://www.farmtoysforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=1224.msg96502;topicseen#msg96502 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Booo Hisssssss... shame on you Barry... fancy being caught copying someone elses work Send him off ref * * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Marky, Graham Poll has already given Barry two yellow cards and forgot to send him off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Little Mary comes home from school and over tea her mum proceeds to ask her about her day at school..... "So Mary, anything good happened to day at school??" "William got his willy out in the playground at break time and it was like a peanut" she replies.. "like a peanut.... you mean it was small Mary?" "No, it tasted salty" she replied : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Little Mary comes home from school and over tea her mum proceeds to ask her about her day at school..... "So Mary, anything good happened to day at school??" "William got his willy out in the playground at break time and it was like a peanut" she replies.. "like a peanut.... you mean it was small Mary?" "No, it tasted salty" she replied : :D :D :D :D :D :D :D oh Jason... made me laugh out loud that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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