farmernick06 Posted October 21, 2006 Share Posted October 21, 2006 That was appalling :D * Slaps himself on the wrist * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 A young farmhand was recently married to the village beauty queen, and after toiling for hours in the fields was looking forward to getting his own oats. Eventually he finished work, threw off his jacket, ran into the house & grabbed his new wife. "Come upstairs, my darling," he bellowed,"I want to make love to you 'til the cows come home." "I'm sorry my darling," she replied sorrowfully, "I can't, you see,I've got my womans monthly." "So what?" shouted the farm hand,I've got the FARMER'S WEEKLY, but I ain't gonna read it now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 The old ones are allways the best ;D ;D Same as man pulls bird in disco and takes her out side for a bit she says I cant at the moment as i'm on my menstral cycle he says that's allright i've got he yamaha round the corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 The old ones are allways the best ;D ;D Same as man pulls bird in disco and takes her out side for a bit she says I cant at the moment as i'm on my menstral cycle he says that's allright i've got he yamaha round the corner Reminds me of when the Suzukis,Yamahas etc first came over here, there was a joke going around about the Irishman that thought an itchy fanny was a Japanese motorbike! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Reminds me of when the Suzukis,Yamahas etc first came over here, there was a joke going around about the Irishman that thought an itchy fanny was a Japanese motorbike! Was that the same man who thought Pubic Hair was Buggs Bunny's uncle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DPH Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9 ." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred." "So, when I start?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 A group of chess players were discussing their victories and best chess moves in the lobby of the hotel The Managers comes over and asks them if they would mind moving on. Why? one asks, we are just chatting minding our business. Well it's like this replies the Manager. No one likes chess nuts boasting in a open foyer. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 ' saw a muslim lady coming to the front door today, so without opening it, I peered through the letterbox & said "There'yar, see how you like it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 ' saw a muslim lady coming to the front door today, so without opening it, I peered through the letterbox & said "There'yar, see how you like it?" :D :D - superb Nigel... as always with a "Ford" joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Deere Hunter Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 a little boy say's to his daddy, "daddy can you croak", the boy's dad say's "what do you mean son" the little boy say's "well mum say's when you croak it we're all off to disneyland ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 lets see if I can get this heart-rending little story to work about a bag lady..... As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possesion in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!" So I did.......... * * * * * * * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I get out of the hospital in about 3 months. It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Excellent one John! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case... Good one... but you missed out the breast feeding stage as well * Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 I think the Dutch Authorities should be congratulated for making their driving theory test very realistic....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 An Amish woman is going along the road in her horse drawn buggy. A policeman calls her over and says: " Excuse me madam, you seem to be missing the left reflector on your buggy... could you please sort this out". He then walks away and notices a strange rope around the horses testicals, he asks " And could you please remove this .... unusual piece of rope, good day to you mam". The next day the Amish woman is talking to her husband. He asks " So what did this policeman want us to sort out " The woman replies " Oh ... one of the reflectors on the buggy has broken ... and something about our emergency brake!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwi6920 Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 What does a Dwaf get when he walks between a womens legs??? A clit around the ear and a flap across the face. (yea i know its kinda lame) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeredriver Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 WARNING THIS SITE HAS SWEARING but it is funny as hell http://pic3.piczo.com/harrythehamster69/?g=19723157&cr=3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Topical one from America.... While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Farm labourer hits pig with jeep, Rings boss to say it?s alive but stuck in bulbar. Boss says ?shoot pig & say nothing?. Labourer asks ?what will I do with his speed camera?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? His wife left him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeredriver Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. > Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and > get me slippers?" > "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two > stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. > "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to sh@g ya both." > "Fook off you liar!". > "I'll prove it," Murphy says.. > So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" > "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one nick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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