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joke of the day!!

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BC

BC

Posted
Posted

Boy comes up to me in the pub the other day and says "Here mate, want a pair of antlers?"

I was like "Aye maybe, how much?"

"Sixty quid" he says.

I was like "Sixty Quid? That's affa dear?!"

He said "Of course they're aff a deer, did you think they were aff a f*ckin rabbit?!"

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JC

JC

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Posted

            A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer,and at   

            the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now

            need to enter a password. Something he would use to log-on.

            Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he

            would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's

            attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his

            password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

            P...

            E...

            N...

            I...

            S...

            His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer

            replied

            Scroll down

            further

            PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH

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batcher

batcher

Posted
Posted

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is

installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to

withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new

facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when

accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have

been

developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and

repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ban k card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its

excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the

way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN # is

written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN

written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

::)

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allis8550

allis8550

Posted
Posted

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is

installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to

withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new

facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when

accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have

been

developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and

repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ban k card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its

excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the

way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN # is

written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN

written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

::)

                    Absolutely spot on. what a dark and deep place a womans handbag is.

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Leakeyvale

Leakeyvale

Posted
Posted

                    Absolutely spot on. what a dark and deep place a womans handbag is.

You would only know if you have delved in one.  

Mine holds a dozen eggs, camera, tripod, mobile phone and often a screwdriver set, along with purse, driving licence, insurance cert and a few other necessary items. And I mean a FEW as there is little room left and weight a ton (that's because of the tripod - compact tubular steel)

Oh, I find it easier just to never carry cash (and you know that's true Susan.... sadly :-[)

Rarely do I have much cash, Mandy - debit cards are as good as anything

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JC

JC

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Posted

What begins with "F" and ends with "K".....

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to

the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he

would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions

he

was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

"Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,

"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks:

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks:

"What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks:

What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and

contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks:

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog

does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks:

"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat

and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I just got the last seven questions

wrong....."

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Leakeyvale

Leakeyvale

Posted
Posted

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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