joke of the day!!

[rich.new holland]

whats the differance between a brick and a ginger ???

the brick gets laid  ;D

sorry if your ginger 

[batcher]

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?

A: Air pockets.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain

surgery on a blonde?

A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?

A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER

THE SEA"?

A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many

teams.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES

CLOSED?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep. 

[Lord Ferguson]

whats the differance between a brick and a ginger ???

the brick gets laid  ;D

sorry if your ginger 

:D - thats funny  :D

[james f]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just  started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a

bee

sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the club  house for 

help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the  clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back

in

so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked. 

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He  nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too  wide."

[PDH]

It's Tough Getting Old:

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly medical with his wife tagging along. 

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'

The wife yells back to him, 'GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR'

[rich.new holland]

i sent it to my friend and shes ginger  she wont talk to me now 

[james f]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they 

didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, 

so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled 

the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see 

that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came 

home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the 

curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: 

"Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you 

have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"

"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"

[Powerstarâ„¢]

Someone has been catching up on Jethro!

[fendt-man-matty]

i sent it to my friend and shes ginger  she wont talk to me now 

sorry mate i had to steal that joke today :D people loved it

[SIMON.]

whats the differance between a brick and a ginger ???

the brick gets laid  ;D

sorry if your ginger 

Massey boy's gonna cry when he reads that  :o :D

[PDH]

9 Things I Hate About People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid ?8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here?

[PDH]

God Said, Adam I want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?' !

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to a hill.......'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....' !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

[batcher]

blonde was recently hired at the office.

Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses,

she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to

the nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos so that the

counterman could view it, and she asked,

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The counterman looked at the thermos and replied,

"Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.

"Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf 

[james f]

A couple were trying to reduce their expenses by going through their bills.

"Do you realise", she says, "you spend ?30 per week on beer ?"

"Ah but", he replies, "you spend ?40 per week on make-up"

"But thats to make me look beautiful for you dear", she returns.

"Thats why i buy the beer", he replies . ;D

[JohnP]

For the amusement of those who like aeroplanes.....

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll

always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my

back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.

We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we

entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did

monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost

instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground

speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground,

Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this

was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my

back-seat. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause . . . "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a

request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with

some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000

feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to

it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed

it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you

know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you

will."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

More tower chatter:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around,

and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What

a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, shot back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts.

Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known

position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

- ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the

flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

[james f]

A man goes to confession in the catholic church...

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex

with Fanny Green every week for the last month" The priest tells the 

sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been

two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice

a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is 

Fanny Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

"At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his

sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The

eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the

aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very

short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar

boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her

legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers,

"Is that Fanny Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but 

replies,

"No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[Gav836]

'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'

'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

The Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish

Just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied:................. 'Because you're in Homebase'

       

;D ;D ;D

[james f]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on

board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and

the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an

Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the

driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and

gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a

good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the

motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him

down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester

Zoo !"

"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so

now we're going to Alton Towers."

[Simon]

A man and his new wife have just got just married and are travelling from church by horse and cart.

After a while the horse stops dead.

The man looks at the horse and says,

'That's once'.

They set off again but after a while the horse stops again.

The man looks at the horse and says

'That's twice.'

With that he takes out his gun [no, i don't know what sort of wedding it was either] and shoots the horse.

*BANG*!! The horse keels over dead on the road.

The new wife looks at her husband and says, ' you shouldn't have done that, i can't believe you did that...'

The man turns to his wife and says:

*****************************

'That's once......'

[Lord Ferguson]

Gotta Pee....

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.  She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said...

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Powerstarâ„¢]

:D :D

Classic Marky, ever heard Jethro tell it?

[james f]

This is still current I think:

Heather Mills "Hopping Mad"

Heather Mills is to take legal action against three British newspapers after they printed several stories that didn't mention her charity work or what a thoroughly warm, friendly and nice person she is. 

The Geordie gold-digger, who has wonderfully gifted lawyers, is currently embroiled in a messy divorce from ex-sugardaddy, Sir Paul McCartney. The greedy ice maiden is reportedly hopping mad after her aforementioned solicitors leaked her allegations of abuse at the hands of her pensioner husband to the tabloids. The leak was widely believed to be a massive PR failure for Mills, irreparably affecting her (ahem) standing, and denting her life-long dream of getting her hands on all of Paul's cash:

"She was kicking herself when she learned of the leak," said an aide, "then obviously she fell over."

But friends of the money-hungry litigant claim the former biped is putting her best foot forward in the wake of the damaging leak and has vowed to bring The Daily Mail, The Evening Standard and The Sun to their knees. 

Sir Paul, 87, has vowed to vigorously to defend himself against Heather's claims he came home drunk and beat her:

"There was only one legless person in our relationship," said the former Beatle, "and it wasn't me. I'll have my day in court, and she can foot the bill ? there's no way I'm stumping up any more cash."

Some of Ms Mills' spurious claims against Sir Paul include:

After undergoing reconstructive surgery on her previously amputated leg, McCartney would not allow Mills to keep a bedpan near the bed, claiming there wasn't enough room for hers as well as his.

McCartney subjected Mills to four violent attacks, including stabbing her in the arm with a broken jar of Ovaltine. He proceeded to remonstrate with the respondent, arguing with her over who got use of the wheelchair.

Ms Mills claims she was forced repeatedly by McCartney to listen to old Wings records.

When asked in an interview ..."After the very public and messy split from your last wife, can you see yourself going down on one knee again?"

Sir P. responded " I would prefer it if you called her Heather."

For her last birthday (before the acrimonious split) Sir Paul bought Heather a plane.

But she still uses a Ladyshave on her other leg.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his 

wife Heather Mills- McCartney. 

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has 

been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have 

no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped" 

She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil 

as possible. 

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she 

will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out 

on a relationship like this" 

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the 

marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing 

a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and 

subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it 

is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on 

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have 

been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get 

her leg over". 

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the 

cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get 

home at night and find her legless" 

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present 

that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg 

for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a 

plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg

[Simon]

God I love a bit of satire!

Nice one James, not seen those ones before.

Genius!

[robbo]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:    'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator:    'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer:    'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator:    'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator:    'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller:              'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller:              'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller:            'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer:            'OK'.

Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer:            'No'.

Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer:            'No'.

Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer:                'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:        'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator:        'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:        'Went away?'

Caller:              'They disappeared.'

Operator:        'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:              'Nothing.'

Operator:        'Nothing??'

Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:        'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller:              'How do I tell?'

Operator:        'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:        'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:        'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:              'What's a monitor?'

Operator:        'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:              'I don't know.'

Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:        'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              'Yes, it is.'

Operator:        'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:              'No.'

Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:              'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:              'I can't reach.'

Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:              'No.'

Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:              'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:          'Dark??'

Caller:              'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:              'I can't.'

Operator:          'No? Why not??'

Caller:              'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:              'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:          'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

 

 

[Tractorman810]

guy i work with had this phone call at home the other day, caller withheld the number and he really doesnt know who it was

mate  =hello

caller  = hello can i speak to mr wall please

mate  =  sorry i think you have the wrong number

caller  = are you sure can i speak to mrs wall then please

mate  =  look i am sorry you really do have the wrong number sorry

caller  = ah right so theres no walls at this house then

mate  = yes that correct

caller  = well how come your roof hasnt fallen of with no walls then

then put the phone down, hes pretty certain it not anyone he knows but he felt a right wally after when he realised what had happend