joke of the day!!

[FB]

heard that before and its still funny! :D :D

Re: joke of the day!!

Cambridge united in todays playoff final.... :D :D

[Lady Ferguson]

I know this is a bit rudey... but I've censored it as best I can:

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's thingy. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge er***tion.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my thingy in the right place, it can Give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ...

“Stick it in the camel and let's get the f*ck out of here!'

[Deeredriver]

Marvelous Mandy  thats not what i  was expecting ha ha!  :D

[Graeme]

Daddy's little girl

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain s**t in our garden !!!

[batcher]

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in

sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint 

[robbo]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Lord Ferguson]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset.  I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

[robbo]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!'

'Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!'

[BC]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

[PDH]

A man got on a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many such looks from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Kiwi6920]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset.  I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

Ohh that is blooming stunning marky, thats going around the email now

[NIGEL FORD]

When does a blind sky-diver know when to prepare for touch-down?......

the dog lead goes slack.

[Lord Ferguson]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. '

[Lady Ferguson]

The old ones are the best darling *

[robbo]

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON

@ WORK

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON

you spend the majority of your time

In an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ WORK

You get three meals a day fully paid for

@ PRISON

you get a break for one meal and

You have to pay for it

@ WORK

You get time off for good behavior

you get more work for

Good behavior

@ PRISON

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ PRISON

@ WORK

You must often carry a security card

And open all the doors for yourself

@ WORK

You can watch TV and play games

@ PRISON

you could get fired for watching

TV and playing games

@ WORK

You get your own toilet

@ PRISON

you have to share the toilet with

Some people who pee on the seat

@ WORK

They allow your family and friends to visit

@ PRISON

you aren't even supposed to speak

To your family

@ WORK

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

@ PRISON

you get to pay all your expenses to go

To work, and they deduct taxes from

Your salary to pay for prisoners

@ WORK

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

you spend most of your time wanting

To get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON

You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK

They are called managers

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

[BGU]

DRIVING TEST QUESTION

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

* Get off the merry-go-round, you're piddled. *

[Lady Ferguson]

A  lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil  shortage here in our country. 

~~~ 

Well, there's a very  simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the  oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting  low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely  geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in 

~~~

The  North Sea

~~~ 

Our 

DIPSTICKS 

are  located in 

Westminster  !!! 

Any  Questions  

NO?  I didn't think so!! 

[Lady Ferguson]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.  'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[robbo]

*A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

      One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

      The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial

      insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

      They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

      The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,

      'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

      'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very

      confidently.

      Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the

      nail for?'

      The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' *

[robbo]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum (BFF) but made me laugh out loud

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Jack and Jill are just married and on arriving home Jack takes off his trousers, throws them at Jill and says

"put these on". 

Jill looks at them and says

"they'll never fit me, they're far too big".

"Thats right" says Jack, "I wear the trousers in this house and don't you forget it!"

Jill lifts her skirt, rips off her knickers and throws them at Jack

"slip into those" she says

"don't be daft, I'll never get into those" says Jack

"Thats right" says Jill, "and you never will if your attitude doesn't change sharpish!!"

[Lady Ferguson]

Important Zen teachings............

 

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f*** off and leave me alone.

 

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

3. No one is listening until you Fart.

 

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

 

13. Don't worry; its only kinky the first time.

 

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bums ... then things just get worse.

 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[robl12]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine; however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them’.

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a fecking clueless idiot... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise’

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies 'Denephew.'

[Powerstarâ„¢]

Just a quick question!

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing Happy Birthday?

:D

[farmermarshall]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,Bob. So they loaded  up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all  to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained. 'I'm afraid the  neighbors will talk if I let  you  stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack  said.  'We'll  be happy to sleep  in the barn. And if the weather breaks,we'll  be gone at first light.'  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn  and settled in for the night.  Come morning,the  weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of  skiing.

But about nine months  later,Jack got an  unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of  that attractive widow he  had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob  and asked, 'Bob,do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on  our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?'

'Yes,I do.'said  Bob 

'Did you,er,happen to get up in the middle of the night,go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well,um,yes,'Bob said,a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I  did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name  instead of telling her your  name?' 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah,look,I'm sorry,buddy. I'm afraid I did.''Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'   

  (And  you thought the ending  would  be  different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the  rest of the  day!)

[nashmach]

Hopefully this won't offend our English members

The Irish student in the Private English School

 

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have

a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have

Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

 

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin’ deadly at General Knowledge.

This is gonna be sooo easy!’

Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. “Don't ask what  your

country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?â€

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher

looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. “Yes, Farqhuar?â€

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy –

inauguration speech 1960.â€

 

Teacher: “Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we

will see you back in class on Tuesday.â€

 

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

 

Teacher: 'Who said.â€We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them

in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?â€

 

Little Paddy’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I

know. Me Miss, me Miss!†Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe,

sitting at the front: “Yes Tarquin?â€

 

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is

Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.â€

 

Teacher: “Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come

back to class on Tuesday.â€

 

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been

studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

 

Teacher: 'â€Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'â€

 

Little Paddy’s arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,

jumping up and down screaming “Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,

me miss, meeeeee “

 

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front “Yes

Rupert.†Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English

accent): “Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong,  1969 , the first moon landing.â€

 

Teacher: 'â€Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come

back into class on Tuesday.â€

 

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee

chair at the wall. He starts screaming “WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE

ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?â€

 

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: “Who said that?â€

 

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, “Patrick

Pearse,

GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.â€