joke of the day!!

[hody21]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge

wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that

she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in

his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'Brown's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[MODELFARMER]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'

scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into ASDA in Wakefield Retford for a bit

of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to

think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

 

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over

to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young

breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to

look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead

ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Morrisons at the other side of Wakey.

You agree and they both get in the backseat.On the way, they start

undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to

remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling

all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting

herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,

20th, 24th, and 29th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times

last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look

nicer.

[NIGEL FORD]

just off there, now.....'could do with a few provisions...

[tractorbob]

full adress please

[NIGEL FORD]

I hear the results of a recent survey have found that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy....

[tractorbob]

thats funny nigel 

[BC]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Graeme]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

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Four-sprung Duck technique

[britainswomble]

I met a woman once in a pub........... bit of a man eater.      Anyway; she invited me back to her place leaving me in little doubt as to what she had in mind. I thought to myself...... she's probably done this a few times.

    We sat in the kitchen and talked, and she went off to slip into something "More comfortable". She left the room saying, "I hope you are going to take precautions". Well....... I had a think about it and tied my foot to the sink. She said it wasn't quite what she had in mind.

After the first bout of "activity" she went up to the toilet, and leaving the room she said, "Will you do something kinky for me....... see you in a minute". Well I had a think about it......... an' crapped in her handbag. I thought that'll get her going. Wasn't what she had in mind............ Did get her going though.

...........she went loopy and threw me out...... women, eh. 

[jsedelweiss]

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff!

[robbo]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a  teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE???

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[ма��u$*2k9*kid]

this isnt against any ranger supports  but ??

there were these two lads in a lorry and they said to my mate and me get those celts tops of and put on a desent top rangers  > and i was like wash your muth out with soap and keep on driving and then me and my mate sang the song (hail hail the celts are here the celts are here

and up dat hoods ;D

[walsh35]

heres a piece from the irish farmers journal last week.

farmer struggles with employment law

a man owned a decent sized farm in north county dublin.

the social welfare department heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees ,so they sent an investigator out to interview him.

i need a list of your employees and how much you pay them demanded the investigator.

well replied the farmer, theres my farm laborour who's been with me for three years. i pay him 400 euro a weeekplus free room and board. the tractor driver has been with me for 18 months, and i ay him 300 euro per week plus free room and board.

theres the half-wit. he works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the all the work around here. he makes about 10 euro a week, pays his own room and board, and i buy him four pints every saturday night. he also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.

thats the guy i want to talk to  the half-wit says the investigator.

you're talking to him  said the farmer.

[griffithsbros]

heres a piece from the irish farmers journal last week.

farmer struggles with employment law

a man owned a decent sized farm in north county dublin.

the social welfare department heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees ,so they sent an investigator out to interview him.

i need a list of your employees and how much you pay them demanded the investigator.

well replied the farmer, theres my farm laborour who's been with me for three years. i pay him 400 euro a weeekplus free room and board. the tractor driver has been with me for 18 months, and i ay him 300 euro per week plus free room and board.

theres the half-wit. he works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the all the work around here. he makes about 10 euro a week, pays his own room and board, and i buy him four pints every saturday night. he also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.

thats the guy i want to talk to  the half-wit says the investigator.

you're talking to him  said the farmer.

:D good one that

[05rich]

i was talkin to a man earlear today who lives down down the road from me. He has taken up a new hobby "metal detecting" after seeing that bloke on TV who found a million pounds worth of gold. any way he went out and bought approx £500 of kit 

he the next day he went to a local farmers Field just after the harvest to see if he could find anything. to start with he surveyed an area approx 6ft by 6ft and couldn't believe his luck when his detector picked something up. he was astonished , as he walked all over the 6ft square area it kept beeping and he thought he struck gold "literately" 

any way he got the farmer and his mini digger and started digging , to find the treasure. then when it was getting dark and they where almost 4 ft into the ground they gave up , with the man thinking he had wasted £500 on a dud detector and almost 6 hours of his life.

he said his good buys and thankyous to the farmer , then went home. he left his brand new detector in the shed , then in the porch took of his steel toe cap boots ......................................

[Deano MFmad]

For some time now many of us have wondered who is Jack **** ? we find ourselves at a loss when someone says, you don't know Jack **** well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** who married O **** ,the owners of Knee Deep in **** inc. in turn Jack **** married No ****. the couple had six children Holy ****, Giva ****, Fulla ****, Bull ****, and the twins Deep **** and Dip ****. Deep **** married Dumb **** a high school dropout. after fifteen years Jack and No **** got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No **** Sherlock. meanwhile Dip **** married and invited everyone to the **** Happens wedding. Bull **** travelled the world and returned home with an Italian bride Pisa ****

[BC]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.'

[DMullen]

This fella fancies this girl who works in his office, but she had a boyfriend. He approchs her anyway and offers her £ 1000 to have sex with her, '' i'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over and ill have finished by the time you've picked it up. '' The girl consults her boyfriend and he says go for it and pick it up real fast and he wont have a chance. An hour later he calls her to see whats going on, she replys '' I can hardly F***ing walk '' ...... '' The Ba****d USED POUND COINS ''

      \ 

[Murray]

:D :D   not bad sir

[flash 600]

verygood :D

[unkelfergus]

doctors in Ireland have found a woman with two a**eholes,.............John and Edwards mother....!!..... ;D

[BC]

LONDON LAWYER            V          GLASGOW COP   

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,        ' Licence and insurance, please.'

London Lawyer says,    'What for?'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says,    'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says,        'Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence and  insurance, please.'

London Lawyer says,  'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,      'The difference is, ye  huvte to come to complete stop, that's  the law,  Licence and insurance, please!'

London Lawyer says,  'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and                                  insurance; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and  don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says,      'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae  ye  want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[masseyjack590]

thats quite good BC

[robbo]

[jdc]

This has been going round a while now:

The following was an actual question given on a University ofWashington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via theInternet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoyingit as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Mostof the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gascools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we needto know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to knowthe rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which theyare leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As forhow many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religionsthat exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that ifyou are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Sincethere is more than one of these religions and since people do notbelong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go toHell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the numberof souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate ofchange of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in orderfor the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volumeof Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soulsenter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increaseuntil all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a ratefaster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature andpressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

Ifwe accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman yearthat, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and takeinto account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number twomust be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and hasalready frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that sinceHell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any moresouls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, therebyproving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.