Barry Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I got whacked on the head by a falling book today. I've only got my shelf to blame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke (DeWitt) Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 This one made me chuckle so I thought id share. Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner At his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around The table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" His mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before Eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny Explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows How to cook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdc Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Came across this today. Useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Now I know what Paraprosdokians means Most of the things that we desire in life are expensive. But the truth is that the things that really satisfy us are absolutely free… PARAPROSDOKIANS: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is an example of a paraprosdokian. 1. Do not argue with an idiot. Those watching will not be able to tell which is which . 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again. 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there's a will, there's relatives. And last but not least – I used to be a kleptomaniac but I took something for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 So much stuff about the Titanic! Movies, TV shows, endless newspaper & magazine articles, and that's just the tip of the........oh wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdc Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I hate it when my Korean girlfriend gives me her puppy dog eyes....... I have to close my eyes and pretend they're cherry tomatoes when I swallow them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I suppose that there could be a joke here somewhere but this is true. Watching a well known countryside TV programme one afternoon last week and one of the items, one of the presenters was interveiwing people who were keeping hives of bees on the flat roof tops of big city buildings, in this particular bit it was in the middle of London, which, up until the late 1970's it was illegal to do so until the Council changed their law. Anyway, the presenter, wearing all the kit, was interveiwing the bee keeper, also in the full kit, and while he was at work with his smoker and inspecting the frames and bees, said to him, 'where do you get your bees from, buy them or what?' He replied, 'no, not this hive, this was a swarm of bees that was found in a ladies bush'. The presenter swiftly moved on to her next question with a bit of an embarrased look on her face but the bee keeper never bat an eyelid. I wonder if he thought about that answer later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
masseymodels Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses & all the kings men , couldn't put Humpty together again ; because they had no risk assessment, no method statement , no permit to work & no lifting plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 You forgot the hard hats, steel toe-cap boots, reflective vests and rigger gloves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robertw1 Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 Not any old hard hat You have to have a orange hat whilst working next to a railway. Not allowed to step foot on the site wearing a blue one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Mailman It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill ticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 The latest dive expedition on the Titanic amazed the scientists and ocanographic experts that after being at the bottom of the ocean for 100 years that the swimming pool is still full. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niels Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Read this in a book 'the 100 worsed answers to exam questions': Q: Name five animals that live on the South Pole. A: Two icebears and three penguins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Always a favorite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niels Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Classics indeed Barry! Or: Q: Mary and John want to know what percentage of their classmates bike to school every day. Mary asks 25 of her classmates, John asks 75. Which one of them will most likely have a more reliable answer and why? A: John, because he is a man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WillTEF20 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?? A: Their both empty from the neck up!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Gentleman buys a chainsaw, shopkeeper says that it's guaranteed to cut down 10 trees per hour. Man returns with chainsaw and says to the shopkeeper that he wants his money back as he could not get it to cut down 10 trees even in a day. Shopkeeper then starts up the chainsaw to determine the problem. Customer chap asks, 'what's that noise?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niels Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 A duck walks into a pub and asks the barman; do you serve any duck food here? Well no the barman stumbels as he is a little amazed to find a talking duck. The duck leaves the pub. Next day the duck walks into the pub again and asks the barman; do you serve any duck food here? No we don't the bar man says, a little annoyed. The duck leaves. The following day the duck enters the pub again. Do you serve any duck food here he says? NO WE DON'T SELL ANY BLOODY DUCK FOOD the barman shouts. And if you ever ask again I will nail your beak to this bar! Again the duck walks in the next day and asks; have you got any nails? Well ehrm, no the barman replies. Good! the duck says. Do you serve any duck food here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 You'll like these Niels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 IDIOT No 1. My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !! IDIOT No2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us That one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used GARADOR repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford IDIOT No3 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign From our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't Think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire. IDIOT No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. IDIOT No 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened at Luton Airport . IDIOT No 6 The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde) IDIOT No7 When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I've already done that side..' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire. STAY ALERT! They walk among us. Worryingly, they also have the vote and many have driving licences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack_c Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Good reading Mike! Some people really don't have any common sense at all, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Light Land Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Pig has chewed the ear off my Pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each.... How are we going to tell who owns which pig?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut at other ear off my pig. Ten we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig!!!" "Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy.... "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and.............you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Oih hell---" says Paddy, "how's about you ave the black one, and I'll ave the white one" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 First enrty for a while..... Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. This year, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Two days later, the other guys get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up. "Tell us Ron, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, -so I did. Then she said, "Now -Do whatever you want." So, Here I am!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexMF Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 maths question of the day, If a 30 year old teacher takes a 15 year old girl 120 miles to France at an average speed of 40mph, how many years will he get in prison? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.